My Mom Brings Out The Worst In Me And Everyone Else

I am 35 years old with a son, daughter, and stepson. My husband is remarkable to me in that his family's problems are real and not mental. All of his siblings care about one another (there are five of them) and his parents have been married for 40 years! Their problems are real in that they face cancer, trying to figures out how to be fair to each other when nieces and nephews have close birthdays and want everyone to be able to attend both. Little things or physical health. They all believe in God. It doesn't seem real to me because my family is insane and I don't know how his family managed to be normal, functioning, and considerate?!
My mother and father divorced when I was an infant. My dad, whom I am acquainted with, but just, lives in another country now. My mother remarried when I was two and, to this very day, he is daddy to me, even though my mom left him when I was 11.
My mom, oh God my mom! Pain and misery! It is the dark cloud that looms over my family, or lack thereof! She hates herself. There is no doubting it, but the way she does it is by pretending that everyone she loves is a mirror and shouts all the things she hates about herself that she sees in us at us! I look most like her and she seems to see me as a failure. I am the one who is broken, abused, and pitiful...unredeemable. I have serious health problems. I was in a wheelchair when I was 13 and diagnosed with type one diabetes when I was 16. I needed lots of love and support, but my mom treated me like a burden. She used my conditions to get sympathy from people. When I was in the wheelchair, I was home bound taught...a teacher came to my house twice a week to teach me my lessons and test me, giving me work for the other days in between. Well, one day when I was home on the weekend with my brother and sister and mom, she sent my siblings on an errand to deliver a sealed envelope to someone who lived 30 minutes or so away. It was a guy who was engaged to be married to another woman that she was his mistress. It was a suicide note. She didn't ask that my siblings take me with them. She tried to kill herself by taking a whole bottle of painkillers while she was alone with broken me, whom she thought could not save her life. Well, **** her! I did! She lied and told me she was taking a nap so I would not disturb her, but when I saw that her pill bottle was empty and I couldn't tell her the phone message that my siblings left for her, I tried to wake her and couldn't. So I called 911 and my siblings back for help and we got her to the hospital in time. She left me in the care of my 17 year old sister in her plan to off herself. In her suicide note, she mostly blamed the enormous hospital bill from my back surgery as being why she didn't want to live. Her 13 year old, frail daughter apparently didn't need a mother...just her mother's life insurance policy.
In the years following up to now, she has blamed everyone around her for all of her problems. She put huge wedges between us as siblings to the point that we don't trust each other and all avoid each other. My oldest brother molested me and our cousin on separate occasions and she told both of us that we misunderstood what happened and that we are making it out to be something other than what we think happened. I only found out that my cousin had also been molested once I was an adult. So, I kept my mouth shut and pretended nothing happened so that I wouldn't be the cause of any stress on my family. My sister, after years of abuse at my mother's hands, is going crazy now and my younger brother pretty much acts like we don't exist except for on a holiday when we travel to him. He has never visited my home since I moved out on my own at 17.
My sister dated older men and eventually was pregnant at 18 by a man 5 years older and had 2 kids with him. They are divorced and my oldest niece is now 18...and pregnant. She has been in my mother's care for years and it did not surprise me that she wound up in the same boat as my sister (her mom) because she had the same upbringing as my sister did under my mom. She taught us that our dad and stepdad didn't love us and kept us from them, but both my dad and stepdad have tried to be a part of my life since the moment I moved away from my mom. They had fought in court to get me back and told me they always loved me and missed me. They have stayed in my life ever since, so I believe them. My sister is doing the same thing to her daughters now and they won't have anything to do with their dad and he calls me asking me how they are and trying to find ways to see them or contact them. So my mother has not only broken her children away from each other and away from their father and stepfather, she is now doing it to her nieces, too.
When that happened, I told my mother I never want to speak to her again and to stay away from my kids, especially my daughter. My kids have a loving father and I will never let her poison them against him in anyway. She gave my stepson a book on how to pickup girls. He was 8 at the time. He's such a good boy. He asked me if he had to read it and I told him he was more than welcome to throw the book away. He ran to his room and threw the book in the trash immediately. She just seems like she is trying to put a wedge between my husband and me and he is such a good man, wonderful father, and devoted son and brother to his family. I often have to convince myself that I even deserve to be around him, as I am scared that the craziness of my family will taint his existence. He waves that thought off all the time, but I am scared because I react in my head the way my mother taught me and I have to really riddle it out before a more rational response comes. It is hard to not be like my mother. I see myself reacting like her and I apologize as soon as I see it and stop. I just don't want to say something that ever hurts anyone. It is hard to trust myself to not respond to my pain and just put it behind me. I want to feel loved and to be able to trust people. I am just not good at it and it makes me feel so lonely and scared. I am just so sad and angry since I sent my mother away, not because I want to see her, but since my anger no longer is directed towards her, but comes out at who is still here by accident. I have to keep away from her, but resolve my anger and hurt without taking it out on people around me. It is just so hard to do it.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 8, 2013