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My Greedy Selfish Mother

My mother has taken a great toll on my life and self esteam. I am an only child do to the fact that she did not want children which she made sure to tell me every chance she possibly could. My child hood was very lonely and scarey. She used to lock herself away for days leaving me to care for myself begining at a very young age. She would not allow me to go and see friends or have them over.. The only time she would show interest is when she would shove pills down my throat or worse.. I remeber when I was a teenager she got the idea to force me to go to a clinic and have colonics done. This like many other things used to make me very ill. This also made me feel as though I was being raped and humiliated. She got off on this I used to cry and beg her to leave me alone... This never worked I would have to deal with her wrath when we arrive home. When I was a teenager my father who did not know most of this was happening, he was often working almost all of the time trying to give her the material things she demanded. Then he left her.. She then more then ever used me as her bartering tool to get what she wanted from him. I used to pray every day he would take me away from my living hell. I then began to think of suicide especially when she would threaten to kill my dog which was my companion who she knew was my best friend. Years went by and then I graduated from high school. And she decided to move out of state. I finally had my out.. She was convinced that I would go with her but I wouldn't . When she left she took all of my posessions, and my fathers as well and left. I stayed in our house while it was for sale do to the divorce and started college. My father gave me a car so that I could go back and forth to school. She became angry that I had this and took my dad to court trying to have it taken away. My father was transfered again which happened many times during my childhood. When our house sold I moved to live with my father and dropped out of school. My dad had saved up so that I had enough to go to school but she got into the account and spent it all 25,000 dollars so that I no longer could afford to go to school. She went and moved in with my aunt and began to take advantage of her kindness. My mother still takes my father to court for money even though they have been divorced for over 10 years. I am now married with a beautiful son which my mother has proceded to tell me that I am a horrible mother to since I want to protect him from her. My husband convinced me to let her see him at birth and she told me those horrible things and tried to start fights between me and my husband since she could not stand to see me happy. Since I have not seen her in 3 years, she has started sending me the things she took from me for "Christmas" gifts. This makes me so angry mostly when it is family herlooms from my fathers family. I do not speak to her because she will not change her ways and it only brings me heartache I truely wish she would get herself help she is a very sick persone, especially when she has told me she sees thinngs that are not there. I pray to god that I will never do the things to anyone else that she has done to me. I hope that this makes sense I do not often talk about these things. Thank you for reading.
Peacesearcher Peacesearcher 26-30, F 28 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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narcissism- What we all have are NARCISSISTIC people in our lives. There is a name for them and there is a lot of them out there as well. The hardest part is to escape and repair the damage that they have done to us. I am back living with my NARC mother at 46 and it took her all of an hour to set me back to my high school days of feeling unloved, of no value, stupid and like my existence somehow has ruined and continues to ruin her life. Amazing considering I am the only one left of EVERYONE who will even acknowledge her anymore. Bad enough to have a worthless father but to have a mother like this as well is just beyond cruel and unusual.
So here is a list for you all to check to convince you that it isn't you... these people around you are ILL.
Traits and signs

Thomas suggests that narcissists typically display most, and sometimes all, of the following traits:[5]

An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges
Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships
A lack of psychological awareness (see insight in psychology and psychiatry, egosyntonic)
Difficulty with empathy
Problems distinguishing the self from others (see narcissism and boundaries)
Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults (see criticism and narcissists, narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury)
Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt
Haughty body language
Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them (narcissistic supply)
Detesting those who do not admire them (narcissistic abuse)
Using other people without considering the cost of doing so
Pretending to be more important than they really are
Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements
Claiming to be an "expert" at many things
Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people
Denial of remorse and gratitude

Hotchkiss identified what she called the seven deadly sins of narcissism:[6]

Shamelessness: Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways.
Magical thinking: Narcissists see themselves as perfect, using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to dump shame onto others.
Arrogance: A narcissist who is feeling deflated may reinflate by diminishing, debasing, or degrading somebody else.
Envy: A narcissist may secure a sense of superiority in the face of another person's ability by using contempt to minimize the other person.
Entitlement: Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves special. Failure to comply is considered an attack on their superiority, and the perpetrator is considered an "awkward" or "difficult" person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage.
Exploitation: Can take many forms but always involves the exploitation of others without regard for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed.
Bad boundaries: Narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist are treated as if they are part of the narcissist and are expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist there is no boundary between self and other.


