Oh, the Drama of Life!

February 26, 2007 

Nicky has been the only bright, sunny spot just for me since me and my son started falling out in the summer.  He let me talk about it and let me get away from it by going over his house and being in his company.  He held me.  He laughed with me.  He let me cry in his arms.  None of my supposed friends were there for me like that.  And, now Gina wants to act (again) like I’m some kind of evil man-stealing *****.  I’m tired of it.  I’m not gonna just lay down and take it this time.  With John and Martin, it was different….TOTALLY different.  I’m not about to let her hold me accountable for some dumb ****.  If she has a problem with me now, it’s not about Nicky.  It’s about John.  It’s always been about John and I ABSOLUTELY don’t blame her.  Not like she’s anyone to judge, though.  She’s never lived her life by any set of rules or standards or values except her own, selfish ones (at least when it comes to sex and men).  I don’t know WHY she thought it was okay to have sex with my soul mate, husband and the father of my children.  That he was dying does NOT make it okay.  If anything, it makes it worse, if you ask me.  She didn’t need to do that and shame on her for thinking I’d “understand,” if that’s what she thought.  I just never let it bother me because it was pointless.  The fact that she ****** him was always overshadowed for me by the fact that he died…him dying was always more important to me than her ******* him.  Plus, I guess I light-weight figured we were even.  But, when I was kickin it with John, she was all the way in California with her baby’s daddy.  She ****** Bob while I was right around the corner, STRUGGLING with the fact that he was dying and trying to take care of his children by myself.  She also saw fit to **** Adam, who she KNEW was one of my “big ones.”  She ***** whoever she wants to whenever she wants to and, to the best of my knowledge, it has never really mattered much who the person was or who was waiting at home for them.  Pretty much, if they showed up and wanted to participate, **** was goin down.  The only real reason why she would have a problem with me ******* Nicky is because she knows (first ******* hand) that I am the ****.  She knows that it’s difficult for anyone to spend time with me like that and it not be about SO much more than sex.  She knows I’m cut from a different cloth than her and she knows Nicky would love the **** out of me.  She knows that I am NOT the kind of person to **** someone’s brother AND father (especially not someone that I’m supposed to “love so much” and, I honestly don’t care what the circumstances were.)  She knows she can’t really compete with me.  Maybe I can’t “compete” with her, either.

But, still, I feel badly.  I do love her and I know she’s a person, just like the rest of us.  I really don’t want to be the source of any pain for her.  But, honestly, she makes her own bed…she always has, just like we all do.  And, I see absolutely NO reason to end my involvement with Nicky because she has a problem with it.  **** her.  She hasn’t even thought enough of me or our friendship to try and talk to me about the situation; to talk to me period.  I’m honestly over all these people who expect me to just continue endlessly making sacrifices.  People just take and take and take from me.  People know that I’m a good person and that I will usually choose the right thing to do, in most scenarios, even if I don’t get what I want….if they know me, they know who I am.  And, those that do know who I am (most of them)…I honestly have to say that they usually take me for granted.  People count on me “always coming through.”  People count on me to take the high road.  Gina can kiss my ***…just like Callie and Adam.  She’s so ******* selfish.  All the women in her family are.  I’ve never known a single one of them to EVER live life by any code other than “It’s all about me.”  I’m pretty sure I’ll never be able to discuss any of this with her.  She’s accused me of some ludicrous things.  For sure, there are too many emotions involved for her to talk to me about this…..maybe for me, too.  And I really don’t need to be having any arguments with anyone.  So, **** her.  I’m not gonna chase her down.  If she wants to play dumb games like leaving her empty cigarette pack on Nicky’s living room floor to make her presence known; if she doesn’t have the time to respond to my e-mails or phone calls, why should I bother?  **** it.

And, Nicky is a complete idiot.  I’m pretty sure I can count on him to try to stir the pot up as much as possible.  I’m sure he’s been occupied with some other person (or persons) in recent weeks.  I’m not sure what it is that ever prompts him to call me but it’s clear that he’s busy doing other things right now.  He’s made it clear…in his Nicky way.  I know he’s been drinking excessively.  I know for a fact that I have had a major impact on him.  I know for a fact that I honestly have “turned his whole world upside down.”  I know that there isn’t a single woman (in his life or anywhere) who can compare to me.  I know I’m one of the best things to ever happen to Nicky and, I believe he honestly knows it, too.  But, that doesn’t necessarily mean to him what it means to me.  Nicky clearly has a different agenda than I do.  I’m not sure exactly what it is but, I’m pretty sure it mostly involves all manner of stuff and people to keep himself busy….to occupy himself so he never has to deal with what’s really going on inside of him.  He’s like a ******* mack truck…like a high-speed train.  And, despite the fact that he “needs” me…well….when does Nicky ever do what he needs to do for himself?  Maybe he’s honestly more attracted to people and things that are bad for him.  Maybe someone like Pat or Gina is more enjoyable for him to indulge in.  Maybe he doesn’t really want me.  But, I can’t take that personally.  If he doesn’t want me, I’m positive it’s not a reflection of who I am but of his own inability to deal with ****….which, ultimately means he’s a coward.  That’s really what I need to concentrate on.  That fact alone would, essentially, make him no different than any other man who’s loved me.

