I Am Struggling

April 15, 2007

Nicky

You make me so MAD, I swear!!!!  Sometimes, I want to just choke you; poke your eyes out, somethin!!!  GAWD!!  But, it’s also kinda like when you **** me and you do it so hard it hurts, feels like you’re breakin me in half, sometimes, but it feels good, too…you know what I mean.  You make it hurt really good, Nicky.  Everything about you and the way you deal with me can be compared to the way you grab the hair on the back of my head real tight between your fingers and touch your lips real softly to the vulnerable skin of my face.  You smack me around, swing me out over cliffs…and watch me fall to the jagged rocks below, all with tears of regret in your eyes.  And, when I regain consciousness, you are right there beside me, holding me close to you and nursing my wounds in your clumsy, honest way.  I love never knowing what to expect from you.  I do.  I love the way it keeps me on my toes.  No one’s ever made me do that before.  I’ve given you my power and you know what the **** to do with it.  If that makes me “got,” then I’m got like a mother ******!!!  **** it.  Why should I try to lie or hide it?  I’m a lousy liar.

But, if there’s been any doubt up until this point, I know for sure now that eventually something’s gonna have to give.  No one has this much patience.  You’re ******* killing me.  I feel like I’m in competition with you, or something….like, I am bound and ******* determined to prove your ******* *** WRONG.  If I let you get too deep under my skin, you win.  I refuse to give in to you or give up on what I believe in.  and, you’re trying to make me.  you’re testing me…maybe you don’t even realize it but…I do.  And, I love tests, baby.  I love challenging myself; pushing myself to new levels; finding out what I’m capable of.  You’re a tough cookie, Nicky but, you can’t win.

Something’s gonna have to give, though.  You’re pushing me to my limits, I wonder if you realize that.  I feel like I will explode, soon.  I love you to death.

April 18, 2007

Nicky

While I’m sittin up here talking about all these beautiful, miraculous things, don’t get it twisted:  stumbling upon you doesn’t exactly leave me without disadvantages.  For one thing, right now is the very first time I’ve been a single, adult woman for any substantial length of time.  On top of that, my children aren’t little anymore.  They still need me and I will always be their mother but, their young adulthood frees up a lot of my time and energy.  I keep on thinking that there are “so many things I could accomplish” if I could use that extra energy on advancing my own life; working toward my own dreams.  But, here I am all wrapped up in you.  I’m wrapped up, Nicky and that really bothers me…can you tell?  That’s why I keep always ending up “whining.”  I’m sure you know and understand that.  For Pete’s sake!  How many women have loved you with all their heart?!?!  You know the routine like the back of your hand and, you ought to!  You’re the one that’s been running it for forever!  But, that’s part of what bothers me about being so caught up with you….because, no matter what the outcome, I need to know that I’m special to you.  I have a pretty unique way of loving.  It’s my “thing.”  It’s what I love to do.  I love love.  Anybody who knows me knows that’s true, too…they’ve felt the fearlessness of the love in my heart.  I don’t know how I got in this position with you.  I certainly wasn’t planning on or expecting it….not even a little bit.  Maybe you (and the world) think that I’m nothing more than a victim of your manipulation but, call it what you will or may – the bottom line for me is that I’m here, now.  Everything about my experience with you has been, virtually a surprise.  I have learned SO much about myself in the short period of time I’ve been dealing with you!  But, that’s me…I learn from everything I go through.  Still, what I’m learning from you is stuff I didn’t even know I needed to learn!!!  And, it’s really, really valuable stuff!!  I mean it when I say that you are gonna make me into a beautiful wife for somebody if you don’t decide to claim me!  I honestly mean that!  Do you have ANY ******* idea how important and powerful it is to me that anyone could have that kind of impact on my life?!?  You have no idea.  I don’t have a lot of respect for people, in general.  Everyone’s so hypocritical and (usually) lost in their own bullshit…what can anyone ever teach me?  Besides, I’ve always had to be in charge of every ******* thing and you know if you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself.  So, I don’t have time to put my life on the line by letting someone else do something.  I don’t know what you did to get my attention.  I don’t know how it’s even possible that I am actually experiencing what unconditional love is really all about.  I don’t know what the **** you did to make me pay attention to you but, you make so much ******* sense to me.  And, isn’t that unlikely?  But, **** it.  I don’t think things like that are supposed to make sense.  I think we should all be a lot more like water and learn to just flow with the ebbs and tides of life.  That’s how I try to live.  But, I know everyone doesn’t see things the way I do.  I know I’m a nut case and most people are too scared (or too smart) to ascribe to the things I believe in.  Believe me, I know.  I’ve been rejected my whole life.  I don’t fit in the world.  People can’t make sense of me.  So, they reject me….until they find themselves in need of love….or something.