For Kohut, narcissistic rage is related to narcissists' need for total control of their environment, including "the need for revenge, for righting a wrong, for undoing a hurt by whatever means".[19] It is an attempt by the narcissist to turn from a passive sense of victimization to an active role in giving pain to others, while at the same time attempting to rebuild their own (actually false) sense of self-worth. It may also involve self-protection and preservation, with rage serving to restore a sense of safety and power by destroying that which had threatened the narcissist.[19]

Alternatively, according to Kohut, rages can be seen as a result of the shame at being faced with failure.[20] Narcissistic rage is the uncontrollable and unexpected anger that results from a narcissistic injury - a threat to a narcissist's self-esteem or worth. Rage comes in many forms, but all pertain to the same important thing, revenge. Narcissistic rages are based on fear and will endure even after the threat is gone.[21]

To the narcissist, the rage is directed towards the person that they feel has slighted them; to other people, the rage is incoherent and unjust. This rage impairs their cognition, therefore impairing their judgment. During the rage they are prone to shouting, fact distortion and making groundless accusations.[22] In his book The Analysis of the Self, Kohut explains that expressions caused by a sense of things not going the expected way blossom into rages, and narcissists may even search for conflict to find a way to alleviate pain or suffering.[23]

my mother is exhauting as well. she reminds me all the time that i ruined her life. i did not tell her to get pregnant as a teen....that's her fault not mine.

Hi Peacesearcher

I do understand you and i feel the way you feel cause my mum is almost like yours as far as i remember she came home with two police offices to arrest me just because of an old and not working gas cooker that does not even belong to her aw men. these types of mothers removes love from their children's heart and even when they die the children will never cry for them but will be happy about it. To be honest i do not feel love for my mum and when i some one's else mother the way she treat her kids i go in to tears and i wish i had a mother like that. usually me and my mom do not co'operate unless i have money but if i dont am nothing to her and that pains me. cursing me everyday telling me that she did not give birth to me but i came from a tree just because my dad loves me. the were divorced when i was 13. every day passes she getting worst. this is for you Peacesearcher now that you have a son DO NOT BE LIKE YOUR MOM change the History. i do not like to talk about this too cause it pains me alot thank you

There are so many seriously screwed up people and sadly lots of them are parents :(

I thought, I was the only one having the same experience. However, knowing that there are people like you makes me feel that I am not alone. Thank you for sharing this. It really enlightened me.

hey i experienced countless times what your brother went through too, just that i have no one to talk to. the thought of it sends shivers down my spine

I have had same experiences with you.<br />
My mother too greedy and she doesn't care of me since I was a little girl until 41 years old . She took all of my will from my belated dad, she's keep begging on me to sending money for her and her beloved sons which is my big brothers, she keep humiliation and underestimated me that I'm ugly, skinny, stupid, meanwhile she's used to be an stewardess and I had master education.<br />
I keep pray for her, help her as long as I can. Not totally because I have my own family.<br />
Just forgive and forget it about your mother and doesn't mean you agree about what she have done to you. Keep <br />
away from her. Some people understand how to be mother but not to be a MUM.<br />
Our mothers is rediculous mothers and very unusual. Be patient...MAY GOD BLESS YOU :)

She sounds disturbed. I'd stay away. Accept her 'gifts' & just make sure you never repeat her behavior. Its hard & you can do it w/o realizing it. I know, I'm a product of a verbally abusive mother as well.

I so k ow where you come from, my mother is manipulating b***h, always looking out for herself. Don't feel bad about not seeing her. A mother is someone who cares for you and loves you, not someone who uses you. It founds a big like Munchausen By Proxy, hurting you to get attention for herself. Keep your child away. Explain to your husband your reasons for having no contact. Biology does not make her your mother, it's the actions that go.

