I Have a Crush On Someone I Shouldn't

I can be a bit harsh on myself

By: TheLuckyHobo

Written on January 13th, 2013

I've loved my friend for the last 3 and a half years, and had a crush on her basically all the time. It doesn't get any easier. I can't forget about her but I feel guilty for having feelings for her. I keep trying to be friends with her, then trying to ignore her, then trying to forget that I love her by starting a relationship with someone else (but that's a horrible thing to do to them!), then thinking I need to go away and get out of her life completely and forever..
I feel like a terrible person. I'm feeling suicidal often because I question whether I was ever a true friend or just a delusional hebephile because my friend was tooo young when I started to love her.. I had some stupid idea we might be together as best friends for a while and then be a real couple one day when she's older but that's a stupid idea it's never gonna actually happen and it wasn't ever going to. I know that I'll just keep feeling jealous of her friends and boyfriends.. I can't really even hang out with her even if she wanted me to. Honestly I feel like Humbert f**king Humbert and I hate myself! Even if I don't deserve to, I hate myself for loving my friend.

~Hobo

By: TheLuckyHobo

Age: 31-35 , Male

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11 responses

Vinnie01

I know what you mean. I tend to be quite distant from people and get on with my own things. I am very socially awkward and is questioning things at this moment.
I don't think people can help their attractions but they can certainly prevent themselves acting out if that person is too young.

Mar 10
2 likes
- TheLuckyHobo
  Quite.
  
  Mar 10
  1 like
XxSilentPunkxX

*hugs* you cant help who you love hobo. i know its a stupid line but one day you might finally put that love away and stay friends =( *hugsssssss*

Jan 19
2 likes
- TheLuckyHobo
  thx.. yeah I know. It is really just cuz I don't have RL friends so it kinda hard being not someone's best friend IRL.. was m,ostly just being harsh on myself in this story. I am a bit better now anyway. :) *hugss back super-tightly* :)
  
  Jan 19
  1 like
- clouds4208
  Hey online friends can be real friends too
  
  Jan 19
  1 like
- TheLuckyHobo
  mm, I know.. it's just not quite what I need atm.. I'm alone in this room 24/7 except for one visitor for one hour per week.. and she's not a real friend but a professional housing support worker. =/ Basically I just get jealous and/or envious when other people get RL friendship with someone I like/love and I get self-doubt due to overthinking/depression so needed to vent that. I don't mean to devalue the friendship my online friends give me.
  
  Jan 19
  1 like
- clouds4208
  wow may I ask what room is that? you are stuck in one room all day? anyone would go nuts like that! can you go out for a walk or something? I usually get cabin fever except that it is about -25 out so it's kind of too cold to go out :)
  
  Jan 19
  1 like
- TheLuckyHobo
  well, it's kinda the kitchen, lol.. I can go outside and walk on the beach but it's lonely there too.. it's kinda a long story lol. ... and it's freezing here too (I dunno what that is in old money) and snowing atm, better to stay inside really.
  
  Jan 19
  1 like
- clouds4208
  Lucky you live by a beach! I used to but now it's a lake. Covered with icebergs. Well beaches in winter tend to be lonely if not dangerous so don't go there. I am going to guess you are in either Newfoundland Canada or some sort of British isle area...am i close?
  
  Jan 19
  1 like
3 More Replies
clouds4208

Hi, I kind of know what you are talking about...it feels horrible and it is torment, and I worked with him so he was always around. Does she have any idea of your feelings? In my case the pain only went away when I got the person out of my life for good...because I thought he was interested but it turned out he wasn't and he started dating our co-worker...which really hurt.

Jan 13
1 like
- clouds4208
  In my opinion she is cruel to keep you hoping when she doesn't share your feelings. Just my 3 thoughts. You certainly can be happy without her...I don't have her and I am happy without her.... and you didn't know her your whole life and yet you were happy without her....Don't give one person so much power over your life, LuckyHobo
  
  Jan 14
  1 like

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