April 21, 2007

I am so ******* frustrated, I SWEAR it feels like there are claws on the inside of my chest, incessantly raking against my ribs, demanding a way out.  I have the urge to rip my chest open and scream.  No scream could ever be loud enough.  No ocean of tears could cleanse the filth in my soul.  I’m so filled with pain and so disgusted with myself for ever letting it get this bad.  I’m PISSED at myself for getting in this SAME position, YET AGAIN, with a man who’s too afraid of me to love me.  WHAT is my problem???  It’s so ANNOYING!!!  I mean, why do I always fail?  Why does my passion always beat out my ability to reason?  I knew exactly what I was getting myself into with Nicky.  I KNEW that if I were to ever be in a position where I actually cared about what he does that I would be ******.  I knew it.  I did.  But, I honestly didn’t think it was possible for me to be “in that position” with him; I swear, I didn’t.  I’ve loved spending time with him.  In the beginning, it was just so comforting and I was unexplainably drawn to him.  But, I didn’t honestly believe I’d get this wrapped up.  I’m a complete mess.  And, it’s not like this is the first time I’ve ever created a mess like this for myself with a man.  Even when I first started really tripping over him, I didn’t honestly think it would get to this.  I AM A MESS.  I’m actually an honest mess.  I can’t think straight and I don’t feel okay when he’s not around….which is a ******* LOT.  I feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces.  I’m scared to death that something bad is gonna happen to him; that something already has.  I’m afraid that he’s just playing me; that he doesn’t really like me that much; that he’s just using me…I mean, what guy wouldn’t accept everything I’ve been offering to Nicky?  Who wouldn’t want a pretty little thing like me, whose ***** gets dripping wet without even being looked at or touched and never says “no”?; Some hot chick with brains that’s willing to clean up behind a man that is openly carrying on relationships with several women?

I’m not being completely honest, I’ve realized upon reading what I’ve written so far.  I DID know I could get caught up with him.  The truth is that I WANTED to get “caught up.”  The truth is that I moved forward with the willingness to deal with the hard parts of loving him.  And, now I want to sit up here and whine about it….now that it’s really getting deep.  Now I wanna act like a helpless victim.  I did know what I was getting myself into and I have CHOSEN it, every step of the way.  What an IDIOT I would be to get this far along and start wimping out.  I mean, damn.  I’m a grown woman and I do know what I’m doing.  I made my own bed and it’s apparently going to take great effort to lie in it with dignity and grace but, I’m sure I’ll figure it out.

It’s difficult discerning the parts of myself I should pay attention to, sometimes.  There’s my mind, which speaks rationally and tells me that 1 + 1 = 2.  There’s my heart, which reacts in some kind of nonverbal way to the equation.  And, there’s my spirit which knows that the equation exists, whether I know it does or not.

This experience I’m having is no different than any other experience I’ve ever had:  IT’S ALL ABOUT PERCEPTION.  That’s one of the biggest things I’m gaining.  I just happen to be experiencing a necessary aspect of the whole experience which is DEFINITELY NOT PLEASANT!!!  I need some type of outlet; some way to get some of the pain and frustration out…something that doesn’t involve gin or depending on some other person. Music’s not working….not listening to or making it.  I’m too antsy to sit still to write for very long.  It’s friggin GORGEOUS outside and I have no desire to be anywhere or do anything if it doesn’t involve Nicky!!!!  But, this will pass.  This, like everything else is a part of the passing parade and I know that.  It’s just particularly difficult to pass the time.

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
1 Response Apr 21, 2007

You have summed up this stop on your journey for all to read and I wanted to comment as I feel it passing by. It never gets old to me. Your truth, revealed in honest language, is captivating. Your graphic images of you in love are compelling, and for some reason gives the agony and frustration you relate real teeth to the reader. To me, the sense of passing time, slowly abrading the shine of a beautiful spring day is as palpable as 40 grit sandpaper, and I feel uneasy for you. I wish you could find relief in your emotional prison there.