3 Year Crush, Turned Short Story.

I've been meaning to tell this to a therapist, but it's hard to find the time. I was originally going to post this under stalking, but I think this is a better place. Maybe this space will provide me with some peace of mind, as I have now (hopefully) been through the entire experience, it's been messing with my head for a while. This might come off as bitchy and ranting about nothing, but it's perfect for an anonymous forum and I understand if you read this and think I'm a drama queen or making things into something they weren't or over analyzing nothing but hopefully this can be a big step towards putting this behind me. I've kept a lot of it to myself and just want to get it out there. It's taken me awhile to really accept the truth. I start with a lot of background on myself and get into the specifics surrounding this incident. This is long just to forewarn you.

I'm not blaming my crush/borderline stalking on my prerequisites but I don't think many people consciously decide to become stalkers or have obsessions and I can give some insight into the conditions that may lead to stalking. While growing up I was shy and quiet around new people I would say I was noticeably shy. I had friends and we usually kept to our group, none of us concerned ourselves too much with girls, myself definitely included, outside of a game of spin the bottle in middle school my first kiss came my freshman year of college. This sort of closed offness provided me with a safe haven during most of my growing up, I didn't have to worry much about socializing, I could keep to myself and my friends and get by.

Going into high school my parents split up due to my dad cheating on my mom, the divorce was nasty and dragged on till I went to college, it put a lot of stress on the family and I think I lost a lot of self-confidence through the experience. I also think a lack of a strong mother father relationship impacted me. On top of that my dad had also been involved with a money scandal at work and lost his job, right as we were moving into a new house. There were a few years of trying times, my mom went back to work and my dad moved out. (this might come off as self-centered, things were infinitely more difficult for my mother, but this is about me.)

Towards the end of high school I began feeling depressed, this is also when my first stalking/obsessive tendencies began to show up. I think the early feelings were more relatable to a strong crush on someone. Basically there was a girl that I liked my senior year of high school, we weren't close to dating or anything, but we hung out a few times and I took her to the senior ball. Looking back it was probably my first big crush, I used to think about her a lot even though we never went out, and can even remember a few times getting jealous seeing her with other guys. I still thought about her even when I got to college, by the second semester the thoughts had died down, by the next summer I had stopped thinking about her. At school I had made friends, but they noticed that I seemed removed and distant and down a lot.

After my first year of college I made the decision to transfer to another school, in part because of my lack of female relationships, as well as other opportunities. A good friend of mine from high school Tom was also thinking of transferring and I had some family that went there too. It was a grass is greener on the other side situation and a difficult decision, my friends and I from my first school still have occasional contact, we were really tight and I think a lot of them were surprised and a little upset to see me go. Looking back this may not have been the best decision. I specifically remember some friends asking me not to leave and I kind of wonder what could have happened had I stayed. I also remember a mentor from high school warning me against transferring.

When I got to the new school, I was nervous, but anxiously anticipating the year ahead. The school was about twice the size of my last school and I was hoping it would provide me with more room to meet people. I was on a team and it allowed me to become friends with a group of people almost instantly. I enjoyed the new school and was having fun on the team and partying on the weekends. I had begun to get to know girls, they had started to express interest in me, (looking back there have been a few situations where I think a lack of confidence and understanding may have clouded some of the attention I had received from girls) and I began to hook up and hang out with them. I was still a virgin, but things were on the up and up. At the same I was also a little depressed, there were some lingering issues of self-confidence, I think I thought the school was the problem, when in reality it was probably some internal issues.

Looking back chronologically this is about the first time I saw the girl I would later stalk, Tori, it took a long time before that though. There are few people that I remember the first time I saw them, she was one of them. I was going to the college bookstore and she was coming out of it, she was so hot and she laughed when she passed me I glanced back and noticed the bag she was wearing had the sport I played on it and hoped that she was on the girls team, I would have to wait a semester to find out though.

As the year went on I fit into a strong group of friends and was enjoying myself. A semester later I hadn't seen the girl for months and all but forgotten her when I was walking passed the girls practice and noticed her. I was with a friend and not knowing her name or anything about her except we played the same sport came up with a nickname on the spot and its still used, at least amongst my friends, when I turned and asked my friend what he thought of her. Later in the semester I was at a party and I saw Tori there, having no confidence I wouldn't even try to approach her, but Tom did and I found out later in the night he had hooked up with her, but hadn't had sex with her. I was furious and drunk and tried to fight him on the walk home. It was classic looking back, at this point it was evident that I had a crush on her. After that word got out that I had a crush on her and for a few weeks it was kind of funny but it cooled off. I remember her leaving a party with another friend of mine and giving me a look when she passed, like talk to me. The summer came and Tori friended my younger brother on facebook, and posted something about me and deleted it, I don't know what it was.

Going back to school my junior year Tom would keep trying to hook up with her and I started to give up. Tom is much better with women than I am and I hadn't invested anything into it so cutting my losses wasn't bad. By the end of the semester I had moved on, and finally lost my virginity with another girl, Sarah.

