9-8-06: WTF???

I wish I could post a picture of myself on this site....cuz...I really am a beaufitul woman...I mean...physically beautiful.  And, I seem to be more "beautiful" with each passing day.....my eyes have never been a deeper green...my figure is looking so swell...my hair so dark and long and shiny.  But, that doesn't matter.  No one loves me.  No man, anyway.  For forever, men tell my my ***** is "scary."  So, I can't "make" men want me with my *****....they're scared of it.  Men have often said they're intimidated by me....cuz I'm so beautiful and intielligent...so "cool," and "well-rounded."  But, i'm not buying it anynmore.  Why am I alone, then?  I mean, i realize there's meaning and purpoase behing my being single right now (for the passed year and 3 months) but, I just don't understand why no one ever loved me enough to hole onto me.  i'm a good girl....at least, i think i am...i think i'm a good woman.  but, i must be alone in my opinion because everyone keeps leaving me.  There's too many words to say.  I'm alone.  That's all there is to it.  And, everyone has led me to believe that I'm ALONE because of my own doing.  makes me want to hurt myself to spite them all.....OH?!?  So, I'm not good enough for any of you *******???????????????  I bet I'll be good enough for you NOW!!!!  Watch me die, *******!!!!!  Look at my "beautiful," lifeless, cold and hard body frozen in a casket MOTHER *******!!!!!  THen, you'll love me, I bet!!!!  I bet you will!!  I bet that's the ONLY time any of you DUMB ***** will ever take the time to consider my worth....the VALUE of ME in your lives!!

I'm NOT going to die....until it's time for me to die, anyway....but it's NOT going to be by my own hand.  I have sworn that to myself and on my childrens' lives.  I will never harm myself like that again.   But............................I can't lie........i'm feeling a little desperate.

I just got blown off by my "new bootie call," my Darling Nickky.  I was feeling like I needed to throw him away and SURPRISE, SURPRISE!!!  HE's throwing me away.  I'm not good enough even for the lush of the century.  I guess I should just tell everyone to **** OFF and bury myself under my bed clothes until I feel like I can face the world again. The sunshine and blue skies are cruel to me.

on top of my new bootie call throwing me away, my "friend with benefits" said "good-bye" to me in an extremely painful and humiliating way tonight.  i almost literaly pulled my hair out of my head.  how much more beautiful and worthwhilte can I BE?????????????????????????????????????????/  I'm never good enough for anyone, including my kids.  everyone thinks so litle of me. 

and, how PITIFUL that, this is where i am at 2 o'clock in the ******* morning!  you people don't give a **** about me.

but, please send me love, even if you really don't care.....fake it.  GOD, I need real love.  I think I'm dying.

I'm gonna suck on this weed pipe until i feel like passing out.  i just wanna die.  i really wanna die.

but, i won't....i promise.  i've already beat death once.  i'm a master.   just this night...this hour..minute....i'll make it through every one.

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
Dec 14, 2006