I was always taught as a child to be good. Always do what you're told. The BS of life. After years of playing the "good girl". I realized its not getting me anywhere anymore. I was always picked on for things I could not help. I could never go to my parents for advice on things because one didn't care and the other would turn the cheek. My husband ignores me unless I have a game console in my hand or attached to my body. I was always shoved aside for other's benefits. But what about my benefit? I developed a cutting habit. I get suicide thoughts. Now I'm half tempted to turn into a **** star because I feel deep down that is all I can do in this world and that's to make men ****** with no thought to myself. I can't find a girl to save my life as much as I want a gf. I don't care if I'm married or not. As much attention I get from him, he wouldn't notice the difference. I should just lock away the good side of me and just stay dark. The light side always turned the other cheek and figured things would get better. The dark side always said what I feel and didn't get shy about it one bit. I'm tired of being shy away in a dark room waiting for the man I love to come pick me up. If no one is with me, then they are all against me.