That person that wrote about yor writing is a mean pesos like your mother. My prayers are with you sweetheart

firstly peza is an idiot . i think i know how it feels to have a self centred mother .it breaks you heart . i met my mum when i was 14 she left me as a child with her sadistic mother who used to beat me so bad that i have become immune to it .<br />
anyway she turned up one day promising the world i moved in with her any thing seemed better than living with her crazy mother .<br />
from the first month i found out that she only came back for me to be her servant at the time i did not know i spent 3 years cleaning after her after 3 years i could not take any more i took her medication 45 ta marzipan tablets at 50 mg per one i was in a coma for days i wanted to die and i was not so lucky cause ever since i am still looking after her and her madness <br />
i have 2 beautiful kids and she never.does any thing to help me with my kids cause its all about her and how ill she is . and now its making me ill xxx

Sounds likes its better that she's not interested in your children. She's doing you a favor, then your children won't suffer your same fate.

Hi, forget the grammar, I know how it feels not to have a mom who is this way. And just like someone above commented, yes you're mom is definitely aware of what she is doing. I came to this site after I had a huge argument with my mom who spent my "wedding fund" my dad left me... adding to this are many other things... even child sexual abuse which she didn't stand up too...by my own siblings.. whom she gave preference to over me... belittling and talking down being one of the other things I put up with... <br />
Just remember this only makes you a stronger and a better person. And keep you're faith in God if you believe in him cos he knows who are the good ones. <br />
Overall you don't have to feel guilty for the things that make you happy, you have one life and live it happily, regardless of anything. Some people have it worse (gratitude) I wish I had a husband and son :) And remember FAMILY is a right to be earned, you don't get the tittle just because you share the same blood. Hope I helped. Just be happy..... forget the people whom you aren't important too... I know deep down you crave for the mother you never had... but there are somethings you cant change in life and these things are meant to teach us something...

This isn't about a mother---A stepfather from h-ll-----------He died 2 years ago --I'm sure that is where he is h-ll. My mother married an evil person she didn't know in 2 months. He started off acting like a family person---Having huge parties, buying a pool, etc. Acted like a nice guy. When they were dating, he even gave us money. After 2 months, he kicked me out of the house and towed my car away. I later had depression severe for 3 years to the point of barely leaving my bedroom in the ba<x>sement. He would swear and make fun of me and tell me to go in my room. When my mom and him left---he would say leave J-alone. Literally--After I said leave me alone. I can't describe what it was like--It was so bad i only came out of my room to eat and go to the bathroom after everyone was asleep. Actually he was verbally/psychologically abusive and somehow managed to get everyone in the house ganging up on me to ridicule me, humiliate me, and scream and laugh at me. It was intimidation and cruelty. I barely ate. I was like a bag of bones literally. One day my heart was going so slowly I thought it would stop. Finally, I realized it was because I never moved around. I stared walking outside a block and run a block---as weak as a person could be. Finally, I improved physically. I did not eat meat for 3 years. I was like a prisoner in a room for 3 years. I developed social anxiety and became afraid to go into public places. Several years later when I got better, my stepfather trapped me financially basically---He pretended to fix my car and was damaging it. I was severely depressed and had panic attacks so severe I couldnt even work. I did not have a car because he was damaging my car more and more and getting me to spend all my money fixing it. I never suspected this til years later. He was evil to the core. He tried to control what I was allowed to eat and I could not even function normally. If I wanted to eat meat, he threw it in the garbage, gave it to the dog, or ate it himself while i was sleeping. Any food, he did not want me to eat, he would eat the whole thing, give it to the dog, or it would end up in the garbage. Now, im repeating. He would tell me not to cook, restaurants are expensive, strong coffee makes you sick, there's nothing out there( people--so I wouldnt socialize/go out wknd), he told me i didnt have to pay my father back when I owed him money, he would hide my drivers license so I couldnt go out, he cooked something once with spice tons of it---told me i didnt need my blood pressure pills---made mud strong coffee----I almost thought id have a heart attack---He tried to give me a heart attack or kill me---He threatened to burn the house down, kill the dog, kick me out, and so on. He would tell my mom when she came home i made a mess in kitchen--he'd convince her this-- and they both screamed at me together not to cook. He would also say meat had freezerburn and throw it out. It was total insanity how I lived. I could not even function. He would say greasy **** so I wouldnt eat fat. He broke my stereo and took my music. He threw out my clothes. He started my car on fire. For 2 weeks --I brushed my teeth in a gas station running out the door to get away from him when I woke up. I was shaking. He harassed me so much after a relative bought me a new car, I almost got into an accident. He would verbally harass me each time I came home, so I would leave fast right away. He would do this every time I was about to leave. He would open mail, eavesdrop--hiding in the bathroom with the lights off. He would hide downstairs listening. He recorded the phone so he could hear my father and I talking when he was at work---he knew whole conversation what my father said. He would be on the deck peeking in the windows and listening with a cigarette in the summer--after he opened the windows---trying to listen if i spoke to my mother. I actually saw him watching me from outside in her room when we were talking. He said sthing about me to the neighbors. Both neighbors were watching me at the same time one day. I am sure he said sthing. He started fights with my brother and his girlfriend. Before he died, he had the roof done when my mother didnt have money. He left her penniless. I think he did this on purpose. He also had her car on fire. He said we'd all be on the street. He said i'd be living in a cardboard box. Pushing a shopping cart under the bridge. He trained our rottweiler to kill. He almost did--not me --my mother. Luckily I got him to release his teeth from her leg or she'd be dead. That's enough for now. I think I lost my sanity a million times from him.

