9-6-06: I'm Walking On Thin Ice & I Know It

This guy is all the way wrong for me....I mean, technically speaking and according to all the "RULES."  Firstly, he's clearly got a drinking problem.  He rarely goes a day without.  I think he starts sometimes in the morning!  By being involved with him, I'm perpetuating the cycle in my own life, whether I drink, or not.  But, I usually do.  He wants me to...doesn't like drinking alone.  So, the alcoholism lugs a slew of baggage behind it.  I know that better than I've ever wanted to.  But, he's still a human being.  He's quite a beautiful one, too....actually.  I mean, does having a drinking problem make people less valuable of love?

He's never done ANYthing to harm me!  Although he may be a bad influence, he respects who I am.  He never judges me.  In fact, all he's EVER done is make me feel good.  And, we barely have sex.  He's older and, well....with the drinking....it just doesn't happen that much.  But his smile lights up an entire room!  He works his *** off all day long every day, helps TONS of down-and-outters along the way, comes home alone every night, cooks DELICIOUS food then passes out, usually.....only after he showers and turns his skin into something so soft and sweet-smelling, I just wish I could SWIM in it!  He runs at least 3 times a week, has recently lost a lot of weight and has been trying to watch what he eats (LOTS of salads...GOOD ones, too!!!)

He's lived a HARD life!  All the way around.  But, he takes care of so many people, he's like a small-town Godfather, or something!  He's SO emotionally ******-up.  He FILLS his days with doing for others, I think, so he can forget how alone he is....especially now because he recently lost someone he loves dearly and was very close to.  We've actually spent time in each others' arms, crying.  He SO reminds me of myself in so many ways...he's got SO much to give and doesn't know how.  He's EXTREMELY affectionate!  It's nothing for him to just walk up to me, out of the blue, and give me a sweet, little kiss on the cheek.  He's FUN to be around...even when he won't talk to me...cuz he does that, a lot....he'll want me to be around....just to...be around.  We'll spend HOURS at his house without saying more than 30 words to each other!  He does his thing and I do mine...which is usually watching him because I LOVE doing that!  He's so manly...really a man's man.  He clearly finds so much comfort in his systematic attention to little details.  He takes pride in everything he does.  I love the way he moves and goes about his tasks so intently.  It's really sexy to me.  And, he likes stuff rough...which is, like, SO soothing to my soul!!!  He's into that whole dominance thing...telling me what to do, how to do it...sexually, and otherwise...but, it's ALWAYS such a turn-on to me!  I'm never NOT wet when I'm around him!  I LOVE feeling like I don't have to be in charge of something!  I'm TIRED and worn the HELL out from all this man-soldiering I've been doing!  This scares me.  It's clearly (to me) sexual in nature so, even though we're not having a lot of sex, it always has some type of sexual significance cuz I'm ALWAYS turned on.

I don't know what to do but, I really like feeling good.  So...should I really be pressuring myself to just throw him away?

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
Dec 14, 2006