Next semester I was a little more confident than before. I remember being at a party a couple of weeks into the semester and joking with Tom and another guy both of whom were trying for Tori. I didn't mind and I had stopped thinking about her. This is when the story gets a little strange. Later in the party a friend of Tori's named Liz came up to me and told me I should go over and talk with Tori. I said no, that it was Tom's girl. I'm not sure why I said this, whether I was thinking of Tom, it wasn't really his girl, I might have just not had the confidence and would rather shy away from possible future embarrassment. So anyways I continue to sleep with Sarah and a week or two later I'm at another party and Liz tells me to talk to Tori again, this time I bit. Remembering that she had friended my brother who she's never met I go over and ask her why she friended him, she started laughing and said it was Liz that did it. She asked me if I knew what my nickname was, I said no, and she told me that she gave me a nickname from a party last year and I conversation we had that I had completely forgotten about. After that I left the party and went to some more bars, I ended up sleeping with a new girl, Nicole.

About two weeks later a friend of mine John comes up to me and tells me that his girlfriend Liz the same girl that keeps telling me to talk to Tori, and one of her closest friends, was telling him that Tori thinks I'm really funny. Later in the week I text John something funny to tell Liz to tell to Tori, specifically they had a game that Friday in a stroke of genius I told Liz to tell Tori to go out after the game, because I didn't care if she was sweaty, she'd be getting wet anyways. Liz tells Tori and she thinks its really funny, apparently she started dying laughing, and says she'll try to go out this weekend. I go out Friday hoping to see Tori, but she ended up staying in. I was drunk and a little pissed she didn't go out so I defriended her on fb. Saturday I had to go home for a family event. While traveling home and throughout the day I was thinking that she might end up sleeping with Tom. John texted me asking me why I defriended Tori. Sunday, I went back to school and found out that Tom had slept with her. I was devastated.

I felt like such a loser. Had it happened two weeks earlier or had Tori not been flirting with me it wouldn't have been a big deal. I would have just given Tom a high five and gone about my routine. But the past two or three weeks she had been flirting with me, I don't know it's strange how that works. I lot of my friends had heard about it too. I think a few things were at play. I liked the girl and I wanted to one up Tom, I lost both and it showed. I was really depressed and upset. I even messaged Tori which is crazy (the message was insane, I told a therapist about it and they said I had no chance with her after that). I guess there was even a little entitlement at play too, Tom got with a bunch of girls, I kind of felt that this was my opportunity.

Anyways life went on I continued to sleep with Nicole and she started to like me, I think she ended up falling for me, so did Sarah. Sometimes it's easier when you don't put the pressure on yourself. I think that was one of my major problems with Tori. I sort of thought she was way out of my league and didn't give myself a shot. Later in the semester I was at a party with Nicole, Tori was there too, she kept staring at me and talked to me a few times, I joked with her and she laughed at everything I said. The rest of the semester Tom kept sleeping with Tori, I hated it but there was nothing I could do and eventually the summer came.

During the summer I guessed/obsessed that Tori would end up trying to get with me at the start of next semester, my senior year, I was right again (having predicted her sleeping with Tom and then predicted her sleeping with me, only further fed into my psyche). I was at a bar, the first friday, before classes had started, and Liz told me to talk to Tori I said no, Liz told me that she was really horny and to go for it, Tori asked me to buy her a drink, I reminded her of something funny I said the year before and she laughed. We ended up going back to my place and she spent the night but it was really bad. I was so nervous and drunk, there was even a point when we were there that she asked if anyone else was home, I think she meant Tom, she wanted someone confident. Anyways I ended up emailing her that I felt bad about and she should come to our party this weekend, she said thanks and that should couldn't remember any of it, but would try to make it to the party.

She came to the party, I had just slept with a girl in my room during the party and walked out, there was Tori sitting on the couch, I nodded when I went by, she got up and started talking to me. I remember asking her if she liked my glasses she said they looked dumb. I was head over heels for her at this point, it was probably this night that it became evident, I really didn't even know her too well, all of our encounters were brief. Anyways I told her that I thought she was awesome and I get really nervous around her. That was dumb, i was so nervous and i liked her, i must have just defaulted to being an idiot. That ended my chances that night.

Anyways a few weeks would go by, occasionally if i saw her at a club and was hooking up with other girls i might bring them over to where she was and dance and hook up with these other girls around her, strange but funny behavior. Things started to fade again and I started sleeping with other girls. About halfway into the semester, I ended up talking with Tori at the bar, I had remembered that she was trying to get into a sorority, I was friends with the president Julie from high school. I asked Tori if she would get mad if I talked to Julie she said no and walked away. That night I messaged Julie, I said she should strongly consider Tori as a candidate for her sorority, said that she was awesome, pretty much put way too much out there. The next day realizing what I had done I messaged Julie again and told her she could disregard the last message. I thought she would definitely think I was creepy. I was wrong, Julie loved it.

