Nicky Has Quit Me

I've been trippin...for a couple weeks.  Things have been getting to me and I've taken it to him for comfort and reassurance.  He has been amazingly receptive and responsive.  He has been incredibly loving and affectionate with me.  But, I haven't been able to let go of my fear.  I think I pushed him to this but I have no way of knowing.  At any rate, last night he ended our involvment with each other, over the phone.  I barely slept last night.  I was drinking gin.  I called his Auntie from his home state...the one he's been telling me about for forever...his favorite aunt...the one who has "groomed" him...the one he just knew would love me....he gave me her phone number, himself, just a couple weeks ago.  and, then he said, "I can't believe it, Abby.  She loves you already.  I'm jealous.  I'm gonna have to try and keep you two away from each other."  anyway, i called her in my gin-soaked pain right after the conversation with him.  she told me everything i needed to hear and i'm grateful to her for that.  i never have anyone to talk to.  I've been awake since 5 a.m. and the only thing that has gotten me through the day is writing constantly in my journal.  I'm just gonna type everything i've been writing all day::: 5:45 a.m. ....alone again...or, still.  Either way, I've been left.  "We need to quit whatever it is we've been doing," his words jabbed into my soul.  My response:  "Thank you, baby.  That's all I needed to hear."  The whole conversation lasted, maybe, two minutes.  Right now, it's taking everything I've got just to keep telling myself that I’ll be okay, even though I’m not sure I believe it. Deep down, I know it’s true but I am scared out of my ******* mind. I have absolutely NO support system and no one to confide in. I’m afraid of what I’ve become already and what this whole experience could make me become. I’m terrified of being alone for the rest of my life; afraid of the utter blandness of living without the taste of Nicky in my mouth. He’s become so much to me, in such a short amount of time and now I’m afraid that there really is something wrong with me, for real. One of the best things about being with him is that I could be ****** up and he still “loved” me. But, now I’m afraid that I’ve made every single bit of it up…like he’s just been going along with me for the **** of it. He’s quit me. “Whatever it is we’ve been doing” is done. He doesn’t want me and I hate knowing that. It feels awful. I can’t keep a man. I’ve never been “good enough” for any of them or I’ve never made “good enough” choices and, at almost 40, I’m afraid I never will be able to choose the right man. It’s always been a bunch of BULLshit, this whole “You’re too good to be true” story. How could I be so stupid? I mean, at least I have finally started to realize how little sense it’s made but, I’ve never really considered that it’s always been just their way of trying to “be nice” and let me down easy. “Too good to be true….” What the **** ever! The fact is that I’m too ****** up even for one of the most “****** up” people I’ve even known! Even Nicky doesn’t want me. So, as hard as I’m trying not to fall into the pit of such a disparaging reality, that’s ‘what’s threatening to suck the life right out of me. …alone again…for real this time. All of the men that I have loved with all of my heart have new loves. It’s been no problem at all form them to move on in their lives without me….my own father included!! How can that NOT affect a person’s self-image?? Despite my pure intentions to love them what I actually did is run every last one of them away…with my “convictions,” and “philosophies,” the ******* FANTASY LAND I live in, INSIDE OF MY OWN HEAD. Is that really “faith,” or is it ******* insanity? I have no one to turn to, but God and I’m not sure I honestly know hot to do that anymore, if I ever did.   I am a mess. Although I know I will come back from thi – wait. The FACT is that I know I CAN “come back from this,” but I’m honestly not sure I will. I certainly can’t see, at this point, how it could even happen. Right now, I cannot see a way out of this HORRID position. But, from experience, I know it will pass. What really kills me is connecting the “me,” now allll the way back to the “15-year-old-me” who sat in that room right around the corner…feeling the EXACT same way…like I would lose the ability to breathe without that man. Is that love? Co-dependency? Damaged goods. Maybe I never really had a chance to be good. Maybe this is the life I truly was “destined” to live. What if I’ve already seen the best that it will ever get for me? Well, that’s what really scaring the **** out of me. I’m not the same person. I don’t have the same ambition or passion for life that used to be so huge in me. and, it’s been this way for a while…years, in fact. I’ve been trapped by motionlessness and have been unable to find the mindset, resolve or energy to break free, even though I am rational enough to know it is a self-imposed prison. Maybe I stopped trying. It feels