This isn't about a mother---A stepfather from h-ll-----------He died 2 years ago --I'm sure that is where he is h-ll. My mother married an evil person she didn't know in 2 months. He started off acting like a family person---Having huge parties, buying a pool, etc. Acted like a nice guy. When they were dating, he even gave us money. After 2 months, he kicked me out of the house and towed my car away. I later had depression severe for 3 years to the point of barely leaving my bedroom in the ba<x>sement. He would swear and make fun of me and tell me to go in my room. When my mom and him left---he would say leave J-alone. Literally--After I said leave me alone. I can't describe what it was like--It was so bad i only came out of my room to eat and go to the bathroom after everyone was asleep. Actually he was verbally/psychologically abusive and somehow managed to get everyone in the house ganging up on me to ridicule me, humiliate me, and scream and laugh at me. It was intimidation and cruelty. I barely ate. I was like a bag of bones literally. One day my heart was going so slowly I thought it would stop. Finally, I realized it was because I never moved around. I stared walking outside a block and run a block---as weak as a person could be. Finally, I improved physically. I did not eat meat for 3 years. I was like a prisoner in a room for 3 years. I developed social anxiety and became afraid to go into public places. Several years later when I got better, my stepfather trapped me financially basically---He pretended to fix my car and was damaging it. I was severely depressed and had panic attacks so severe I couldnt even work. I did not have a car because he was damaging my car more and more and getting me to spend all my money fixing it. I never suspected this til years later. He was evil to the core. He tried to control what I was allowed to eat and I could not even function normally. If I wanted to eat meat, he threw it in the garbage, gave it to the dog, or ate it himself while i was sleeping. Any food, he did not want me to eat, he would eat the whole thing, give it to the dog, or it would end up in the garbage. Now, im repeating. He would tell me not to cook, restaurants are expensive, strong coffee makes you sick, there's nothing out there( people--so I wouldnt socialize/go out wknd), he told me i didnt have to pay my father back when I owed him money, he would hide my drivers license so I couldnt go out, he cooked something once with spice tons of it---told me i didnt need my blood pressure pills---made mud strong coffee----I almost thought id have a heart attack---He tried to give me a heart attack or kill me---He threatened to burn the house down, kill the dog, kick me out, and so on. He would tell my mom when she came home i made a mess in kitchen--he'd convince her this-- and they both screamed at me together not to cook. He would also say meat had freezerburn and throw it out. It was total insanity how I lived. I could not even function. He would say greasy **** so I wouldnt eat fat. He broke my stereo and took my music. He threw out my clothes. He started my car on fire. For 2 weeks --I brushed my teeth in a gas station running out the door to get away from him when I woke up. I was shaking. He harassed me so much after a relative bought me a new car, I almost got into an accident. He would verbally harass me each time I came home, so I would leave fast right away. He would do this every time I was about to leave. He would open mail, eavesdrop--hiding in the bathroom with the lights off. He would hide downstairs listening. He recorded the phone so he could hear my father and I talking when he was at work---he knew whole conversation what my father said. He would be on the deck peeking in the windows and listening with a cigarette in the summer--after he opened the windows---trying to listen if i spoke to my mother. I actually saw him watching me from outside in her room when we were talking. He said sthing about me to the neighbors. Both neighbors were watching me at the same time one day. I am sure he said sthing. He started fights with my brother and his girlfriend. Before he died, he had the roof done when my mother didnt have money. He left her penniless. I think he did this on purpose. He also had her car on fire. He said we'd all be on the street. He said i'd be living in a cardboard box. Pushing a shopping cart under the bridge. He trained our rottweiler to kill. He almost did--not me --my mother. Luckily I got him to release his teeth from her leg or she'd be dead. That's enough for now. I think I lost my sanity a million times from him.

