12-7-06: The Whole Story About How I Got Played On Thanksgiving

Alright....so, my kids dropped me off at his house.  Everything was awesome.  We had spent a wonderful and love-filled Thanksgiving together, the kids were all ready for mom to leave town and excited to have the house to themselves.  As soon as we pulled in front of Nicky's house, the kids opened the car doors, turned the music up and started dancing in the street (they do that alot....they get it from their Daddy.)  Nicky happened to be in his driveway talking to someone so, he came into the street to join the kids....I took pictures...all of their smiles are so gigantic and Nicky was in his bare feet!!  (On Thanksgiving!!!  It was nice out but, Nicky was a lit-tle drunk.)

**(It's important to add a little history.  I live in a small town that's always been very racially integrated.  I met my childrens' father when I was 15.  He was black.  Even in our small town where people have always been far more accepting of each other, it was in the early 80's.  Inter-racial couples weren't very accepted.  But, that man became my family....and, he had a LOT of family.  Through him, I essentially grew up in the black community.  I've always felt particularly privileged for the special experiences I got to have with and through him.  I LOVED hanging out with his family and friends (he had a BUTTload of them, too) and everyone always loved and accepted me.  Since he died, I've slowly lost all of that.  I'm still familiar with community members, stay semi-active in community/school events.  But, it's not the same.  Nothing is as AWESOME as sitting at a table, playing spades with your husband, enjoying good food, good friends and talkin’ a WHOLE bunch of ****!!!  I guess I should mention that I am NOT black.  I'm actually of Latin descent (not Hispanic.)  I don't want to say exactly what nationality but, it's considered Caucasian.  Anyhow, black folks have always said that "She ain't white.  That girl has black in 'er."  They say it's because of my nationality but, it's really because I'm real and they appreciate and respect the **** outta that.  I have to admit that I've never felt that level of acceptance from most members of the white community.  The bottom line is that Nicky grew up/graduated with my childrens' father (Ed.)  Those guys (there was a TON of them around the same age) all ran in the same circle....it was back in the day when they still had parties at the playground and stuff.  Things were different.  They had guns but, they mostly still used their hands.  They were tough.  They became men together.  I knew of Nicky though Ed.  He, apparently, could have been a professional boxer, I guess.  He was always known for his hands. And, oh yeah, he's black, too.  Nicky paid for my son's college books this semester ($200 worth of books.)  At first, I refused.  But, he insisted.  I finally gave in when he said, "Listen.  I like you.  I love Ed.  Let this be my contribution.  Let me show my support.  Take the money."  That's the FIRST time ANYone's ever done ANYthing for me (OR my kids) "in the name of Ed," before. I don't think anyone will ever be able to comprehend the weight that gesture carried for me.  Nicky's commented a few times about how, "I can't really explain it but, I feel connected to your kids, somehow, you know?  Like, they're family to me.  It must be because of Ed."  Just being around Nicky has taken me back into the community I lost with Ed.  I've laughed more in the passed four months than I probably have in the passed 4 YEARS!!  IT HAS BEEN SO HEALING FOR MY SOUL!!!)**

Back at the ranch.....I'm standing in the very middle of the street, beaming and fully aglow with SO much love and pride; camera in hand, not able to see the dancing images in my view finder because my eyes were misting up....just SOAKING the whole moment up.  It was beyond magical for me.  I felt like Ed was right there in the middle of the three of them!  I was on TOP of the world!  And, I was about to "go home" with Nicky???  (we were going to his home state for a funeral.  That's what the whole trip was for.)  We all carried my bags in the house.  Everyone was in SUCH good spirits!  Nicky made the kids come in.  I've been really concerned about my daughter and talk to Nicky about her all the time.  He's always asking about her and making sure I check on her when I'm with him.  We've both made it an objective to keep her from getting pregnant...he seems to genuinely care about protecting her.  Anyhow, he called her into the kitchen to talk to her.  I listened to hear some of it, just to make sure he wasn't saying anything retarded to her but, for the most part, I already knew exactly what he would say to her.  (It's funny how you can have that kind of trust in a person who tells LIES 90% of the time.  But, that's the thing about Nicky.  Words are not a favorite form of communication for him.  I think, basically, words mean NOTHING to him...that's why he can just throw them around the way he does.  But, his ACTIONS speak loud and clear!!!  He's very old-school:  truly values hard work, probably believes that "the proof is in the pudding," or whatever.)  ANYway, he was just telling her how much he loved her father and how they grew up together and, even though they never really hung out that much, he always felt like Ed was someone he should look after.  They were family.   And, he was concerned about her.  And, he told her about boys and how ****** up they are, etc., etc......)  At the end, I was shocked to see my daughter reaching out to him for a hug.....ESPECIALLY because she is NOT an affectionate person.  It was just a validation of the magic I already knew was taking place.