like I have; like I’ve already “given up,” in many ways…like I just don’t have the energy anymore to face life…at least I have my own home, my own space that smells like me and is completely familiar. Thank God I have this couch, this pillow, these blankets! There is some comfort and security in this space. But, it’s virtually all I have. I’m not paying my phone bill with the money he gave me yesterday. I’m letting it get turned off. I have to. It’s the only way I can stop looking for him to call. He doesn’t want me. God, I don’t want that to be true. Surprisingly, my first feeling when I woke up this morning, at 5 a.m. was a very peaceful one. I felt like everything was okay, even with Nicky. I felt like I did until last night…like he really does love and need me, like he’s always said he does. But, then I started thinking…and reality set in…and I realized the enormity of everything I have yet to face and it scared the **** out of me!! It’s difficult for me to watch the news cuz I know wherever he is, he’s watching it too, if he’s awake and I’ve loved watching it with him…. ….morningtime (early morning) has always been my favorite time with him…I’m getting butterflies every time I look at the time and know it’s all over. 6:47…and I will not get a phone call from him (at 7:30, right after I drop my daughter off at school) apologizing for “falling asleep last night,” or telling me what clothes to put on for work, or that he wants to “talk about my doggie-style….” Or that he misses me….Nothing. He has absolutely nothing to say to me and I don’t’ want to believe that. A part of me actually doesn’t believe it. A part of me is actually EXPECTING him to wind up somehow on my doorstep!!! ******* crazy *****!! Well! Isn’t that what I sound like??? Cuz, I swear, a part of me is honestly expecting him to show up and act like none of this has happened. But, even if that were a true possibility and not just the delusions of a mad woman, even if he were to “show up,” there still is no way out of this reality. He might “show up” drunk or when he gets bored with his other *******. He might “show up,” when he needs a dose of my special Abby-love. But that wouldn’t mean that he’d had a change of heart. He doesn’t want me and he’s been trying to make me “go away” the whole time. How can I ever get over what an IDIOT I’ve been?!?!? His “love” has been so soothing and healing to my soul. I have grown to cling to it, as if it were manna from heaven…the way he has loved me. If I stop clinging to him like a child, will I fall into a pit? To jagged rocks? Into an ocean that cracks my knees and shins as my tiny, little dancer-feet break its surface? Who will hold me? He really doesn’t want me. I want to sleep until tomorrow. Constant butterflies…. Why is it always so hard for anyone to love me?? So, now I’m trying to figure out what I did wrong. He kept me in bed with him for almost 48 straight hours last week, while he tried to “detox” himself a little. The following weekend, he mentioned (a few times) that he wasn’t feeling well and was thinking about going to the doctor. He got upset with me for drinking….cuz I’ve been drinking a lot and calling his phones 80 zillion times. He sat right here on my couch this past Monday and told me I had to do what I had to do and only I know what that is. He let me know he didn’t want me to give up on him, though….told me to be patient because, “you’re gonna get everything you deserve, don’t worry.” He came here and spent the night with me and I took it as him, sort of making a down payment on the **** he’d said earlier in the day. I was proud of the “effort” he appeared to be making but, while he was here, it felt all the way weird. I figured that was becaue the ONLY way I’ve ever known him is in his domain; his castle. I figured maybe I was picking up on his feelings of awkwardness. He wanted me in his bed almost as soon as I dropped my daughter off. Not only did he **** me twice but he was VERY loving and affectionate with me…staring at me and telling me how beautiful I am…looking deep into my eyes, caressing my face and mouth…kissing me and telling me how much he loved me. something felt really wrong when he finally forced himself out of bed and started getting ready to leave that morning. He seemed sad…real reluctant to leave for some reason.  