11-25-06: I Just Got Seriously Played!! And, On Thanksgiving!

how friggin depressing.  no.  wait.  it's more than depressing.  It's so freakin painful, I fear I am not yet ready to share the story.....I can't talk about it (and, that's a strange thing for me...I talk about EVERYthing!!!)  i'm so friggin humiliated and embarrassed!!!!!

i guess my wonderful nicky-bootie-call-master-man decided, ONCE AND FOR ALL that he would rather not be involved with me at all.  In fact, he even went so far as to tell me over the phone that he didn't want to even "hear the sound of my voice."  He was very brutal and final and the whole situation was SO SUDDEN!!  I was completely blindsided;  ill-equipped to deal with what i was being presented with.  At first, it took me a long time to actually process exactly what was going on (it didn't help that I'd been drinking.  I most mad at myself for the drinking thing.  cuz, I tend to believe I may have handled the situation differently if I was straight.)

Oh my gosh.  This is crazy.  I can't even write about it!!!  I just can't even beLIEVE that I'm almost 40 years old and creating THIS type of ****** up situation for myself!!!  I haven't been through anything even remotely like this since I was, like, 16 years old!

We were on our way on a trip..out of state.  All week, everyday, that's all he could talk about....this trip we were making together....all the people in his family I was going to meet and who would love me, who I would love.  He talked about how he thought we might "bond" on this trip (more than ten hours of driving, each way.)  He even went so far as to say I might come back as his wife!  I mean...not that I actually believed he meant that but, it's not the first time he's mentioned seeing me as his wife...you never know.....a few years from now....anyway, the point is, for the passed few weeks, we've been spending a TON of time together.....eating, sleeping, WORKING, laughing, playing, wrestling...together....he didn't want me to leave him most days...started referring to me as "hisbaby..." to me and the people around us.  Throughout the course of our involvement with each other, he's taken me to meet and spend time with his mother and his father, made it known to the people around him that I was "off-limits."  I've been cleaning his house, know where his spare key is kept.....walk around his house butt-naked and like HIS bath tub more than my own!  He's a grown man, has all his own stuff, is basically, self-employed (I've been working for/with him.)  He handles his business like he answers to no one.  I've been having sex with him for over four months.  I never saw a single sign that he had a girlfriend.  Never.  Not once.  I never asked any questions about what he did or who he did it with.  It was really none of my concern.  I knew he wasn't being monogomous with me and I didn't need to know anything else.  (BIG mistake!!)  I just figured, "We've just started dating or hanging out, or whatever.  We're not married.  What he does is his business and vice versa."  We JUST had a conversation about this very subject.

I feel like SUCH an IDIOT!!!  We were supposed to leave after Thanksgiving dinner.  I'm still at home.  I think he's gone without me....  I feel so traumatized and humiliated....I just can't finish the story.  I get butterflies everytime I think about what happened after my kids dropped me off at his house so we could get some rest together then start driving during the night.  I can't put it in black and white.  I need to get further away from it.  The wound that has been inflicted upon me is just too fresh....talking about it would be like pouring salt in it.  I want to just pretend it never happened.  Writing about it would seal it forever into reality.  I'm not ready to accept that yet.  But, this place has become my therapy....so I forced myseld here to try and start dealing with it.  What I went through Thanksgiving night was one of the most bizarre, embarassing, awkward, UNcomfortable, gutt-wrenching, pride-shattering experiences I've ever had in my entire LIFE and I don't understand, fully, exactly what happened.

I made an entry recently about my "Nicky Story" and how I wanted to write about it...here....but, it seems the story has ended before it ever even really begun.

I feel like a complete JACK ***!

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
Dec 14, 2006