The thing about my elation is that it almost completely distracted me from the fact that Nicky had some FRIEND over...some chick.  I'd met her before.  They work together.  During the time he kept me at his house for the whole weekend, I was laying, half-naked (under a cover) on his couch, falling asleep.  He "told" me someone was coming over by letting me hear him say on the phone, "Yeah.  Come on over, Betty."  I didn't care.  I don't pay him any attention.  He's always trying to see if he can make me forget what I believe in....testing me....checking the pudding.  So, when she came and he introduced her to me from the kitchen as “His girlfriend,” I just picked my head up off the pillow and said, “Oh, hi, Betty.”  I figured he was just being Nicky…he always says off-the-wall stuff so, I actually thought nothing at all of him introducing her as his girlfriend.  Plus, she was like, “Uh….your what??”  Anyhow, that night, the night I met her, they just chilled in the kitchen talking about work the WHOLE time.  She left after an hour or two and Nicky and I went to bed.

So, Betty was there Thanksgiving night and, I really didn’t think much of it. I mean, Nicky and I were supposed to be getting some sleep then getting on the road around 3 or 4 in the morning and I was a little perturbed that he wasn’t even packed but, I didn’t care about the girl.  She was actually really cool.  (At least 150 lbs. heavier than me, not cute and not a perceived “threat.”)  The kids left and the three of us hung out.  I took pictures of the two of them together.  I figured we’d hang out for a little while, she’d leave and we’d go to bed.  Ummmmmm NOT!  As the night progressed, things got REALLY weird.  Nicky barely even acknowledged my existence after the kids left.  He was completely focused on this Betty chick…always sitting right next to her, sometimes laying on her lap, with his hands on her legs….FEEDING her out of his to-go box.  (This is something that really got under my skin.  I mean, okay, if he goes around feeding everyone like that, fine but, it’s always been really special to ME and I def. don’t need to ever KNOW about him doing it for ANYone else…that’s his business.  But, I love it when he feeds me….with his bare hands…nice, healthy bites…naked in bed….)  Anyhow, when I first realized something strange was going on, I was intent on playing it cool.  But, as the night wore on and she wasn’t leaving… (every time she would try, he’d be like, “Noooo…Betttyyyy!  Don’t go yet.  Stay twenty more minutes.  You’re not okay to drive.” ) I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.  My blood was beginning to boil as a couple hours finally passed.  I was tired as hell and REALLY wanted to go to sleep.  I figured this was some chick he was actually ******* with and he was just being retarded Nicky by putting it in my face like that.  (He actually IS a sado-masochist…a real one.)  I wanted to CHOKE him for it.  But, I wasn’t about to reveal myself like that to that woman by voicing my opinion.  I don’t know her and she didn’t need to know **** about how stupid I was feeling!  I really wanted to just get up and leave but, I wasn’t about to do that!!  And, leave them there alone together????….NO!  I almost went and got in his bed but then I got afraid that he might actually try to have sex with her and I did NOT want to hear THAT bullshit.  I planned on just waiting it out and taking it up with Nicky after she left. At one point, though, I thought to myself, “**** this!  These is freakin retarded!  We’re all grown and I’m fed up with sitting here feeling like this….It’s taking too damn long!”  So, I finally sat up and said, “Oh!  My! Gosh!  I’m sorry but this is the most BIZARRE situation I’ve ever been in!  I’m SO confused.  I don’t know WHAT the hell is going on!”  They both looked at me.  Nicky may have made some comment about me being quiet and, within 15 minutes after my comment, she finally left.  Soon as she walked out the door, Nicky came and sat on the floor at my feet and put his head on my lap.  I politely told him he couldn’t do that and could he please explain to me what the hell he was doing?  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” was all he would say.  “Well, if you don’t know what I’m talking about, there’s really nothing to talk about.  One thing you should know FOR SURE, though is that I don’t go around spreading my legs for just anyone.  I’m not some type of cheap *****.  I have self-respect and class and I expect to be treated with more respect.”  All he cared about was, “Are you still going on this trip with me?  I knew it.  I knew you were gonna do this to me.  I was really depending on you making this trip with me.  It figures.  You’re no different than anyone else.”  At one point, once I’d said all I could say cuz he wasn’t really listening, I just grabbed his hand and put it on my heart.  I said, “If you don’t want to hear what I have to say, just feel this.”  My heart was (still) pounding SO fast and hard!  All he could do was take his hand back, shake his head and walk into the back room, where he closed the door and completely shut me out (he’s NEVER shut that door before!)  When he realized I was planning on leaving, he argued with me about it a little but, ultimately agreed to take me and my stuff home. He didn’t want me to have to call my kids to come back and get me.  He took too long.  If I were to honestly summarize his response to me after Betty left, I would say he responded like he’d planned on me not going on the trip! The whole weekend afterward, that was the nagging tug at the back of my mind and gut:  that, at some point, he changed his mind about us making that trip together.  If he had really wanted me to go, he would never have agreed to take me home.  True, he went and closed himself back in that room after he said he’d drive me.  I took it as him just not wanting me around….The whole event made me fell so unwanted by him.  Well, the last time he went in the room and closed the door, I left…walked home.  It wasn’t far.  But, I got the car from my son and went right back to his house to get my stuff.

