Not Sure What to Make of It...

April 2, 2007 

Nicky has really been surprising me lately.  I mean, I’ve been keeping track of things as good as possible for the passed couple months and I am seeing a pattern developing so, it’s not like I’m expecting him to be 100% consistent with the way he’s been lately but, he’s still really been surprising me. 

For example:  on March 23rd, I worked ALL friggin day in the mud.  I was really, really sad all day long, because I was wet and in the mud and working alone the whole time.  But, mostly I was REALLY sad that Nicky seemed to be so intent on keeping his distance from me the whole time.  Usually, he makes it a point to interact with me throughout the work day; to check on me and do his little Nicky-flirting.  There was none of that this Friday.  I don’t know where I got the idea that we would spend time together at the end of the work day because, like I said, he totally kept his distance from me.  At one point, by the end of the day when he was keeping me waiting, I thought it was so he could get me to his house after.  But, he just sent me on my way to do him a favor & pay his Chase bill and go about my business.  I ended up having to go to his house because John left his jacket in my car and I acted like a spoiled brat for the few minutes I was there.  I pretty much avoided eye-contact with him; was all cordial & polite when I gave him his receipt…there was a remark or two about what we each were getting ready to do and I punched him in the chest as I turned to finish walking out the back door.  “Hey!” he yelled after me.  “Come back here!”  I just ignored him and got in my car.  He didn’t follow me and I was devastated.  I cried like an animal when I got home for a good hour or two then got myself together to call him.  I promised myself that I wasn’t gonna call because I knew he wouldn’t answer the phone all weekend, anyway.  But, I gave in. I had to.  I didn’t even expect him to answer the phone but he did… AND he talked to me.

I said, “I know you probably don’t care –“  he cut me off: 

“Wait a minute.  What do you mean ‘I don’t care?!?’” 

“I mean, I’m sure you really don’t care that I’m upset but I was hoping you could give me your attention for about seven minutes so I can explain it to you.” 

“I really don’t like the way you treated me over here, Abby.  And, of course I care that you’re upset.  Why don’t you tell me why?”

“You seriously don’t know what I’m upset about?” I asked. 

“No, I really don’t, honey.  You’re gonna have to talk to me.  If you don’t tell me what’s wrong, there’s no way I’m gonna know.” 

I wasn’t expecting that kind of reaction from him.  It caught me COMPLETELY off-guard.  I stammered around for a while until he started getting a little frustrated and I thought to myself, “What’s wrong with me?  I’m so articulate and ready to tell people what I’m thinking and feeling.  I’ve never had a hard time in any of my other relationships telling a man precisely what I’m bothered about.”  Finally, I started to relax a little bit and I started out a little light.  I told him I felt like a silly little girl because of the way I was feeling and how I acted.  I ended up saying, “Okay.  I’m ready to tell you, now.” 

He said, “Well, what if I’m not ready to listen to you anymore?” 

I whined, “Awww…but I was already starting to tell you….” 

He laughed his warm, little endearing and loving laugh and got real gentle and sweet with me, “Tell me.” 

So, I told him that I felt stupid because I wanted to be around him all the time and I know it’s retarded for me to feel this way but the only reason why I got so upset is because he had something else to do and I was looking forward to being with him all day at work.  He was so unusually empathetic and compassionate.  He said he thought he and I would go a lot further if we just kept doing what we were doing; that he valued my friendship and he didn’t want to do anything to ruin it because he wanted us to be friends for a long time; that getting into a “serious relationship” always ruined things and he didn’t think we needed to take that chance.  He said, “Listen, honey:  Don’t you and I, whenever we get together have a good time?  Don’t we both walk away feeling really good?”  I answered yes to both questions.  “Well, why does there have to be something wrong, then?  Everything’s going real good, honey, let’s just leave it at that.”  Of course, that makes all the sense in the world. 

He went on to tell me that there’s “no one special person in his life” and that I needed to understand that it’s not me…it’s him.  This is the way he lives his life and handles his relationships and I shouldn’t take it personally because he thinks the world of me. 

It didn’t end there.  He ended the conversation rather abruptly and promised me that he’d call me back later so we could finish the conversation.  I told him it was okay if we didn’t “finish,”  “just please give me a break and, just this once, don’t tell me you’re gonna call back if you already know you’re not going to.  I’m too upset to handle that right now.” 

“Listen to me:  I’ve got something to take care of.  I PROmise you, I will call you when I get back home.  Okay, honey?” 

I wasn’t sure I believed him.  Actually, I honestly didn’t believe him.  But, I was more than grateful that he talked to me.  He made me feel a lot better, even though I just KNEW he was going to spend the weekend at his other girl’s house.  (WhoEVER that is!) 

I got off the phone with him feeling generally content and ultimately warmed and surprised by his reaction to me.  I was also a little scared that he was taking me so seriously.  I was ready to face the rest of my Friday night alone.  He called a few hours later. 

“I told you I’d call you back, Honey.  What’re you doing?  Cuz, I really wanna finish our conversation.  Why don’t you come over here and talk to me?” 

I went.  Practically as soon as I walked in the door, he confronted me.   

