An Explanation About the Drama With Gina

There’s this long-time friend of mine…she’s actually more like family.  Her name is Gina.  Gina has a drinking and sex problem.  She admits to having been with hundreds and hundreds of men (and women.  And, I must confess, I’ve “been” with her, too but, that’s a whole nother story I don’t feel like getting into right now.  I’ll honestly have to start a whole group for that!)  She even openly admits to selling sex for money; quite a few of the women in her family have.  I love her dearly and have never judged her. (Although I’ve always tried to tell her great things about herself and get her to see that she doesn’t have to sell herself out the way she does.) 

Well, she’s been with Nicky.  She was with him long before I ever was.  But, as far as I ever knew, he was just another one of the men she was having sex with…a bootie call.  She’s married now; has been for a few years.  And, before this husband, she was living with another man, for several years.  Her and Nicky haven’t spoken to each other in years.  He even told me that  once, this last summer, he ran into her in some convenience store and all she did was raise her hand to him as she walked by, with her nose in the air.  I guess she stopped talking to him when she got married.

When I told her that I was kickin it with Nicky, she wasn’t mad at me or anything but she was bothered and she let me know:   “He was one of my ‘big ones.’  I really love him.  I mean, you can do what you want to do but, I’m just really uncomfortable with it.”

At this point, the only knowledge I had of Nicky through her was that they had been friends for many years.  Through the years, I vaguely remember her telling me stories about him.  But the only honest knowledge I had of him through her was that he was violent (I remembered her having bruises from him but, she liked that ****, too); that they had sex; that he drank a lot and that he used to run an after-hours joint in town.  I FIRST knew of Nicky through my deceased husband, since they grew up together.

Nicky and I discussed it (this all happened at the very beginning of us getting together.)

He got really upset by what she said to me about dating/having sex/”getting with” him.  “What?!?  Who does she think she is?  First of all, me and her barely had sex in the ten years that we dealt with each other.  Secondly, she ****** my brother AND my father so she can kiss my ***.  You tell her if she doesn’t want you ******* anybody she’s ******, tell her to quit ******* every damn body!!”

About a month or two after this conversation between her and I, I really started to recognize that there was the potential for me to develop some deep feelings for Nicky.  At the time that I told her about him, I still wasn’t even that attracted to him.  We’d had sex, once but, I honestly felt no desire to have sex with him again.  I figgered we’d just be friends.  I’d help him deal with the death of his friend and he’d help me get through everything I was going through with my son.  I honestly didn’t feel like Nicky was someone I would get really, romantically involved with.  He was someone to lean on, at the time and that’s basically it.  I maintained contact with him under these pretenses after her and I talked and really didn’t think it would be a problem.  But, when things FIRST started to change for me, I called her.  I thought we should have a conversation so I could find out exactly where she stood.  I mean, if my involvement with him was something that could potentially damage our friendship, now was the time to find out.  When I called, she was home with her husband and not able to talk but I told her I really needed to talk to her about Nicky.  Her response was in an e-mail, a few days later:  “Please don’t ever ‘have’ to talk to me about Nicky.  I don’t like that you’re dating him.”

The way I took that was like, **** it.  What does it matter?  Why am I concerned about preserving a friendship with someone that can’t even have a conversation with me?  I mean, how important can this whole matter be to her, if it’s not even worth having a conversation about?  How highly can she actually think of me if she can’t even acknowledge whatever I may have wanted to discuss with her?  And, I went about my business with Nicky.  After all, it’s not my JOB to read peoples’ minds!  I certainly wasn’t gonna just cut ties with Nicky based on the two sentences she’d said to me about the situation!  And, she was married, for Pete’s sake!  Why should she care?  I mean, okay…her marriage sucked but, ****!  Three years ago, we were “celebrating” the fact that you were giving your LIFE to him and you’ve barely spoken to me since!

So, I just left it all alone.  Why shouldn’t I?  She was!  And, then MY Nicky-story truly began to unfold.  It’s already part-history.

There’s so much more to this story between her and I.  Most of the conflict began when I started dating one of her exes, years ago….someone that I KNEW she loved and was WITH (someone I had full knowledge of being SO much more than just a bootie call to her….. just for the record, she was NEVER faithful to him.  She’s ALWAYS had multiple sex partners at a time, no matter who she loved or was “with.”)  I had an innocent crush on her guy, John.  The four of us (me, her, John and my deceased husband) were all actually really good friends.  John and my husband also grew up together.  Her and John wound up splitting up and she went back to her daughter’s father, in California.  She was pregnant with her second baby by the same man.  She’d been living in Cali for two years when John and I started bumping into each other.  One thing led to another and I made a conscious decision to enter into a “relationship” with her exe, thinking she was gone for good and that it would only be temporary between he and I, anyway.  I knew what I was doing wasn’t right but, I honestly had decided, intentionally, to be selfish.  She was.  My husband was.  Everyone else seemed to be walking through life doing whatever the **** they felt like doing, so why shouldn’t I?  For once in my life, I didn’t FEEL like being the one sitting home alone trying to do the “right” thing.  That man made me feel absolutely, completely, 100% adored and I NEEDED what he was giving me.  We became very good friends but, our involvement, just as I’d said, was temporary.  He got married and started a family and lived happily ever after but, not until several years later.

