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Two Years Younger.

I probably first saw Kerry about a year and a half ago, when she popped her head into the 6th form work room to ask if her sister was around. Since at the time I was either crushing desperately on said sister or another girl I really dislike at the moment, I didn't pay her much attention. At this time it was probably not her sister.

I first learnt that Kerry was somewhat eccentric shall we say (this is by no means a bad thing in my book, in fact it's half the reason I love her) when I started talking to Steph (her sister) a lot more than I had been, since I'd developed a crush on Steph at the time, I still didn't know Kerry aside from seeing her on ocasion looking for her. Nothing came of my crush on Steph, partly because I learnt she had someone she liked so there was no point, and I moved on, I don't quite know if she knows I liked her, I might have told her.

I started spending more time with Steph and some others this year, as it's going to be my last year at school, there's no choice about that, and our group of friends includes a number of year 12 students, including Kerry. For months I liked Kerry as a friend and that was it, though enjoyed the fact she liked manga and stuff, which is a huge boon in my books. And the fact she's odd, I like that too. At some point I started nursing feelings for her though, which I only truly realised after she elbowed me in the stomach (Yes I know it sounds odd).

I kept things as normal for a month or so, we talked a bit, she stole my phone a few times, stuff like that. One time she bit me when I tried to get my stuff back, the sad thing is short of her wanting to go out with me her doing that again is basically what I want most in the world. Or her hugging me I guess. She does it to the other guys and at times it just feels likes she's avoiding hugging me on purpose. I should probably say I'm kinda paranoid about things. But given the fact it's her who starts the conversations walking home all the time I probably am just paranoid.

Over the easter holiday I told Steph I liked Kerry after she told me she (Steph) was sort of going out with this someone. Steph is OK with it, and had sort of worked it out already by that point. And so the week after holiday ended I asked Kerry out.

After a week of missed oppurtunities, agonising over said oppurtunities, the fact I had no confidence, and the fact I was terrified she'd say no. I even cut myself for the first time ever, specifically her initials, and attempts to hide them failed leading to more people knowing, including Kerry's best friend, who then tried to get me to do something. It took Steph getting annoyed at me complaining and telling me so to set me staight.

Kerry said she was busy with exams coming up, which is true, so she didn't want to go see a film anytime soon. I'm also unsure if she realised I wanted to do this as more than friends, but I've left it. We haven't spoken about it since and I don't intend to bother her at least until her exams are done (at which point I'll be out of school save for exams, I should really try to go to Steph's house sometime).

Honestly I'm pretty sure she'll still say no, even if she doesn't realise I'm asking her out, partly because of my own lack of self-confidence, and partly because from what I know she spends alot of her free time in her room alone, which is so like me all the same, except now having friends I try to do more with them when I can. It hurts to be like this but I just have to deal with it, at least for now.

The week after I asked her were bad for me for different reasons to the week before it. It just felt like she was avoiding talking to me, though how much that was true and how much was just me being paranoid I don't know. I only truly felt sure we were still talking after she talked to me on the way home from school on tuesday. And I admit when she went her own way I did a bit of a dance. In the rain. I didn't care.

So for now I'll leave it as this, I'm in love with Kerry, and I'm sure she doesn't love me.
sim83 sim83 18-21 May 4, 2012

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