Keeping The Darkness At Bay But Still Feel Tormented

Sometimes I don't like my darkness, but my other half loves it, and we all know what side I'm talking about.

It comforts me and for some reason my dark side makes me feel safe. Then again it torments me from time to time and sometimes I want to get out of the darkness.

Sometimes it feels like I can escape that side of myself. So i try to do good things to keep it at bay like going to school, having a job, good girlfriend, a good family, loving father who i forgive, but sometimes it feels like I'm filling a void thats always there.

I have PTSD and I had a bad upbringing in child development. Well, i wouldn't really call it development, more like domestic family violence, emotional neglectment, and abandonment.

My dad was a monster when i was a toddler. He was a violent alcoholic as some dads in this world are. If you been through the same thing as me as a kid you know what exactly what I'm talking about.

I was such a angry kid. The only way i could vent in some ways was hurting animals and killed a few. The first time was an accident though.

I had a puppy and i use to take him to the beach sometimes, until i seen this show with boats and pirates i think? i remember seeing pirates though. So i had this idea in my mind and i thought I would make my puppy a pirate. Fun idea, right? No.

So i took him unto the beach and i had a metal bucket with me and i put him in there. I let him sail and i was so excited and happy..he was my little pirate i think....but then it didn't turn out that way. It turns out that I remember forgetting something and i had to run back to the house while my puppy was still sailing. I ran back home, and grab what i needed and as soon as i got back to the beach...I saw the bucket at shore and i went to check if he was okay and apparently he drowned....i was so devastated and i didn't know what to do. I watch as the water gush out his throat and i couldn't do anything to save him..i felt so terrible. ...and i think i must of blacked out after that. but i still remember the feeling of grief for my puppy...

There many other times I did bad things to animals that i totally regret doing back then.

I think it had to do something with my dark childhood. I had nothing else better to do and i didn't have many friends. I couldn't seem to bond with people and it taught me how to isolate myself. I still struggle to bond with people and when i do start to bond with people it takes me awhile to do that.

plus I didn't have good ways to cope when i was a kid. I bottled up those feelings of turmoil, and because i didn't have any positive outlets it lead me to hurting animals.

I also discovered pyromania and fire setting as a kid....but that's a different story.

What I'm saying is my dad could of killed me when i was a kid. He put me in the tub, and turn on the fosset and put my head where the water came out of...i couldn't breathe and when i did it was for a second. I blacked out after that..and i think he stopped eventually..

and there was another time he tried sticking me into the freezer and i tried fighting back kicking the freezer door from him locking me in there. That was terrifying, and traumatic.

One time i witness the worst spousal abuse i ever witnessed..he tried stabbing my mother. He could of killed her..but my mom resisted by holding his arm back from stabbing her in the heart. My and my younger sister kept yelling him to stop, and after my dad failed, he walked out...

So my mom got me and my siblings and we took off on him. Abandoning my father...i kept asking my mother where we were going and she didn't say anything.

Months later we were living in a crisis center for families, and i remember asking my mom when are we going to see my father but she never asnwered me. Finally, i asked her one last time and she didn't asnwer me again...i felt the feeling of abandonment, and emotionally disconnected...so i finally snapped. I attacked her by pulling her hair and i couldn't stop till the workers pulled me off her...

my mom told me last year on what i said to her that day, and i said "I'm gunna get dad to kill you." ...and when my mom told me that I was shocked. I couldn't believe i said that to her...i dont even remember saying that to her. I must of blacked out again. ..but at the time after i attacked her...the workers told her i was just dealing with my loneliness through anger..my trust with my mother was broken that day.

but....long story short. I forgived my father and my mother. I loved them both. It took me years to forgive my father. Also took me years to get therapy and i learned to see the error of my ways.

I learned that my dad was a formal residential school survivor, and he went through a lot worse than i ever did. He went through emotional neglectment, culture abuse, psychical abuse, sexual abuse, and witness a murder at one of those schools...they took aboriginal by force by going into schools...against there own will..

Those priest and nuns and whomever was in charge...treated those kids like objects.

My dad also hurt animals when he was a kid...but he only did it once and felt remorse. I cant belive he admitted that to me.

But he got therapy and treatment and it took him a long time to get better...he stopped hitting my mom and i when i turned 7. and all the violence i witnessed was from age 4 till 6...and my very first chaotic thought as 6 years old was thinking of killing my father. ...and now that i'm talking about it I am not proud of that thought...i admitted that though to my mother and my therapist. and a few other people.

I gotten so much better through therapy and recovery...but i still battle my darkside as we speak. There are times when i wanted to hurt people but because of the positive teachings that my father teached me, and his sense of good morality, and to respect human life...I don't do anything. I may have morbid thoughts that are beyond inhuman, but I don't do them. I know better

My dad is a social worker too and he helps me to keep my dark side at bay because he's the only one that understands that side...he's been through hell and back and he's such a good man now. I still can't believe his transformation from being a violent alcoholic to a positive social worker who helps people.

I'm thinking of making a documentary of my story...and using it to help people who been through the same thing as me. Oh yeah! i forgot to mention that I'm a film maker...lol

I hope to keep getting more better...

I still struggle with my dark side. No matter what i do it'll always be there. I rather use it for good then bad.

But sometimes my past still bothers me and has made me dysfunctional. I still need positive development...and I'm found many ways for positive outlets.

I plan to beat this void by being positive.



RedWolfGuy RedWolfGuy
22-25, M
Dec 3, 2012