It's All a Part of the Passing Parade.....

March 25, 2007 

I’ve had an extremely emotional week.  It’s hard for me to keep track of everything if I don’t write it all down and I haven’t written much.  And, it’s like there’s way too much to write.  I’m overwhelmed, exhausted.  Nicky and I have been spending really quality time together.  I mean, we have actually been having normal, productive conversations.  I love him so much.  I just love being with him.  I’m beginning to feel trapped, though…like it will become harder and harder to detach myself from him.  The other night, he said to me, “You can take the things I say for whatever they’re worth.  But, if you buy into any of it, you’re not gonna be able to buy out.”  He also told me that “There’s no one special person in my life.”  His (favorite) Aunt Ellie told me last night, “Awww.  Poor child! You got it bad.” 

March 26, 2007

I need to get it together.  I feel like I’ve been walking around like a zombie.  I’ve been ALL submersed in everything Nicky.  I think I’m putting too much “trust” in him.  I can’t believe it’s been so difficult for me to learn this lesson…it seems like something I should’ve learned when I was a little girl….a baby, even.  Like, I was just reading My daughter’s baby book the other day…about how, at a year old, she recognized when people were strange or unfamiliar and, instinctively, knew to be more cautious of them.  As I read it, I pondered how she may have perceived “strangers” before she’d developed whatever she’d needed to develop to be wary of them.  I mean, through her baby eyes, did we all look and feel the same?  Was it the purity of her innocence that made her recognize only the good in people; was she only “able” to sense the love; the energy?  I think she learned to be cautious cuz she’d been hanging out in the physical world for a little while, where energy is manifested in “solid” hunks of matter that can bump into each other and, she reasoned that some of those collisions could be quite unpleasant.  But, “unpleasant” isn’t a sensation she was even aware of before she, herself, became a solid hunk of matter.  Energy, in it’s “original” state, is free-flowing…constant, rapid.  It can’t bump into anything because there is only it.  It can’t bump into itself.  Before she had skin with nerve-endings, she didn’t know cold or hot or wet.  Before she had tear ducts and lungs, she was unable to cry.  Crying is a natural response.  The spirit “enters” the body, or the energy manifests as matter.  The body gets cold and sets off a chain of biological reactions; goose bumps form, heart rate increases, adrenaline starts flowing and the body communicates with the spirit.  And the spirit fully experiences the pointy, tingling sensation; the rush of blood through the veins.  It is strange and altogether unfamiliar to the spirit.  The spirit communicates their response to the body and the body cries for the spirit.

What I’m considering is that she learned to be cautious because, ultimately, it’s necessary for survival, but, only survival as a human being.  Pain is pain and pleasure is pleasure.  By definition, pain is “un-enjoyable” but “un-enjoyable” is relative to “enjoyable.  We prefer pleasure to pain because of the very nature of each experience and we can’t know one without the other. 

The bottom line is that every thing is “necessary.”  I need to give myself a friggin break and just live, already!  I really need to just give myself PERMISSION to do WHATEVER it is that I’m doing with Nicky!  Because, ain’t **** gonna change!  We’re never gonna be completely satisfied with our lives.  There’s always gonna be something we want that we don’t have.  We’re always going to have regrets.  We’re NEVER gonna be able to turn back the hands of time (unless someone can actually figure out how to build Maxwell’s Daemon) and we’re NEVER gonna have all the answers!!!!!  We’re gonna fight for our survival because it’s in our genes and we’re gonna risk our lives for love.  We are eternal products of duality. 

There are no “solutions.”  Everything just is. 

This morning, I asked a really important person, “What am I doing?  Why am I putting myself in this position with him?”  And, she said, “To pass the time.”  I wish I could’ve just reached through the phone and squeezed her!!!  Because, she’s right!!  In the end, (and this may sound really cold but, I honestly believe it’s true) that’s all ANY of our human experiences are!!!  We got to become human because it’s a priceless gift.  It is a MIRACLE to be able to experience cold rain tapping on our noses….to taste mouth-watering foods and have *******; to love and hate and fear and laugh and grieve and dance.  She was my angel this morning because she told me, AND I BELIEVE HER, that:  “Abby, people come into each other’s lives for a reason.  There’s something for each of us to gain from the people we know and love.  When this situation with Nicky becomes more than you want to deal with, you’ll walk away because you know when is the right time to do that.  Just trust yourself.”

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
Mar 27, 2007