He said something like, “I couldn’t even enjoy what I was doing tonight because I couldn’t stop thinking and worrying about you.”  He proceeded to tell me how MUCH he cares about me and how really upset it makes him to see me feeling unhappy the way I was.  He talked about how I treated him before I left his house earlier and how distressing it was to him.  He was upset with me for acting like I didn’t know how much he cares about me and, he was actually yelling at me about what I put him through by being hurt.  I was like, “So, what…I’m not supposed to communicate with you? I’m not supposed to let you know how I’m feeling?  I mean, since it bothers you so much, do you want me to hide it from you when I’m upset, or what?”  That’s pretty much the only thing I said to him and it was near the end of his soliloquy.  And, of course, that’s not what he meant.  It was actually very touching to me.  He stood right in front of me and looked me dead in the eye the whole time he was talking.  I couldn’t do much more then just stand in front of him, in silence.  Whenever I tried to look away from him, he made me return the eye contact he was trying to maintain….he wanted me to see that he was serious. 

He wanted me to spend the night with him again the next night, a Saturday.  I’d spent most of the day on Saturday cleaning his house and doing other stuff for him.  Late in the afternoon, we wound up having company…Jay and that damn Betty girl from Thanksgiving that just won’t go away.  I served everyone, including her.  I was really comfortable and at home in his house and, I can’t lie…I wanted her to see that.  Both of them SWEAR that they’re “just friends,” but, I tell him all the time that I don’t trust either one of them.  The girl is actually really cool and she’s into photography, too.  Me and her always find ourselves in pretty engaging conversations with each other because we have a few things in common.  This day, we went out to her van so she could show me her camera.  She uses film and I’m so fascinated by that…specially today with all the digital stuff….  She sucked down quite a few beers rather quickly and Nicky had to tell her, “Be careful, Betty!”  She left before I did and I thought I’d be spending the night with him again but he didn’t want me to come back after I took Jay home.  So, I went home with a good buzz to be by myself and that always usually makes me pretty upset.

I came home to an e-mail from Gina, who wanted me to call her so I could “make her feel better”…said she’s “nuts” about me and Nicky.  When I told him about the e-mail from her, he’d gotten really upset about it and was worried that I was gonna let her influence me away from him.  I was EXTREMELY surprised at the end of the conversation when he wanted me to come back to his house to spend the night with him.  When I walked in the door, he was on the phone with his favorite Auntie from his home state (the one he’s been telling me about since the holiday season…the one who would “love me so much.”)  I heard him saying to her on the phone, “Am I alone tonight?” and then, he held the phone to my mouth, “Tell her, baby.”  I just said, “No…he’s not alone…not tonight.” 

I ended up having this really great conversation with her.  She asked me “So, which nights are yours?”  to which I responded, “Oh, I dunno.  It varies from week to week.  I see him when he’s ready for me.  But, I usually don’t ever see him on the weekends, so I’m figuring he must’ve fallen out with his other woman.”  Nicky laughed at that.  She’s was telling me how my body is a precious thing and I shouldn’t just be giving it away.    She even went so far as to tell me I must have really low self-esteem, to think so highly of him!  I said, “You know, Nicky says the same thing!  That’s just so crazy to me – that he honestly seems to believe that someone would have to be really messed up to appreciate him the way I do.”  I said, “I don’t mean any disrespect but, you’re wrong.  You’re both wrong.  I don’t have low self-esteem and I know exactly what I’m doing.  I know exactly who Nicky is and I can’t help it.  He’s practically irresistible to me.”  She told me I was in big trouble, the way I was feeling about Nicky and I agreed with her.  “But, you know,” I said, “it’ll be okay.  We may have only come into each others’ lives for a season but that doesn’t diminish the blessings we can bring to each other before the season changes.”  She told me she loved me and asked me to make sure I took a sandwich over to her niece tomorrow (Nicky’s mom…she’s homebound after a stroke.)  Nicky talked to her some more (he’s clearly 100% fond of her.)  They were obviously talking about me, for part of the conversation…he was telling her, “No, we’re not gonna have sex tonight, Auntie.  We did that earlier today. Pause…..Why is she still here? … Cuz.  I wanna hold her.”  He told her how smart I am and that one of his favorite things about me is my skin tone.  He was sitting on the living room floor, by this  point, talking to her and I was getting really tired so I laid down with my head in his lap and dozed off while he finished his conversation with her.  I was still listening to their conversation and he confided in her about a lot of things…things I’m sure he wanted me to hear.  It was deep and touching and ALL of it made me feel so close to him!

After an entire week of working and being together; a week that ended with a pretty monumental set of events on the weekend, Sunday he went missing in action for a couple days!  It bothered me but not nearly as much as it usually does.  We just keep getting closer and closer, no matter what.  We’ve never really had a real “argument.”  I mean, not like couples usually argue.  We never stay “mad” at each other.

It’s a little confusing, sometimes.  Sometimes, I really wonder what I expect to come of our involvement with each other.  Sometimes, I get really afraid that I’m gonna wind up with a mutilated heart at the end of it all.  But, for now, I just want to love and appreciate all the gifts.

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
1 Response Apr 3, 2007