I’m having the strangest reaction to Nicky, though.  There are so many things about him that should make him impossible for me to handle, or even want to deal with.  I worry frequently that I’m just overlooking all that **** cuz I want his company so badly; that I really am acting desperately.  Last night, I was trying to picture other men saying and doing some of the stuff Nicky has.  I imagined my exe laying on the floor, all drunk and messy, saying, “Shut the **** up, *****!” (the way Nicky did when I was at his house last Thursday night.  He said it so loudly and in such a way that Kevin had to holler, from the back room “Leave her alone!”  Me and Nicky just looked at each other and laughed.  At the time, it really felt like we were both laughing for the same reason:  it was funny that Kevin felt like he had to defend me because me and Nicky know there was no reason for a “defense.”  We just talk to each other like that.  We both know there is no harm intended.  Even so, his mouth was really raunchy that night and, at one point I asked him, “Why are you talking to me so nasty?”  and he responded by holding me really lovingly & saying, “I’m sorry.  C’mere.  You know I don’t mean it, baby.” 

I’m reading these words and I’m hearing all that psycho-babble droning in the back of my head.  “Look at you.  You’re in the exact same situation as you always have been…with an abusive man.”)  Anyway, while I was picturing my exe saying that to me, it was so weird…like, it just didn’t fit; like it wouldn’t fit; like I would have felt differently if it were my exe saying it.  I thought about why that is, a lot.  I think about it a lot.  I really FEEL that Nicky doesn’t mean that stuff.  It doesn’t affect me at all, usually, except to make me really sad for him.  Mostly, I am overwhelmed by the chaos and torment of all his pain rolling all over me.  It fills me with so much compassion and empathy….like, two-way empathy.  I feel like there is a really special, unspoken understanding between us…something that is definitely reciprocated.  Mostly, I think it’s that fact that makes it so easy for me to see straight through all the words and aggression.  I’m not avoiding it…that’s an impossibility.  It’s always there.  I have to walk straight through all his pain to get to him.  That’s the way it’s always looked to me…I’ve actually seen it….consistently.  I’ve never felt afraid of him, although there is PLENTY of reason for me to think that I should be afraid of him.  I’ve never FELT afraid.  Never.  Not once.  There have been times when I felt overwhelmed by his darkness; like a fish-out-of-water; like I didn’t know enough about his state of mind to be trying to deal with him.  There have been times when I have been unsure of myself and caught off-guard by the depth of his pain; what it may (or may not) make him capable of doing.  But, I have never feared him.  I have felt like some things have gotten out of hand and bordered being completely out of control.  But, I have always felt safe, protected.  Never afraid.  Even when he had that pistol. 

What is this?  I have to trust myself.  It doesn’t have to be one way or the other.  I am right about everything I’ve felt.  It’s all real.  But, I can also still need to keep my distance a little bit.  He obviously needs time away from me for whatever reasons, anyway.  I’m best to use this time to practice my focus.  I have a life to live; goals to work toward; addictions to overcome.  Some of my involvement with Nicky really is based on addiction.  But, that doesn’t devalue the experience.  I just have to figure out how to end the addictive behavior….like waiting on him to call and all that stuff…. I have to keep doing what I’ve been doing and avoid getting caught up in all the drama with him….the Gina **** included.  If she’s gonna be hanging around at his house, I’ll stop going over there.  It may take me a minute but, I will.  I know myself.  I wouldn’t be able to put myself through that kind of torment.  That’s one really good reason why it’s important that I don’t drink.

I am DETERMINED to quit smoking, break the cycles and bonds of habitual/addictive behavior and lead an active, healthy, productive life. Everyone can kiss my ***!!!  All these men…all these stupid, weak men that never had enough courage to love me or even let me love them…..all the ones who were afraid of my “instability” and didn’t think highly enough of me  (or themselves) to stand by my side and encourage me to be all that I can be…every single one of them who doubts me can kiss my beautiful, tiny, little ***.  In fact, I think I really just won’t buy another pack of cigarettes.  **** it.  There’s only two days left to smoke before my quit date.  I’ll just start taking this cough medicine right now and drinking water…out of the tap, if I have to.  I’m just gonna quit now.  watch me.

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
Mar 26, 2007