11-18-06: It's A Fine Line...

.....and one that is SO difficult to discern...the one between a "bootie call" and "something more."  Relationships are so friggin complicated.  I don't imagine that I'm actually READY to make a life-long committment to anyone right at this moment....(I haven't found anyone I'd honestly want to fulfill that position in my life.)  And, I don't really feel "honed-enough" to enter into serious, invested involvement (with anyone, whether I was in love with them, or not.)  So, as a consenting adult (fast-approaching 40) and single for the first time since I was 15, I made this grown-up "arrangement" with a man (age 42):  to be my "bootie-call-dude."  It's a mutual thing....we have an understanding.  That's the whole foundation of a bootie call....the whole UNDERSTANDING...but, the thing about that damn understanding is that no one ever seems to say out loud what it really is.  The bottom line, I guess, is that you're just supposed to hook up when you wanna have sex.  No pressure.  No questions.  No strings.  Just an "understanding" that you will have luscious sex on the down-low.

This arrangement seems so sane and responsible to me (in theory) that I've actually considered coming up with a "bootie-call-application!"  Wouldn't it be SO great if people could just enter into a mutually beneficial agreement....like a business deal?  If everyone lived up to their end of the bargain, it'd be perfect! I mean....you keep your stuff, I'll keep mine....we won't hurt each other because we already know walking into the whole deal what to expect so we won't have false expectations of each other....we'll just be easy.... and vibe with one another...

HA!  It doesn't work.  In fact,  I'm nearly convinced that it can't work!  I mean....I'm learning SO much about myself....as a person, as a sexual being and as a woman.  I was an innocent girl, growing up into my early to mid-twenties. I've always believed sex to be a special, intimate, neccessary, spiritual and divine form of communication.  But, I've committed WELL worth my share of promiscuous acts!!! For a number of reasons, I just don't think I ever really valued my own sex.  People (male and female, alike...whom I've been sexually "intimate" with) always have something to say about how good my p***y is.  Always.  Maybe it's given me somewhat of a complex.  My second husband LOVED it...but, he used to always tell me that it was only good because of me....because it was me he was feeling when we had sex with each other.  I'm not sure if I ever fully believed him.  But, the point is that I'm learning NOW just how MUCH truth there is in it!!!  It's SO true!!  It's that way with all the people I've had sex with.  It's always MORE than an exceptional experience for them....and they say crazy things, like:  "Your p***y is dangerous!" or "That **** should be dipped in gold" and "You must have magic DUST in that thing!"  It became a huge ego trip for me.  And, I somehow lost the value....or, it got tinged.   But, I believe it's special.  It IS me that I'm giving away to someone...it's not about p***y at ALL.  It's always been about ME.  So, why should I continue to sell myself short???  Why should I give myself away...my SELF...to ANYone besides someone I deeply trust and respect?  There's (little to) none of that with a BOOTIE-CALL!!!

Still....I believe there's purpose and meaning  in every single experience I have.

I have a story to tell about Nicky...what a story it is becoming!  He started out as good company.  We found out we could have a butt-load of fun together....that we like tons of the same **** (like playing basketball in the rain, wrestling in the swimming pool, sitting & truly fellowshipping by a campfire in the beautiful summer air, riding around on the back of a golf cart....)  I never intended to have sex with him.  But, after about a month, the opportunity presented itself and...I went with it.  One thing led to another and now I'm in this crazy situation.  I thought we were going down the bootie-call trail but, now it's all confusing.

(Or, maybe it's really simple and I'm just a freakin GIMP when it comes to any type of relationship with a man!  Hhhmmmm....now THAT would explain why I'm still single....)

Anyway, I appear to be extremely confused about the entire situation at this point (now, four months into the thing.)  I will post the story as I can....I could write a friggin BOOK about it....I'm def. planning to put it in the book I'm working on....  I would love to hear everyone's comments as I begin to tell the story....CHECK BACK!

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
Dec 14, 2006