My Sickness

I was in a war, an ongoing war like no other, one that grows everyday, except when i work, but thats my sickness. I enjoyed hurting them, more then they enjoyed hurting them or maybe just as much, but i dont know, all i know is i hate them so much, I guess details although sick are in order.. I was part of a hostage recovery team for nine years specializing in child trafficking. When you see what I have seen, i will spare those details, you may see things differently, they are not human, they are monsters,.. worse. Thats my dark side, the one that relieved me of my duties, I was a little too ambitious with the questioning and while we may have lost some important information I have an absolute 0 re-offender record, most of them will never walk, talk, or see again, and I dont care what anyone thinks about it, like i said,... if you seen what i did, you would probably see it my way. My problem is that job is gone my hate remains, my desire to hurt them, all of them. I guess Im alone in this fight, to many perverts, to many humanitarians that feel child rapists deserve fair treatment, or even special treatment... I feel they deserve the heel of my boot, and nothing more, the weird thing I can't hurt a fly, if there is a bug of any kind in my home, I gently collect it and let it go, but for some my violence my rage reaches, an absolute sickening level, and i enjoy it, thats my dark side.... thats my sickness...
Wizdumb Wizdumb
36-40, M
3 Responses Aug 4, 2012

He he....i can't kill a bug either, 'cept for spiders and wasps. But when it comes to the darkside of humanity.....a raging ball of fire wells up inside me and makes me wonder what i'm capable of. You've had to see things that so many get to remain ignorant to....but ignorance doesn't create change.

As a person that was abused as a child, raped, threatened and tortured, from 4 till 13 by a teenager who as an adult murdered his mom and grandma, I understand your feelings completely. You may feel as if something is wrong with you, but I think what you feel is a natural reaction to seeing something extraordinarily cruel, and knowing those people were not just hurting a mature resilient adult, but a helpless child whose entire life would forever be altered or ended. <br />
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I gather what upsets you is that you have a remarkable amount of hate for these people? And perhaps what you did to those folks? Look, that does not make you a bad person. You were truly put in an unlawful, horrifying situation and it would have taxed any moral human. The people you punished have no morals, and it is not like you could have redeemed or retrained them. You did what worked, and frankly, what they deserved. Probably the only kind of punishment they understood or responded to. That is the honest truth and you and I both know it. You know even in jail the inmates go after and try to kill child molesters, and they are right in that genre of offenders.<br />
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Obviously you are basically a good, redeemable person because you are concerned about whether you are. Now you are back in your everyday life. It is what you choose to do with that hate NOW that counts. That is what religious folk call righteous anger. You do not hurt undeserving others to alleviate it, do you? If you do, go get an expert to help you learn how to deal with the feelings in a way that works for you. You know there are likely a lot of people who feel as you do, so there must be some knowledge out there that will help you through it. <br />
It is possible the hate will not go away, though like any other strong emotion or tragic event in life, it will become lesser as time goes on and your life fills your mind and heart with new things. <br />
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You should feel sickness inside for seeing such evil. You have seen an evil much more vividly than most people will ever have to bear. That does wound and sicken a spirit, and the more kind a person you are, perhaps the worse you will feel. <br />
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Just because you feel sickness inside does not mean you are sick, unless you let it twist your actions into inappropriate actions. Perhaps you can take that hate and use it as a springboard into another life path, as I have done. Know that you will need to revisit the memories from time to time, that you will go through a process over your life of healing, and yes, it has fundamentally affected you. I wonder if looking at the healing process of the victims will actually be beneficial for you, because of the trauma you feel and the crime is the same, just from a different viewpoint. This may seem like a stretch to you, but your viewpoint is a lot like that of a victim who grew up, who looks at the child they once were and works to heal it. We victims at some point may have went through a phase of hatred and wishing they could harm the perp. So, check out a book called the Courage to Heal. You don't need to read it all, you don't need to read the experiences. But they have a section for loved ones of the victims, and also, the model of the phases we go through to recover seem like they would also apply to you, as well as loosely apply to any victim of a horrible crime.

thank you, not to many understand.. peace