11-29-06: My Response To Thanksgiving's Humliation

Just me writing this letter to him was something seriously "out-of-pocket" to do.  We come from two different worlds.  He doesn't want to deal with ****; I can't seem to STOP confronting every single thing.  I didn't expect him to read it.  I didn't expect him to care about it.  But, I wrote it anyway.  For myself...so I could maintain my own sense of integrity by being true to myself.  (These types of "exercises" are so empowering for me....following my own gutt instinct even when the whole world seems to disagree or have advice.)




ANYhow, this is the letter I wrote to him:




Nicky- I'd like to believe you'll actually read this letter.  BUt, I'm mostly writing it for myself so it doesn't really matter.  Through all the BULLshit life has taken me through, I've managed to maintain my sense of integrity by dealing with things on my own terms and by always being true to myself.  you're always telling me how SMART I am...and I have had my eyes wide open, dealing with you.  I've known how complicated and tormented you are....how unusually difficult it must be for ANYone to ever truly know or love you.  I've chosen to deal with "Nicky-sh**" because I have found "Nicky" to be extremely worthwhile.  BUt, the **** you sprung on me the other nite left me completely defenseless; disarmed.  I felt SO stupid and SO vulnerable and SO ill-prepared because that **** DID come out of nowhere!  I was SO excited to be going on that trip with you!!  I had NO idea I was about to be completely ignored and humiliated.  I thought we'd talk about it so, at least, I'd have some clarification about what the **** just happened.  I wanted an opportunity to respond to the whole thing with dignity but, you've taken that oppourtunity away from me.  I don't know WHY you think you have to treat me like some kind of stranger but, it's a little too late for that... (I've already been butt-naked, in your kitchen!!)  I more than deserve an opportunity to respond to THIS ****, even if you don't care to give me one.




So, i'm writing a letter.




All along, I've seen and treated you, as a person.  And, all along, you've tried you hardest to convince me you're some type of monster.  I'm not gonna lie:  some of the **** you say and do is "ominous" as ****!  I don't know WHERE I got this ludacris notion that all this "craziness" is just the way you keep people away from you but, that IS what I've come to believe.  And, it reminds me SO much myself!!!  I know there's a lot of ME and I can be difficult to love, for that reason.  So, I feed myself to everyone ON FULL BLAST...like, "This is me, *****!  Are you strong enough to handle it?!?"  Instinctively, i've felt that the only way anyone could ever truly know or love you is if they could ACCEPT you....EXACTLY as you are, in all of your gin-soaked chaos and aggression.  And, I feel you!  I understand the need for that level of acceptance.  So, all this time, I've tried to god-damn hard to be such a TROOPER; I've been ditermined to weather all your storms because I've honestly believed that you are worth it.  It seriously blows my mind how good you have already been for me, AND despite all the **** I'm constantly have to duck behind to be near you???  That leads me to believe that I could continue to benefit from knowing/"dealing" with you.  Even though you've told me to "stay away," you've never been able to convince me that you really meant it and, i've light-weight belived you were secretly hoping I'd be strong enough to make it through all the "facets of you" and still find you acceptable at the end of it all.  Well, let the record show:  There is nothing you can do to change the way I see you!!!




But, come ON, baby!  Everyone has their limits and I see NO point in "weathering your storms" if you TRULY don't want me around.  And, I honestly don't need to deal with anyone else's man either, cuz I can GET one of my own!  I can deal with not having any of my own "claims" on you.  I'm grown-up enough to understand and accept that a man like you may never be 'tied down" to one woman.  However, I DO object to spreading my legs for someone that I can't "claim" but, someone else IS claiming???  That just doesn't work for me.  I have too much self-respect and, honestly, I thought you understood and appreciated that about me.  I had NO idea you would EVER subject me to that type of degradation!!  It doesn't change the way I see you but, it does make me feel like I should be more cautious! That's why I couldn't get on the highway with you...how VULNERABLE I was feeling??  I couldn't risk being that far from home and finding myself in some OTHER ****** up situation because you're so hell-bent on proving how ******* OMINOUS you are.




But, listen...I don't know everything.  Maybe I've just made all this **** up in my head.  One thing's for sure:  I may be tough but, I'm NOT soul-less.  I can continue to fight you but, sooner or later, you're gonna have to GET it...I can't imagine having to wear this kind of armor indefinitely....and, if you've honestly never wanted me from jump, it will never matter how "tough" I am.  I'm not interested in convincing you to want me.  I'll put in work for your trust, but it can't be one-sided (you know...the whole "you-can-lead-a-horse-to-water-but-you-can't-make-him-drink-it" thing.)




In closing, I'd like to make an important point (just in case it's something you don't realize):  Loving someone unconditionally does NOT mean that you don't love yourself....just because I have that kind of love for you , it doesn't mean I don't value my own life & well-being.....the "self-preservation law" only works if it's used to protect/perpetuate life, itself.  We CAN'T "protect" ourselves from something we NEED to survive......NO ONE can survive without love, Nicky.  (That MAY have something to do with why you always feel like you're dying.  It seems you consider yourself so much better off all shut-off from mankind.)




......if that's where you really want to be.....




As rough as I may be around the edges, I know when it's time to be a lady and, a lady always knows when to leave.  So, when someone starts hollerin' "You ain't wanted, girl!" that's about the time a true lady gets to steppin.




xo




I put it in his mailbox and called to tell him.  It'll probably take weeks before we actually have a conversation about it.  We kind of talked about it, a little.  He asked me what he ever did to me to make me be so nice to him.  He talked about how difficult it is for him to trust anyone (hmph!  like, he's the only one!!!)  He asked me what I needed him to do.  I told him to just keep being whoever the hell he is.  "Are you sure?" he asked, to which I replied, "Well, yeah.  But, I'm not trying to get my SKIN peeled off!  I mean, sooner or later that self-preservation law is gonna have to take effect for me, too!"




I don't know what's gonna happen....

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
Dec 14, 2006