One Sentence Could Affect Me So...

It is crazy how just one sentence could affect me so much.

A few days ago I texted him. "Congrats at your swim meet, I heard you guys won!" Just a normal conversation for us.

A few minutes later he replied, "Ok I'm just going to ask you...are you embarrassed/don't want to talk to me in school?"

I had to reread it a few times before I could really process it. "Whaatt??" That couldn't have been less true. I love talking to him, in school, after school, texting... We text a lot, actually. "Ugh I mean no, I'm really sorry if I made it seem like that."

"It's not just last night...you won't talk to me in school unless if I talk first (which is fine by itself) but when you text you're so much more open and willing to talk."

Ok. So I'm aware that I'm pretty socially awkward sometimes. It can be really hard for me to carry on a conversation sometimes, I don't know why, and I hate it. It doesn't matter who it is or when or where. But it's really difficult for me. And because of that, I tend not to be the one to start a conversation with someone in person, especially not someone I have a huge crush on... When I text, I'm so much more relaxed. I can think about what I'm going to say before I send it, and I feel less awkward.

But the fact that I seem different when I text than in person makes me feel like a fake, like he thinks that this isn't really who I am. That is the last thing I would ever want to be- FAKE.

So I tried to explain most of that to him (minus the part about my huge crush, obviously).

"I'm not mad, I just wanted to know." he said.

And so the conversation continued as any of our normal conversations would. I saw him briefly that evening, for about 3 minutes because I was working and the school concession stand, but it was all very public, and I couldn't have mentioned it if I had wanted to. Now I'm off school for a week because of finals and regents week. I might see him on Thursday at my geometry regent, but there will still be lots of people around.

I want to talk to him about it, but I can't do it with so many people around. I don't know if by then it will be to late and won't make sense, or if bringing it up again at all is just a bad idea. I'm scared that if I can't talk to him better, we might drift apart as friends. I was scared that might happen once, back when soccer season ended, but thankfully, it didn't. I think that was only because I felt comfortable still texting him because he would text me first. It was so hard for me just to work up the nerve to text him first.

Maybe now is when it will. I don't want that to happen.
brighteyes723 brighteyes723
18-21, F
Jan 21, 2013