Crushed

I have never kissed anyone. I have had really strong feelings for this guy since primary school... And always thought i was straight until the age of 12. It was then i started to question my sexual orientation. I knew I liked guys but I was starting to feel attracted to girls too. It wasn't until a few years later, at a new school I made real friends, friends that would turn into best friends. I thought I liked a few girls before. Then one night I had a dream that one of my really close friends kissed me. I put my head down on her lap and she leaned in to kiss me. Before she did I gulped in the dream and I felt all the crazy emotions I imagine people have with their first kiss. I woke up so confused and annoyed that it was this particular girl in this dream. I liked her so much as a friend and everything changed for me after... It has only almost been a week since the dream and it had been one of the slowest weeks ever! I told her and my other friends that it was her in the dream and she laughed it off and was flattered. But she doesn't know how I really feel. How much I really want to kiss her, even in school! So this morning I woke up and couldn't go back asleep. I was thinking of all these sentences and turned it into a poem... It's called Crushed. I hope these feelings go away because everyday I see her it is torture, my feelings are so intense and I know she doesn't feel the same way I do. Before the dream everything felt perfect, now thought I am so confused and I do not want to jeopardize our friendship over this dream that could be a phase or the real thing. I suppose only time will tell.


This poem really sums up everything, how I feel and how I plan to cope until I understand my feeling a little but more...


Crushed

Sleep forbidden. I lie awake at night, thinking about you. Your gorgeous personality, your laugh, your smile... But I know you will never be mine.

When we are near, my heart is in pain. I know what I want to say, I stop myself. To have you as a friend is as lucky to win the lottery. You are my one in a million.

You have told me how you feel. Only time will tell. If I get over this thing, then you do not need to worry. If I don't get over this thing then I will live with these feelings, quietly.

So quiet that you will think I have forgotten about that dream. The dream that showed me my true feelings for you. The dream that you kissed me, butterflies followed. The dream that I long for in reality, but know it will never be.

I am embarrassed to have these feelings for someone who I care for so much. To lose you would be heart breaking. You are my first best friend, my first crush on a girl.

You let me down gently in room thirty four. But telling you my feelings, I restrained myself from doing what felt natural at the time, to kiss you.

I want to kiss you, hold hands and be near you always. You do not feel the same way. I will live with these feelings, and be crushed.

But I will still have you as a friend. Someone to comfort me when I am sad, but at that time you will not know the reasons for my tears.
luckystar085 luckystar085
18-21, F
Jan 19, 2013