Life Is Full of Contradictions That We Can Learn From

April 1, 2007

 If I had started kickin it with Nicky any sooner than I did, I would have never been able to “hang” with him, I’m sure.  He definitely needs a woman and, in all the other relationships I’ve been in, I’ve been more like a girl.  I mean, I would have NEVER done things like automatically make the bed when I get out of it or make sure his sink doesn’t have dirty dishes in it when I leave the house.  And, if I would have done any of that type stuff, I would have done it in silent protest.  I used to hate taking care of My exe’s house…mostly, I think because he honestly made me feel like it was something I HAD to do.  Plus, I never felt completely at-home in his house.  I hated how anal he was and how much of an ******* he would be if his **** wasn’t tight.  I’ve grown up so much and Nicky has honestly been an integral part of helping me to develop my “woman-ness.”  Just the other day, when he was about to work on my car, he asked me to straighten up and stuff while he was outside.  I said, “Baby!  Don’t you know how well you’ve trained me?  Don’t you know you don’t have to ask me to do that ****???”  I don’t know what it is about Nicky that has always made me like doing stuff like that for him.  I’m sure it has a lot to do with the fact that, when I first started getting to know him, I recognized a need in his life; like he was being neglected; neglecting himself.  Very early in our dealing with each other, I remember telling him that he needed a woman.  I could tell, too, that he liked being taken care of.  And, I wanted to be able to “take care” of him.  I remember the first time he asked me to fold all those clothes down in the basement….it made me feel SO good; I felt privileged, like I was doing something for him that he honestly would appreciate.  I spent all that time down there folding and thinking about him waking up in the dark, cold, winter mornings and being able to find everything he needed without digging through a huge pile.  I thought it would make him feel like someone was looking out for him and that thought alone made (what normally is considered a chore for me) a truly enjoyable experience.  I imagined that, even if he didn’t recognize it consciously that he would feel loved, somehow.

 We act like husband and wife…or like, he’s my man and I’m his woman…calling each other “Baby” and “Honey” all the time.  We hardly ever say each other’s names.  And, I feel like a wife, doing all that stuff for him at his house.  I like that his guests ask me for stuff sometimes when they come over.  I like that those men come over and talk about how “fine” I am and how “lucky” Nicky is to have me over there giving him so much love and attention; treating him like a man; waiting on him; acting like his *****; singing love songs to him.  I like that he doesn’t know where stuff is, sometimes; that he “complains” that I’ve organized **** too much.  The other day, I was joking with Jay about how I like it when Nicky asks me where stuff is and Jay said, “Why?  Do you like to feel needed?”  And, I realized that I do.  And, Nicky makes me feel SO needed…not just because he tells me he needs me, either. He and My exe are distinctly different in this respect.  My exe didn’t “need” me for ****.  He could take care of himself just fine.  In fact, he preferred to take care of himself.  He never let me do his laundry because he wanted to make sure it was done right.  Nicky lets me know the way he wants things done and he can be particular about a thing or two.  But, he seems happy just to have my help and doesn’t usually complain.  At least, it never feels like complaining to me.  It just feels like he’s trying to help me help him!  He communicates what he wants to me in his own, little Nicky way and I pay attention.

 I was so friggin terrified about this mole on my face and, just spending time with him for the day and night has made me feel SO much better!  He doesn’t deal with life-stuff very well and I know he’s worried about me.  Still, because he has such a hard time dealing with ****, I thought the mole would be something that we’d never discuss again; that it wouldn’t even come up, unless I brought it up and I didn’t really plan to.  I thought he would want to brush it under the rug and act like it wasn’t happening.  But, as soon as I walked in his door yesterday, he said, “Awww…what’s wrong with my baby?  Why you look so sad, Honey.  C’mere…lemme give you a hug…” and, before he hugged me, he cupped his palm on my chin and turned my face, “Lemme see,” he said as he checked the mole.  It’s so obvious to me, what he was communicating to me.

 We do have a very interesting, unusual, connected, endearing way of communicating with each other.  Like, yesterday:  he and Billy were sitting in the living room choppin it up with the music playing really loud.  There was a barely-audible knock at the back door and he peaked around the kitchen corner with a questioning look on his face.  At the same time, I was peaking around the corner and saw him looking toward the door but not making any move to get up…like he didn’t really think he’d heard a knock.  But, then he looked into my eyes and I just nodded.  With no words, he asked me if someone was at the door and I told him yes!  I just LOVE that!!  Then, he motioned for me to go answer the door after he’d looked at the monitor to see who was there.  And, this morning:  he ****** me really hard and my abdomen was cramping up pretty badly.  It never has before.  He’s usually always pretty rough and I always like it, even when it hurts, sometimes.  There’s been so many times when he said, “You’re too tough for me, girl.  I can’t hang.”  And, I think he’s been bewildered and turned-on by the fact that I can take his **** so well.  Every time he *****, he honestly beats the ***** UP!!  Like, he’s honestly trying to hurt me; like it’s a challenge for him and he loves it; like he’s just waiting for me to cringe in pain and start pulling away from him, or something.  But I never do.  This morning, while I was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes, my legs were shaking.  ( was so cute, he said, “You know why they’re shakin?  Cuz I got it like that!”)  I made some comment about how he ****** the **** outta me, and he said, “I tried to tell you, Honey.  I said, ‘Let me take it easy on you, Baby’ but you said, ‘Unh uh.  Give it to me.’”  He was talking about what happened when we had sex this morning, only neither one of us actually spoke those words to each other….but, that IS what we basically communicated to each other and, the fact that he put it into words like that was SUCH a confirmation to me (again) that I really am feeling him the way I think I am and vice versa; that all of my intuition has been and remains to be correct about, with him.

 I can’t believe he let me drive him out of town yesterday.  That was major. 

It never ceases to amaze me how much I'm benefitting from knowing this man...the circumstances are SO screwy and it's NOT an "easy" situation for me to be in all of the time.  Still, I REALLY am learning and growing and becoming more of what I already am.  This is a powerful experience for me because I'm witnessing, first-hand (again but through older, wiser eyes) how things are NOT always as they appear to be.  And, this experience or lesson is spreading out into my entire life; my entire existence....even when things are bad, they are still good.  it sounds cliche as hell, i know but:  IF LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS (and, you KNOW it will): make some kick-*** lemonade!!!  And, then you can dry the rinds out and put it in your dish-soap...!!!

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
Apr 1, 2007