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Every Light Casts A Shadow

People like to say I have a pleasant personality. It's a bit off beat, and maybe a bit eccentric at times, but often more than anything people find me to be a pleasant life loving individual with a smile always present on her face. No matter what I do find this to be true about myself. I have been (literally) through hell and back and I must say for me to still be the way I am, is a miracle. But although I have the patience that I may have; there still is quite a bit of damage inside. There are skeletons in the proverbial closet, so to speak. For a long period of my life I went through multiple types of abuse. From mental, physical, to emotional, and then even spiritual when I witnessed my Father unergo a 6 month long demonic possession. I have been through many trials and tribulations and during those hard times in my life, I took a turn for the worst. I was addicted to cigarettes at 13 years of age. I was an alcoholic by the time I was 16 and didn't stop drinking regularly until I turned 19. I was suicidal and cut myself on numerous occasions. I've snorted pills before just because I either wanted something to numb me or kill me. I have lost six close loved ones to horrible deaths, been cheated on, been taken for granted. Had thoughts of hurting others because I couldn't take it anymore, the list goes on. I have a deep rooted rage inside that now I curb and keep well under control. But I know that If I let go to it, I can be dangerous. Just as anyone, really. I have a lot of paranoias, I think too much (which is my friend and enemy), and I feel too much which sometimes drives me insane. I am a whirlwind of things wrapped up in a seemingly down to earth, well together individual. And although strong, I am fragile in a lot of other ways and if i'm not as careful as I am, it will only take one or two more falls to make me crack.
Guinevere5290 Guinevere5290 18-21, F 3 Responses Mar 9, 2012

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Good post. Very deep. =)

I'm glad that you found someone who works for you. I wish you only good things going forward.

I can understand some of what you must feel. I am a mess though my Dr. says I'm not as bad as I first met him. Which is true. At that time I was having thoughts of rape... constantly... I spent time looking to dump bodies... and I was getting really self-destructive. Destroyed a friendship... just to harm myself. To get a person who likes me to hate me as much as I hate myself. I can fall... as my Dr. says on the path of recovery... you don't go in a straight line... you get something that looks like a graph for a stock exchange.<br />
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I feel hopelessness, despair, and anger... lots of anger. All of it is suppressed... and I don't show it. Though.. my anger is starting to come out and directed towards my parents. I snap at them. :/ Anger, rage, they are normal emotions. More I think of my past, 15+ years of depression, suicidal at the age of ten, when I remembered what the babysitter did to me, when I started to have thoughts of raping people, when I was being bullied at school, and being used as a farm labourer for a father who had unreasonable expectations of me, the more I'm angry at my parents. I'm angry at myself. The babysitter, possibly had other victims after me. If she does... it's my fault for not telling anyone... I was even asked point blank by my parents... and I lied! Then again... at that time, I was between the ages of 24 and 30 months. Yes, technically still an infant. *sigh*<br />
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I feel, I care, I want to help the entire world... and knowing I can't and knowing some of what's happening... kids being raped, tortured, and, killed. If they are lucky, it won't take a long time for them to die.<br />
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Falling, it happens. As the one-eyed indian in 'The Losers' said at the end of the book to the main character: 'When you fall, just pick yourself up and continue on.' Getting help is required at times in order for you to be able to pick yourself up. Friends are necessary, some to spend time with, others, to talk with, and a few to pour your heart out to and to seek comfort from. I spent the first 17 years of my life w/o any friends. I spent the first 21 years w/o actually realizing that I didn't trust people. Find people you can trust. They are out there.<br />
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Take care.<br />
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*hugs*<br />
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Alustrial

Wow hun if you ever need someone to talk to, send me a message at any time. Yes I have fortunately found a wonderful man to spend the rest of my life with that I can trust with every ounce of me. And I do have a handful of honest and good friends that I am grateful for every single day. Its just I still have a few screws I gotta tighten up again.