Probably two weeks later all three of us are at the same bar. Julie comes over and starts talking to me, I see Tori and one of her friends look at the two of us. She asks me about Tori, she mentioned that I slept with her, I asked how she knew she said Tori told her. She asked me if I liked her, I said I don't know, then I asked her if she would dance with me around Tori, she said no and asked why, I said because I get too nervous when I'm alone. She loves to tell that story, she told it to all my friends during Christmas break and I know she told it to Tori too. She ended up making Tori her little. After that Tori started talking to me again. Really she would just come up to me say something and then run away laughing, or she would just point at me while she was with her friends and they'd all start laughing. The semester ended with me massaging her asking if she'd want to hang out and her saying maybe next semester.

Over Christmas I friended her sister on fb, I was wasted and thought it would be funny. The next morning I saw she accepted my friend request I freaked out, I had forgotten about it. Anyways no biggie Tori said it was funny, and Christmas came and went and I went into my last semester. We had a party with her sorority, I was really nervous and thought for a while that it might be better if I didn't go, but I ended up going. Tori was there, for awhile I didn't say anything eventually I moved over to where she was, she tapped me and asked if I wanted to play pong, I immediately tried to get us on the table, she told me that we were running out of beer, I asked if she'd want me to run to the gas station and grab a 40 it was within walking distance she said that was ok. She then pointed to a stain on her shirt and asked what we put in the punch, we were right outside of the laundry room and I pointed to the door, we walked inside, this is the biggest drop of my entire life, someone else at the party even mentioned as we were going in "sex in the laundry room classic." As soon as we got in I started looking for detergent but couldn't find any. We left the laundry room and parted ways. I kept looking for detergent and eventually found some, I went to Tori she just laughed and said it was ok. That night dumbly, sometimes you just get into a trance, I messaged her something like "I should have tried to kiss you, we've never kissed before even when we had sex. I'm an idiot for sending this. You could have spot treated your shirt too." I messaged her a few other things the next morning, telling her that she should have posted these messages, that her and one of my roommates could have gone back and forth.

She told everyone about that message, I would have girls point and say "That's Blank Blank" and start laughing. I walked into a burger spot on mainstreet her ex-boyfriend from freshman year was in there and said "there's the ******." I didn't say anything and ignored it, I think he even felt bad about that later. Girls from her sorority and team both heard about it. I remember seeing her out the next weekend she just started laughing and walked by, it was funny.

A lot of my obsessing/ stalking at least from my judgement of my passed seems to be influenced a lot by greater issues and unresolved problems, it’s sort of a trickle down effect. I mean I wasn’t so much stalking solely because I was madly in love (although she is way out of my league and a very cool person in general), I was more madly alone and depressed. By this time I had sort of barricaded myself into my room, I was nervous to see people, easily agitated. I still am, I question most of what I do, afraid of interactions with others, lots of self doubt. I wasn’t on the team any longer and didn’t care at all about school work or much of anything. There wasn’t much to occupy my thoughts which left a lot of time to think about her and the rest of the time to dwell.

I spent the rest of the semester chasing her around, eventually it would fade again. By the end of the semester I was regretful that there hadn’t been more. On the last weekend she knew the opportunity to mess with me was ripe. My house was having an outdoor party Tori was next door at a neighbor's party. I went with some friends, Tom included, I had lingering suspicions/borderline paranoia that he had been sleeping with her. Anyways she threw a cup at my head while I was at the keg, I didn’t say anything and threw the cup back. She left, later in the night I saw her at a bar she smirked and waved, I went over and talked to her, she was with another guy. I kept calling him lame, looking back maybe it was a little rude of her to be messing with me when she knew she had another guy, I mean I think she understood the circumstances. Anyways at one point she was dancing with the other guy, I said **** it and went over to them and started grinding between them she hopped off and left me grinding on the guy, it was to say the least hilarious, she was even laughing. They both took off but before she left she came and gave me a hug, regrettably all I said was that I couldn’t believe she was going to get with this guy, she said she wasn’t, too nice. She left, I chased her but I just looked pathetic, I ended the night calling her lame and walking home alone. I messaged her that I didn't regret any of it and that I was sorry for being so weird, that I just liked her and didn’t know what to do, naturally she told all of her friends and they joked about for another semester.

I can’t get into her head but I can guess that for her it was nothing, I was funny and provided her and her friends with entertainment and confidence, once I even asked her if she thought the messages were creepy, she said no and that they boosted her confidence. For me it was different, I had had a crush on her for almost three years and I’m not the best with the ladies, it’s not easy for me to just move on to the next hot girl. She was one of the only girls that went out of her way to show me attention. Not only was she hot, but she was nice and smart too, not too funny but she laughed a lot. I guess it was just a crush. I’ve been back a few times, saw her twice, the first time I tried to buy her drinks she said no, the next time I didn’t bother saying anything. I hate looking at her fb but I still do sometimes. I think about her less and less which is a good thing. I still have some lingering confidence and anxiety issues that I have to work on.

Reading over this again, I realize that it's impossible to tell what others are thinking. I've also come to the conclusion that the best way to get over something is to move on to something else. It's important to keep your mind occupied with good thoughts and to keep moving in a positive direction, learn to let things go, but also learn from them and try not to let history repeat itself.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 21, 2013