Crazy doesnt adequately describe her

My mother abandoned me when I was 4. She ran off with my father to California. I was fortunate enough to have an exceptional grandmother to look after me. After several years of abuse from my father, my mother returned to me. I was so happy at first. I dreamt of her, I missed her so very much. It didn't take long to wish she had never came back. It seemed like everything she touched turned to stone, including my heart. My grandfather started drinking heavily and eventually died from liver failure. My grandma became an emotional wreck. I became spiteful and manipulative...I hated my mother. She always put men before me. I can count on my hand how many times she told me she loved me. My broken spirit began with her. She was emotionally and physically abusive. I remember when she beat my little sister with an umbrella and threw her down the basement stairs, she was only 7 years old. At the age of 16, me and my sibilings were taken away by child services. My little brother was whisked off and taken to a foster home, that memory is seared in my mind. The way his face looked when I had to let go of his hand; it brings tears to my ears even after all these years. I found him on Facebook last year, he added me but never responded to my private message. I wonder if he hates me, or does he even remember who I am. I have forgiven my mom long time ago, not for her sake but for my own. I carried around so much bitterness and hate for her, I could not live a productive life with that burden on my shoulders. My sister and I talk to her and I love her in spite of all the pain she caused me and my family. I personally believe my mother suffers from bi polar disorder, I have thought this since I was 12. After looking at the DSM IV criteria for this disorder, I am even more convinced. I know she will never seek treatment, she's too proud for that! She would never admit she had a issues of that nature. So I pray for her and keep my distance.
Lauren0526 Lauren0526
26-30, F
May 24, 2012