Okay, first of all, that ridiculous comment about your grammar is just plain irrelevant and a tad insensitive. This isn't a freaking English class; this is about letting your feelings out and finding a compasionate audience who will listen (err...or read). I am so sorry you had to go through all that and you are so brave to have survived it all. She sounds like a mentally ill person and you made the right choice by shutting her madness and abuse out.<br />
<br />
You are now your own person and she's gone for good. Focus on your lovely pooch(es?) and those that truly love you (because there ARE more people than you think that really, really care about you and appreciate you for who you are, in your heart. The battle is over, let the building begin! =D<br />
<br />
Very moving story.

Sweetheart,<br />
I am so sorry for you and I can imagine how you must feel. You need to keep out of contact with your mother, or if that is not always possible, then keep your emotions disconnected from the way she treats you. Hard, I know. You would benefit with some professional help and support, because I believe you Mother is what is referred as a classic narcissist. She will never change no matter what you do, or how you try to change yourself to please her. I hope you find some support in dealing with this, because you deserve a happy life.

Thank you everyone you are so kind

Thank you everyone you are so kind

I wouldn't worry about the grammar.If others do..they don't have to read it.<br />
If it helps you to get it out..that's all that matters!

So what your grammar was'nt perfect. Do you know how many stories I've read here that had grammar problem's? We are not here for that. We are here to express ourselves, try to heal & help each other. So I don't think that comment was needed. If you read the whole story you would of known what she was trying to say. You stay strong & may God stay with you.

Thank you everyone for reading I know that my story is full of grammar problems that were brought up but it was very hard for me to write. I try not to talk about it much because it just makes others sad and I do not want to make anyone feel that way. It is helpful to get some of it out because no one knows everything she did to me.

Omg! Your story bring's tear's to my eye's. Your doing th right thing by keeping your baby away from her. She should be ashamed of her self. You probably look just like your dad & that's why she treat's you that way. I see this alot, When a woman has a child (especially one that look's like the father) & she hate's the father, they will take this out on the child. It's sad but true. Or they even blame a child for messing up their live's. All you can do is pray for her. She sound's like she might have some mental issue's going on too. Your grown now & have your own family to worry about. Leave your past behind you. If you love your own baby with everything you, you don't have to worry about you treating your baby the way your mother treated you. Leave it in God's hand's.

Your mother was an awful cruel woman.I don't blame you for not wanting her to be a part of you or your child's life.Unless she gets help and changes her ways..I'd keep it that way.<br />
I know that you've endured much pain and she would only keep causing you more.<br />
As for you doing the same thing to others..I believe that your a much better and stronger person than her and that you would not cause another that kind of pain.<br />
Stay strong and I wish you the best.

**** you peza.

Only got thru the first paragraph and it was full of grammatical errors.

That's mean. She's writing about how difficult was her life w/her mother. Not everyone can be up to your intellectual standards!!!

As long as we can read the story that is all that matters

Thank you for the comment I really appreciate it

You are mean just like this poor girls mother

Thank you for the comment I really appreciate it

listen she is not mad she is well sensible and aware she is just a evil person but in life we have to have them to even out the good ones like u, they say we become our mother plz dont turn into her.i think cutting her off is the most sensible thing u could have done, she is like clutter she is not needed in ur life. you know y she start to send u the gifts not because she want u to have them but because its the only way to get to you now cause pppl like her cant stand to see good ppl win. congrats and have a long and peaceful and loving life i wish u all the happiness in the world.