I knew he was giving me so much at one time because he was trying to tide me over for an extended spell without him. He seemed to feel so guilty about something and I was really sensitive to it but I always am sensitive to him and he feels guilty a lot so, I figured it was all just standard Nicky-stuff. When I saw him the following Thursday, that same sadness and guilt was all over him. His eyes didn’t sparkle. His shoulders seemed heavy. And, when I looked at the pictures we took, I saw his beautiful smile in some of them and started swooning over it, like I always do. But, something about the photos was unsettling to me. I kept flipping through them, trying to figure out what wasn’t right and then i saw it and my heart sunk to my knees! He wasn’t smiling in his pictures with me. he looked worried, bothered, annoyed…like I was some kind of pest…and I am blissful in each of them….VISIBLY enraptured by him; thrilled to be near him. The contrast between our faces in those photos became so stark and I really started feeling like I should be concerned that something wasn’t right. I guess I was right but I still don’t know what really happened or, I didn’t know until I saw his truck over at that girl’s house…the one he never talks to me about. He wanted me to see him there. He’s landed over there. For now, he’s settled on trying to sit still with her…that much is clear. At least, it’s clear that’s what he wants me to believe. I will not let myself forget that he doesn’t want me. In an unexplainable way, I have relished the wounds he has always inflicted upon me. I’ve been sexually stiumulated by the physical inflictions and (deeply) emotionally stimulated by his chaos. I have relished the unspoken understanding between us, the silent way that we communicate with each other…silent pain and chaos and aggression. He has been such a tremendous release for me. I honestly feel addicted to him and to it…like a drug… He has accept my pain…held my gutts as they spilled out of my abdomen and helped me to push them back…and patch up the skin to hold them in. he has embraced my pain. Sometimes, I feel like a tiny cild he has cradled in his arms…he has allowed me to express my pain…albeit it a usually awkward and clumsy expression. No one has ever done that for me like that. Nicky knows my pain. He has the same pain. I have felt it. He has made me feel it and I have loved it. He’s wanted me to fight him; has felt inspired by and afraid of my intuitive understanding of him. Still, the fact is that he doesn’t want me. No matter what I want to belive, no matter what the future may or may not hold, the FACT is that I have to listen to him now. even on the off chance that he really does still want me, right now, it’s clear that he needs to cut ties with me. it is crystal clear that he doesn’t want to hear from me. and, I know I can’t allow myself to handle it the way I did last time, after New Year’s. if there is any hope, I’ll surely shatter it if I don’t give him the space he has def. communicated to me he needs. God I with there was a way out of this. But, I have to let go. He’s made the choice for me so I wouldn’t have to. I asked him to help me and he has. That’s my Nicky and I ******* love him to death. I thought he would reassure me, like he has been. I feel like I have asked for too much. I have loved him too much, said “yes” too much. Every ******* thing I’ve done has been “too much.” Why do people always automatically think it’s fake if it’s “too much?” Maybe it is fake. I am hurting so badly. I still haven’t been back to sleep and it’s 2:30. I can’t stop checking my phone and am really looking forward to it being off. I am still holding on, hoping that not hearing a PEEP out of me for the first time will make some kind of change; maybe he really needs to know what missing me really feels like. Maybe, just maybe, his pride will be by-passed and he will be forced to overcome his fear. Maybe, just maybe, I really am different. He confided in his favorite auntie that I have “more sense than any woman he’s ever dealth with.” He’s told me that he thought his Auntie would love me and find that I am a woman would could “handle him.” He’s admitted to being afraid…says that I “scare” him and that he “can’t handle me.” If he doesn’t come to see about me before my phone gets turned back on in ten days, then I will put my hope to rest. Then I will be convinced that I need to give up. I don’t honestly believe that he won’t come. I FEEL like he will. But, what if I’m wrong? I must prepare myself NOT to be devastated.  
MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
1 Response Apr 23, 2007

Eventually, I suppose exhaustion will set in and an entirely new paradigm might develop, but you are in a really ****** place now. Your clarity about the emotions and interdependence involved shines a pretty harsh light on the situation, but for sure, any delusions you may suffer from are minor deviations from possibilities. Please keep writing, even if it is repetitive or fails to make sense at the time, although I can't imagine you not making sense about even the most abstract concepts. In your immobility, the lack of inertia and the just "sitting still" that you are doing, I hope that something that may have appeared ordinary and mundane may become something interesting to focus upon. What that might be, I have not a single clue, but even wild animals, in the height of fear and panic, will stand stockstill and allow a maelstrom to overtake them, hopefully in the chance that an escape may appear out of the stillness and calm they have created by ceasing to react. This is grasping at shadows, I know, but it seems like a logical thing to me. Sorry if it appears frivolous or flippant, it isn't meant to be.