11-19-06: My Mind Is Sometimes A Prison I Don't Want To Escape

November 19, 2006

 

I’m remembering warmth; the familiar comfort of so many moments…and people. Sometimes, it seems every person important in my life; every person whose played a major role, is just one person, really…connected by a constant, steady string of one-ness. It’s weird. Sometimes, I think I really am crazy…the way I see things. I live inside my head.

 

“…..A few of my favorite things……” and Nicky on a cold, November night….the smell of evergreen, mud and Christmas memories in the air……icy mist swirling about, all his man-strength glittering upon him in the yellow glow of street-lamp-light. It was like home. Just sitting there watching him from the car with this song, this music, playing….it was like….like the smell of cookies baking in the oven and crisp, clean sheets in the summertime…..but, mostly it was like a glowing hearth, with a giant window separating me from a winter storm…..the white fluffs in full view, swirling about the muted landscape…. That’s so much of what he’s like for me. I love being in his cave with him. Watching him power-wash that driveway, for me, was like SO much of my interaction with him: for me, it’s like we’re communicating somehow…without words….like there’s some sort of unspoken understanding between us….just knowing that each other knows the other is there. I like that he has so much to say about what I do and how I do it (when I’m with him.) It makes me feel cocooned; protected under his watchful, loving eye. It reminds me of my involvement with “Sparky” but, it feels so much more comfortable. The more “time” I spend with him, the more comfortable I feel and that surprises and scares me a little. I mean, I really think I could totally be myself with him and he would appreciate it. He told me yesterday that the thing he loves the most about me is how smart I am. He told me (after working together almost all week), real seriously, like he was saying something extremely profound; like it was something he had given considerable thought to before speaking on it: “I like your work.” After the past week, I’m picturing myself in this life with him and…that scares me. But, as crazy as it seems to the world, TO ME, it seems like he and I fit…in some kind of weird, unexpected way…..we fit. And, it’s NOT perfect….we’re both so damn ****** up…..but, that’s part of what makes it so good…so…. “fitting…” cuz we both KNOW we’re ****** up. But, we both really are good people….and, somehow, I believe that, if we got on the same page and were in total agreement with how we were gonna do things, we’d be able to get the job done! (I must have gotten that from how well of a team we seemed to make all week, working…saving time….making money. For me, it’s this touching, romantic life-experience…for him, it’s just work, though.)

 

But….ah…..I digress….and before I get on a days-long tangent (thank goodness!) The bottom line is that all this is IN MY OWN HEAD. It’s all stuff I’ve “intuited;” stuff I’ve experienced on a spiritual, intuitive level…so that makes it “not-real.” At least in everyone ELSE’S reality: It’s all just a freakin illusion.

 

For nearly a full day, I’ve imagined this life I want to live with him…in this house…this one, particular house that he showed me yesterday….I don’t know where it came from but, I suddenly REALLY want that house to be OUR house. And, for some stupid, ******-up, crazy, Abby-reason, I actually, honestly believe that it could be possible….maybe even probable! WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME??? Well, Nicky does drop a lot of bull-**** little bombs….like what he said yesterday (I said, when we left THE house, “That’s the kind of house my son has always said he was gonna buy me.” Nicky said, “Oh. I’m gonna buy you one of those houses…..Just sit tight….sit tight.” Plus, he really wanted to show me the upstairs of the house…and, one room in particular he said was his favorite… “Wouldn’t it be cool to just sit and chill in this room?” like he’d actually given some thought to it…maybe even pictured himself doing it. And, he told me how much they were asking for it (like, $700,000, or something like that) and said they were having a hard time selling it….that, for some reason, “No one wanted to bite.” So, it’s not like I came up with the idea entirely on my own and of COURSE, he doesn’t really MEAN that ****! But, I want him to so bad that I just ran with it. That’s all. That’s how it happens. I see it now….I fear that’s how it may always happen in my relationships with men…..that I’m forever living in my own head…

 

But, sometimes, it’s the only way I can make it through my days. Some times – most times, I actually believe in all that stuff. I actually believe that my faith alone can keep things alive…keep love alive. But, no one ever agrees with me…not wholeheartedly….everyone always fights it…the truth in two people being totally in agreement….on the same page……gathered in “His” name….it’s powerful and miraculous, the things two people can accomplish, together.

 

To the world, I sound like a walking self-help, inspirational, psycho-babble-BULLshit book. I can see the looks move quickly over their faces….how they entertain the ideas popping out of my heart and mouth….how they imagine, for the briefest of moments that there really could be something as beautiful and transforming as what I describe. But, it’s always fleeting….always…so…quick. And, again….it’s all in my head. I imagine that I’m picking up on peoples’ energy, reading their body language and feeling the expressions on their faces….it’s all in my head. But, then, my friend, Sheila says something like, “You know…. Abby doesn’t look at you…she looks through you….” And to have Larry  (of ALL people) agree with her?!? That’s like a validation to me. But, is that validation only in my head, too?

 

How am I supposed to function?
MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
1 Response Dec 14, 2006

can make what a reality? i mean, i know He can make anything a reality but, what were you referring to? i'm real curious.