I Was Attacked By My Aunt Because of My Dark Side....

I am an actor, I went to drama school, and I have appeared in many stage shows and some TV.  I have also written, had some poetry published, a play performed.

I often write from my Dark Side.  I think I use my creative expression to explore it safely, and to feel whole, so I can continue to spread goodness while recognise the other half.

This year over the Christmas break I was writing in a journal, loosely throwing around ideas of a public transport full of ordinary looking people full of dark thoughts.  And for their dark thoughts, I drew on mine.  One major area I started with was paedaphilia.  I am not a paedaphile, but I've had my share of inappropriate sexual thoughts, and I explored these, from the point of view of what I imagined to be a paedaphile.  I wrote about other things, but because I was hanging around children for the first time in a while (my cousins kids), this was a major theme.

I was staying with my Aunty.  One day she came into the room I was staying, saw the journal and thought she'd read it to see what I was writing about.  

Just before I was to leave her house, she confronted me and said that she knew I was in deep trouble.  She said she had seen a Dark Side in me, but now having read the journal she knew what it was.  She said she knew I was a paedaphile, and that she had taken a photocopy of the journal and was going to talk to a professional about what should be done about me.

I was shocked and upset.  I explained to her that I have always had a Dark Side and that I like to write about it.   I also explained that just because I write from a point of view, doesn't  mean I am attached to a point of view - I guess being an actor I'm comfortable with the idea of "putting on"  a  mask, seeing how it fits for a while, before taking it off.  The very upsetting thing was, she didn't believe me.

I went to my family, including the parents of those children, and explained what had happened.  I explained that yes, I have a Dark Side, and that I write about it.   I could have also told them about the stage show I did recently in which I played a psychopathic serial sexual killer.  I told them that regardless of what my Aunty said, they could be reassured that I was not a paedaphile, that their children were safe.

The final piece to this puzzle is that my Aunty herself claims to have been sexually abused -this may or may not be true, I don't know.  But she definately still struggles with her own Dark Side.  But she told me that she was the Light, and she told me that I had descended into the Dark.

So what I found is that the people that can really harm you, the people that can do a lot of damage even while they think they're doing good, are those who claim to have no Dark Side at all, or those who pretend to know anothers.  Beware of them - if you get caught up in their crusade, you may be expendable to them.

GoldenArrow GoldenArrow
31-35, M
4 Responses Feb 8, 2009

*******!<br />
And it may not be James Joyce, or even literature, but good writing is good writing Andrew! :o)

Haha news flash Andrew - your characters are actually you! Otherwise, get them to write a comment on this site, then mabye I'll believe they're not! :o)<br />
<br />
I feel maybe I should ring your nephew to make sure he's ok...

Perhaps I should add for any readers... I do think the choice to publish or perform is different from what one writes in private or draft form, or what one rehearses.<br />
The choice to put something out to the public should be a responsible one. I wouldn't want to be a part of anything that actually encouraged paedaphilia overtly, or provided fuel for those who engage in it. <br />
So while I am all for freedom of ex<x>pression and generally against censorship, I think there are limits - and if something genuinely threatens children's safety or welfare- that's a pretty strong reason in my book for such a limit.

Thanks Andrew,<br />
Yes I certainly learnt a lot from the experience. And one thing is the power of the word. I guess as an actor and writer I have a different way of looking at what is written - to me its more flexible, more robust. But someone can look at it a different way.<br />
I didn't blame my aunt for feeling concerned about chilidren - I can completely relate to that and I told her that as far as protecting children goes I can forgive a lot! <br />
But I don't know, even if I had written "Private" all over the book, would it have stopped her reading it? Does this mean we have to lock away words, are they really that harmful? Isn't it the acts that do the damage? I still have a lot of questions. <br />
More questions - you may not be writing from your personal experience or kinks conscioiusly, but where do your fictional ideas come from, if not from your thoughts? That of course doesn't make those things exactly "what you think", yet at the same time you have had to think them to even write them! It's a conundrum, to be sure.