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What Is Wrong With Me?

Well, to start off with, I'm married. Happily? Not really. I love my husband, but we've grown apart, and he seems to have no interest in fixing things. I really feel like he is just hanging around until the kids are older and then he will leave. We have our issues. I have issues.

Then there is this guy at work. I've worked with him for a year. I'm his supervisor more or less. He's really nice, and we get along great. Up until about six weeks ago, I've never thought about him as other than a co-worker and friend. I don't know what changed...well, maybe I do. Another woman at work started talking about him and trying to get with him, and I got jealous. Jealous! Like I have a right to be or something. And he comes to me and talks to me about her calling him all the time, and how possessive she is and how uncomfortable it makes him, and asks for advice. On one hand, as a friend I want to tell him one thing, but on the other, as the 'jealous one' I want to tell him to tell her to take a hike. That's not right. So I feel guilty about that too.

And the worst thing of all....I'm 39, he's 20. I know that isn't right for me to feel this way about someone who is only a handful of years older than my oldest kid. But I can't help it. I dream about him. We actually have a lot in common, from the things we like to read, music we listen to, TV shows we watch, political views, and he is going to college to be a nurse, which is what I am, so there's that, too. Most of the time, when I'm trying to be rational, I think he probably looks up to me as a 'mother figure', and that is why he likes to hang out with me. But other times, when he's around, and I'm not thinking so clear, I wonder why he comes up to my office on his days off of work to 'just hang out because I'm bored', or calls me just to talk, or is always hugging me or rubbing my shoulders 'because you look like you're having a bad day'. Is he just a really nice person? Am I just really lonely and reading too much into it? I look forward to seeing him at work so much, and sometimes feel like he is my only friend. I don't want to ruin that by getting weird...not that I would 'do' anything, I am married. But I just don't want to come across as a perv old lady. How do I get over this? 

cancermoon cancermoon 41-45, F 10 Responses Dec 15, 2008

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Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think being the mature, level-headed one you have to try and stay less involved because the 20 yr old has a lot of growing up to do. And if his behavior does a somersault, you both will feel much worse. I would say give it time and see how things develop from there. Best of luck with bringing your marriage back on track too :)

i would say good luck, it always seems hard when a relationship your currently in starts to drift in some way ,usually its a growth issue, we are all consciously expanding and if your partner is part of that it's only ever a good thing, but sometimes there not ,there is no real blame factor,just a shift in one way or another on both parts, as for the age thing well i met someone online who's 25 and im very nearly 43, this deos'nt bother me or her in the slightest , its just a number and the only rule in life is happiness, your responsible for that , so follow your heart(always,) as the cursed head will only want to create problems, may the joy be with you always. xxxx

Thanks for the advice and comments. At this point I am in counseling trying to figure out where to go in my marriage. And the crush?...well, he's still around, too. We are still friends, he has been nice to have around just as a friend, I don't know that I would say he is still a 'crush'. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't...it is just comforting to have someone to talk to about things that aren't always so serious. We can just talk about "friend" stuff; the things I wish I could talk to my husband about, that I used to talk to my husband about, but that he no longer wants to talk to me about because 'it's stupid'. Back in the days when my husband and I were still friends. I miss that. I will admit that I do look forward to the days that I work with my friend, because I know that the day will be enjoyable. Even after we are off of work, we are both night owls, so we text back and forth until we go to sleep. It is nice having an adult to talk to for a change, I just feel so ignored otherwise; hubby goes to bed by 8pm so once the kids are in bed, I'm pretty much on my own. I know that this might sound bad, but the texting is pretty much about what is on tv or what homework we are doing, or what happened at work, and that's it. Boring stuff, really, but better than me sitting up all night by myself with nothing to do. So anyway, that's where things stand right now.

Well, all I can say is that you should treat the friendship as it's been going lately and don't try anything until your relationship with your husband is over. <br />
It's going to be hard to but I believe that you can hold out.<br />
Maybe you should try and rekindle things with your husband in a very creative way. ;D

maybe ur feeling afraid of loseing his friendship to this other woman, as u said, u feel ur husband is just sticking around until the kids grow up! that is a sad place to be in, u should try and work how to get ur husband back on track, or find out if its worth having an open relationship! Then u can find someone mature enough to cater to ur needs! just keep this collegue as platonic friends and most of all remember u are working together! Good luck

Been there...with a crush on a man half my age, and him crushing back. It ended badly because I think he freaked that he was actually attracted to me...not just as online pals, but in real time, in a big way.<br />
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But I have co-workers who have much younger boyfriends or spouses...so it can work.<br />
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Oh, and that "I'm married so of course I'd never do anything..." yeah, don't be so certain. Many people tell themselves that and then find themselves doing all the things they were sure they never would.<br />
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I would advise you to fish or cut bait as far as your marriage goes, for everyone's sake. Because if you are not happy there, you will keep repeating the pattern of attraction, but not acting on it over and over, or will act and end up making things painful and messy for everyone.<br />
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Work out the issues with the spouse, or part...and then pursue whomever with a clean slate and conscious, or enjoy the marriage that you've made.

I say that the guy derives some inspiration or something worthwhile from you. I don't think that he has anything up his sleeve, and that you are doing alright. Just maintain a sober head.

I think he likes you a lot, hes young thats what young men do, hes trying to feel you out. 1st of all your young your only 39 years old. If you like him, you need to show it more. And if you dont, dont play games with him, it could work, but you have to get out of what your involved in first with your husband. Look at ashton and demi lol.

Thanks for saying that. It makes me feel a little better. I just wish I knew if he is having some kind of feelings for me as well, or I'm imagining things....

Don't beat yourself up, live a little. Your not doing anything wrong, there's nothing the matter with having somebody to talk to. "He's just a friend."