He said some really harsh things to me over the phone after I’d gotten my bags but, it’s not really nec. to repeat it.  You just can’t pay attention only to his words. (He’ll say he hates me when he honestly means he loves me!)  He didn’t want to give me ANY explanation.  I asked, “Is that why you introduced Betty as your girlfriend when I met her?”  And, he said, like he was all resigned and giving up “Yeah…….no! I don’t know what you’re talking about. She’s married. She’s my friend.” 

I didn’t think I’d make it through the night but I did.  He went on the trip without me but I didn’t find that out till later.  I wrote him that letter and then did some sleuth-work.  (It always amazes me how much STUFF a woman can find out when her woman’s intuition is turned up full-blast!)  I found a way to get Betty’s # on Monday and I called her.  It just didn’t add up to me that he had a GIRLfriend…that SHE was his girlfriend!  I mean, aside from the fact that I just found it impossible to believe that I could be that BLIND and STUPID, it just didn’t make sense.  HE doesn’t make any damn sense!  So, I wanted to ask her. 

She was really reasonable and receptive.  (Like I said, she was actually pretty cool.)  I just said, “I’ve been spending a lot of time with Nicky lately and the evening the three of us spent together was really weird for me.  I’m trying to uncover the truth and Nicky just doesn’t want to cooperate.  So, I thought I’d ask you:  What’s the nature of your involvement with him?  He told me you’re his girlfriend.”  According to her, she’s happily married (8 years) with kids.  She’d been getting more familiar with Nicky over the past few months because they’d been really busy and were bumping into each other a lot at work; that they were friends, there’s never been any sex or anything between him and, apparently, he’s not even someone she’d ever, ever be interested in getting involved with like that, even if she wasn’t married.  She’d been putting in 60-80 hours a week and she’d stop by his house as stress-relief to have a drink and “talk shop”/vent before going home from time to time.  She said she’d only been to his house, like, four times and that her husband knew about it.  She said there was one other time (when he was really drunk) that he’d gotten all touchy-feely with her and, both times, she wasn’t sure how to respond.  She said she thought it was because of some bad **** that happened to her when she was growing up but, she always found it hard to assert herself in situations like that.  She said she’d drank more than usual the night we were all at Nicky’s and she didn’t remember everything that happened but (we both) felt badly about the position the other was in.  She said she was glad I made the phone call because it was helping her to see how her interaction with Nicky looks….like, maybe my phone call was alerting her to the fact that she needed to make some adjustments in her social life.

Well, I was glad to know that my intuition was right.  I didn’t get off the phone believing I’d heard the WHOLE truth but, if there was anything left out, I considered it pretty irrelevant.  I dropped the letter in Nicky’s mail box that night.

Since then, we’ve communicated. He did read the letter.  He’s fixed the breaks on my car for me (even paid for new rotors), has made sure my dryer is working and has offered to buy me a new T.V.  He’s opened up so much more to me in the past week since all this crap happened.  I let him know I’d spoken to Betty but I never told him what we talked about.  I just told him he was trippin.  He finally admitted that he had no business doing what he was doing that night (1, because she’s married & trying to be his friend, 2, because he knows I’m a sweetheart and didn’t deserve to be exposed to that ****.)  We haven’t had a whole lot of really great, effective, traditional conversations but, he’s communicated SO much to me.  He’s basically let me know that what I wrote about in the letter is true.  And, he’s SO afraid of getting close to me…falling in love with me.  He’s SO afraid that he’ll do something to hurt me and I’ll leave him.  Somehow, he’s communicated to me that he’s not good with communicating…at talking about feelings and stuff like that.  (But, he’s so friggin sensitive and strong!!!)  Somehow, he’s communicated to me that he doesn’t want me going anywhere…that what he really wants to do is hold onto me but, he’s desperately afraid of his own instability.  He’s told me over and over again how “strong” I am and how impressed he is with me…and surprised….Just last night (he’s talking about making another trip to his home state…some big “shindig” they’re having), he was talking (again) about this one Aunt he has that I just have to meet….how I’d just love her and she’d just love me.  Last night, he said, “My Aunt “_____” would think you’re crazy, too.  But, she’d love your craziness just like I do.  You know what she’d say to me after she met you?  She’d say, (and he said this with the most twinkling eyes and warm smile) ‘Now, she can handle you.’”  I’m no idiot.  I know he could be (still) playing me.  But, he’s not a young man.  (Over 40.)  It’s not like he’s only out for a piece of ***.  And, it’s not like I’m running around doing all sorts of stuff for him and he’s not returning the favors.  He really does take care of me.  He always makes sure I have what I need.  It’s been a very mutually beneficial relationship, in that way.  We take care of each other.  I don’t feel taken advantage of because he does SO much to make my life easier (in more ways than one.)