At the tail-end of my involvement with him (I had been trying to break it off with him for several weeks), Gina moved back from California.  I didn’t know what to do.  I honestly believed that she wasn’t gonna come back.  I honestly thought that I’d be able to do my little dirt and it’d be years away from us before I’d ever be really confronted by her about it.  Honestly, I didn’t think I ever would be confronted by her.  It was supposed to be some **** that just happened then got tucked away in the back of the closet for the rest of everyone’s lives and, I actually honestly felt like I had finally earned my “big-dog-stripes” by finally having a (single) bone in my closet!!  I knew it would hurt her; that I was wrong but she was never supposed to know.

Ha!  I have never been able to “get away” with anything.  I’d let John come to my place, ONE LAST TIME.  It was finally over.  That happened maybe a couple weeks after she’d gotten back from Cali.  Someone saw him leaving my place and told her.  She called me.  “Have you been with John?”  “Yes,” was my immediate response.  I was ready to take responsibility for my actions even though I NEVER believed I’d have to AND that **** came on with NO warning!!

She always said that the only thing that spared our friendship was my honesty.  It took a few years for us to iron out the bumps and awkwardness.  I only had to endure a relatively small amount of abuse for my heinous deed and life went on…so I thought.  She never got over it, that’s the bottom line and I don’t honestly blame her.

Four or five years after the john-thing, when I was a new widow, she told me she had sex with my dying husband…said she felt like she was doing such a beautiful and special thing for him because he came to her because he wanted to get off and she “did him a favor.”  I bought into it.  But only because I know her and because I cared an awful lot more about the fact that he was dead than whatever it was she thought she was doing for him.  Plus, I chalked it up as us being “even” for the whole John-escapade.  I NEVER once (in the eleven years since his death) let her know how much it bothered me or that I really didn’t think it was okay because it was honestly irrelevant.

Life continued to go on.  We’ve always loved each other very much but, there’s been other dumb **** that’s happened between us.  She’s turned on me a couple times…in fact, I’d venture to say she actually set me up.  But, as I said, she’s more like family to me.  I’ve been a part of her whole family for most of my life.  You treat family differently than your friends.  They’re “entitled” to get away with stuff.  At least, that’s the philosophy that we have all lived by.  The dirt that the women in her family do to each other!  Lord, if you think you’ve gotten an earful with our story!!  It’s absolutely CRAZY, some of the **** they do!  I’ve had to defend them, forever.  No one has ever been able to understand how I can associate myself with “those types of people,” especially the men in my life.  As women, they have NO boundaries and they certainly don’t hide it.  It’s easy for a man to think that, if his woman is hanging out with women like that, she MUST be doing the same type **** they’re doing.

But the thing about them that has been invaluable to me is the FACT that they TRULY love unconditionally.  They’re all ****** up.  They all know it.  But, they’re all human.  This is why I’ve appreciated them.  This is why I’ve made sacrifices and forgiven them for being human.  They’re generally non-judgmental and will take a bum in off the streets to love and feed them.  They’re really good people.  But, DAYUM!!!!  I’m not ABOUT to be her ******* fall guy, again!!!  ****, this is life!  We’re supposed to move forward!  She’s still living the exact same life!  I’m trying to be real!

She sent me an e-mail, out of the blue the other day.  She’s “nuts” about me and Nicky and she really needs me to make her feel better so she can again think of me in her ‘Abby-way.’”  “Please hurry and call my cell.”  Whatever.

I immediately told Nicky about the e-mail.  He got really defensive.  He thought, for sure whatever she would say to me about him would drive me away from him; that, as a woman, my loyalties would ultimately lie with her.  He knows the kind of people she and I are and how much love we have for each other.  He was angry with me for it.  He was enraged with her; said this was a problem they’d always had...that for years, she was entitled to **** whoever she wanted… “she could **** my brother, my father, my woman, my sister.  She could **** whoever she wanted to **** and so could I….as long as she didn’t know them.  **** her.”  He was so upset with me:  “And, she ****** your dead husband?  What the hell is wrong with you, Abby?!?”  I may have been wrong, but I assured him that, when I made the phone call, I was going to defend my involvement with him; that, I basically agreed with him.  Should I feel guilty?  Am I wrong?  For agreeing with him?  Have I actually become some evil, desperate, conniving ***** for feeling more loyal toward him than her???

We finally talked last night.  She did exactly what I knew she would:  she tried to paint me as this selfish, evil ***** that knew exactly what I was doing when I got with Nicky.  She got indignant….HA!  I had to bring up my husband.  I had to.  How’s she gonna hold me accountable for wrecking her well-being by getting involved with this man she herself describes as “the one she went to when she had no one else; the one that was always there for her”?????  Who the hell is SHE to ever hold ANYthing against ANYbody?!?!?!?!?

