10-30-06: Why Can't People Ever Like Each Other At The Same Time???

October 29, 2006


I turn to this writing stuff when there’s nothing else that works…it’s a desperate act, sometimes.  I’m so ******* tired of being rejected and, I don’t understand it one bit.  Yesterday, I called “Nicky” and told him that I needed him…just to sit here with me and watch football.  (And, I can’t stand football.  But, I’m so ******* lonely for human companionship, interaction…some kind of connection.  I would have been happy just to have him sitting on the couch with me.  He’d said at the beginning of all this that he was looking for companionship.  He seems too dysfunctional to ever even leave his house.  He certainly hasn’t been over here in a LONG time.)  He never came (not that I believed, for one second, that he would.  But, I really, really hoped I’d be “blessed” with his presence.)  Last night, I called to ask him for some money.  He gave me $7.  He “wasn’t feeling well.”  This morning, I called again to ask him if he was busy.  “Yes.  I’ll call you later.”  I just said bye and hung up.  The entire “conversation” lasted 32 seconds.  I called him again this afternoon and pleaded with him to just tell me to stop calling him.  It’s like I can’t stop as long as I believe he wants me to call.  I’m not good at “getting the message,” or “reading between the lines.”  But, I’m not calling him anymore.  He yelled at me today, (For the record, I do NOT see him everyday.. maybe once or twice a week and, it’s always the same…at his house….  And, we rarely have decent conversations.  I mean, occasionally, they occur.  But, mostly, if we talk, it’s only for a couple of seconds and then it’s only for him to tell me he’ll call me back…which, he never does.  He’s always been this way.  I just have always figured that’s the way he was.  When he wants to see me, he calls…but not until then.  I NEVER can call him up and receive anything UPON MY REQUEST.)  “What are you talking about, “Abby”?  Why do I have to go through this **** with you every couple of days?  I talk to you everyday.  I see you everyday.  What don’t you understand?  I told you:  I have to go.”  Yeah.  That’s the last time I’ll allow him to humiliate me like that.  It’s embarrassing to me that it’s not the first time someone has responded to me like that.  I don’t know why people have to be so turned off of someone showing them attention.  No one ever wants my love…for longer than a moment.  I’m everyone’s “moment-girl.”  And, everyone always makes it seem like I’m some type of crazy-stalker-*****.  I’m not. But, I’m REALLY starting to get a complex.


I don’t know how to do things differently.  I don’t know how to do anything but be me.  It seems I’m constantly being told (in one way or another) that there’s something wrong with me.  Everyone wants to pass me off for someone else to “deal” with.  Why is it so difficult for people to just love and appreciate me?  Am I unlovable?


I don’t have any weed.  I don’t know how I’ll ever get any sleep tonight.  I need a REAL friend so badly.  I hate to allow myself to need people.  They rarely come through.  People seem to be completely devoid of genuine compassion.  Or I don’t believe in anyone anymore.  I still feel empty and full of frustration and conflict and unbearable pain, all at the same time.  Gin doesn’t work…or cigarettes…weed, either.  Nothing masks the pain anymore.  All I need is love.  Seriously…..real, unconditional, invested love.  If someone couldn’t give me love, it’d be really healing if I could give love.  I guess my love is no good, either.  Even ******* “Silk” won’t respond to me now.


Makes me want to crawl under some covers and never come out….or find a cave to cower in.  I mean, **** it….if I have to be alone, I’d rather be ALL the way alone…then the isolation would be justified and make more sense.

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
Dec 14, 2006