Our time together has become much more intimate.  He’s always getting so tickled by little things that I say and/or do.  And, he’ll look straight into my eyes and smile the most beautiful smile God ever made (it goes straight to my soul) and, he’ll say something like, “That’s why I love you……” or, “See….you’re so smart!  I love that about you…” or, “You’re so crazy!  I love that about you….”  And, he’ll stop what he’s doing to come and hug me or kiss me really sweetly on the cheek or forehead or on the top of my head (he’s not big on kissing, which I hate.)

The man is difficult as hell.  Beyond “difficult.”  He is so ******* complex and he reminds me SO much of myself.  He really is disturbed, tormented….he really does care about doing the right thing….he’s got a HUMONGOUS heart and he knows how ****** up he is.  He’s done a lot of really bad things in his life.  He had a few long-term relationships with some women that he REALLY hurt, in lots of ****** up ways and he feels really badly about it.  He seems to actually hate himself for the things that he’s done but, instead of taking responsibility for stuff, he just blames it all on his issues….like he has NO faith or hope in himself…like he’s a hopeless cause, or something.  And, he wants (so deeply) to believe that I actually, honestly, really do SEE him and that I honestly (still) do love him, unconditionally.  And, for the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I really do love that man, unconditionally.  I mean, I see all his flaws…I see him completely in the raw.  Just last night, I was telling him, “You know how you really like someone and then they might do one, tiny little stupid thing and then – “ He cut me off to finish my sentence for me (he does that kind of a lot):  “then it’s just over with?”  To which I responded, “Well, yeah.  That happens to me ALL the time.  And, I mean, I get turned off by DUMB **** and, once I’m turned off, I’m over it.”  And, he was like, “So, what did I do to turn you off?”  And, I said, “That’s what I’m trying to say!  NOTHING you say or do has made that happen for me!  I just can’t stop liking you!  And, I look for stuff, sometimes, too!  (Not that I have to.)”

I spent the night with him last night.  He started crying while we were having sex.  It was the first time we had sex without any roughness at all….he even tugged at my hair, real softly and seductively (usually, he’s REALLY rough with it…wraps it around his hands and pulls…I had to “disallow” him from grabbing it at the scalp because he’d grab so hard, it felt like he was pulling it out!)  He got a little emotional when talking to me about how wonderful and beautiful I am to him and how he really believes that I came into his life for a reason and how perfect I am; there’s not a single thing he doesn’t like about me….and he wanted me to wear his pajamas….held me so close to him all night long.  This morning, when I started to rouse to get home to my daughter, he reached out for me and held my head to his chest, while he laid on his side.  I felt so much love and warmth there.

So, I mean, how does it sound?  I KNOW he’s “all wrong.”  He honestly does do some **** that is more than bizarre.  I have no intention of laying my life down for this man but, I can’t help it:  I believe in him.  It’d be really cool if he could learn to believe in himself through knowing and loving me but, I know about life….how it works….how things often don’t turn out how we imagined they would.  I know that hoping to change a person is unproductive.  We’re supposed to love each other, exactly as we are!  I’m grateful for the opportunity to finally be able to experience that but, I have no intention of selling myself short for him (or anyone, for that matter.  That’s one of the really cool things about being almost-40:  you realize how unnecessary it is to make those kinds of sacrifices….the ones that mess with your identity and sense of well-being.)  But, as odd as it sounds, my involvement with him has mostly helped me.  It’s when the scales get tipped in the opposite direction and I start feeling like I’m losing myself…that’s when I’ll walk away from a person and love them from a distance.

Listen to me.  I’m trying to justify and rationalize my continued involvement with him.  Is that really necessary??  If I were to listen to my INSTINCT, I would say I just need to keep doing what I’ve been doing.

I’d love some advice/input, if you’ve made it this far in your reading!

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
3 Responses Dec 14, 2006

yeah....it's was like a blog. the whole story actually had a very satisfying ending, although not at all like i expected. i'm curious....did you read the whole story???

Wait, nvm. I didn't realize this was kinda like a blog. ha. So now I know.

It's been a couple years and I see no one commented. Are you still with him?