Very Much So...

I have a dear friend here, that is unfortunately not a stranger to this side of me.

It is not something I enjoy exploring as other group titles suggest.  It is a part of me that I very much am actively trying to diminish and kill, as it involves me building a wall around my heart and shutting everyone closest to me out.  I convince myself that I only need one person and that is myself, which is far from the truth, and I isolate myself.

I depersonalise everything.  I take a cold stance and I push people away, in a subconcious way of saving them from me at the start.  I say things that I can hear myself saying, but can't imagine how they originated within any part of me, and as i try to bring them back, that action is destroyed by more of these words spilling forth- words that separate me, words that isolate me, words that make me cling to myself alone as my only source of trust.

Yet, of late, I have had motivation to demolish the wall from within as there is light and love within my heart, and when that exists, it tends to not want to linger in the dark.

And that is when we know something has changed within us.  I have had people in my life which relished in my darkness, which could happily co-exist with it and then I realised it was not love, or light, or even my true self.

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Feb 19, 2009