I was empathetic and apologetic.  It honestly does hurt me to know that the position she’s in right now has anything to do with me. (Consequently, she recently left her husband, is living with her daughter, who I’m also very close to, and has gone on a diet; is making all these big changes in her life.)  But, I didn’t defend myself.  In fact, I refused to.  I explained my side of the story to her as best as I could.  I told her that we may not be at this point, had we had this conversation much sooner and that I honestly am sorry but, what did she want me to do?  Now that we already are at this point?  I mean, what?  I had to choose, now who was going to be my friend???  I didn’t say this to her but, my attitude is, “****!  I’m an almost-40-year-old, SINGLE woman!  I don’t have time for this grade-school bullshit!!”  I told her I didn’t think it was about Nicky, at all.  And, she doesn’t believe there’s ANY way I couldn’t have known that she wanted to marry Nicky, at one time in her life!  That’s what supposedly makes me “wrong” in this whole situation (I mean, according to the “rules” that she lives by); that I got involved with him when I knew that he was one of the “great loves” of her life.  I guess, if it’s someone that she was just *******, it’s okay for me to get involved with them.  So, what actually makes me such an evil, conniving “friend” is that I’m MUST be lying about having NO idea he was THAT special to her!!  Hmph!  He was one of a long line of men in her life.  I recognized the ones she LIVED with to be off-limits and everyone else to be…just… her… people.  So, I had to bring up my husband.  “Why are your reasons for ******* him okay and my reasons for getting involved with Nicky not okay?  You committed adultery by ******* him, no matter what.  And, you did it, knowing that I was right around the corner, struggling to raise his children alone and deal with the fact that he was DYING!!”  You know, I didn’t think of it, but I should have mentioned, “And, by the way, while you were over there being such a good ******* friend to him by giving him a mercy **** in his dying days, WHAT THE **** WERE YOU DOING TO TRY AND HELP ME DEAL WITH LOSING HIM?!?!?!?  That didn’t occur to me until just now, though...dammit.  Anyhow, I told her, basically, that if she believed I made the same mistake with Nicky as I did with John that she didn’t’ know me at all.  She couldn’t answer me when I asked her what possible ******* reason I had to lie to her because she knows she’s full of ****.

I’m sorry but I feel damn good about how I’m handling this.  She cried…said she didn’t think she’d be able to talk to me anymore.  We said we loved each other over and over again.  She said she couldn’t ask me to end my involvement with him because she knew she had no right to and that it was none of her business.  She said she felt like throwing up when I told why I valued him.  She called me a ***** and yelled at me, “Of all the ******* men on the planet, why did you have to pick one of my guys to find comfort in?!?!?”  I didn’t say half the things that were in my heart.  I lovingly and firmly made my position known to her.

There’ll be more on this topic….there’s already some other stuff that’s happened and I need to write it down but I haven’t gotten to it yet.

Good lord and Jesus in heaven!!!  Just as I finished writing this sentence I got a call from a police officer in an urban district very, very close to the big city I live about thirty minutes from.  He was calling to find out where my daughter was supposed to be!!!  I PUT HER ON THE BUS THIS MORNING!!  I just took her to a gynecologist a couple weeks ago, to make SURE she is on birth control that is safe for her (with her headaches, and everything she has limited options.)  Well, she was in the car with this stupid boy I’ve been trying to keep her away from.  Apparently, he picked her up from the vocational school she attends for culinary arts and she never made it to the high school.  According to the answers she gave the officer to the questions he asked her while I was on the phone, together, her and the boy were going to cash his check and GO BUY A PREGNANCY TEST!!!!

And my car is in NO condition to drive the distance to pick her up.  I’ve called my family and the family of her father.  No one can drive me to rescue her.  My exe is coming (from an hour away) to pick me up then drive another forty-five minutes to pick her up!!!  Thank GOD for exes!!!                        

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
3 Responses Mar 27, 2007

I just had to write something after I read this. I hate girls and all their drama!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean I am a girl myself but jeeze!!! your friend doesnt really sound like someone you could have a healthy relationship with and all this drama just stresses you out! and I hope everything is ok with your daughter!!

I love the words "responsible" and "proud." I love that you say i DESERVE to feel good and "have my fun." I love and appreciate it SO much!! Because, it's true. I know I'm a good person, with a heart of gold and FULL of love. You do know that you deserve the same stuff, right? Thank you SO much for taking the time to read. Thank you even more for your input. It is valued more than you know!!!

i think that you have been very responsible in handling this situation. i do not know your friend, but i am proud of how you handled your part of this relationship issue. it is not up to your friend to decide who you get to develop feelings for. unfortunately it is not something we even choose for ourselves. that is what makes me kind of snicker at the fact that she asked you "of all the men on the planet!" it really doesn't seem that you were doing it to be spiteful. also, i don't believe that you can mark men as yours and yours forever. you have your fun with Nicky. you deserve it.