12-14-06: The Saga Lives On.....

 

Thursday, December 14, 2006


 


Okay….I’m a little stunned…I mean, I know Nicky is a Gemini but……since Thanksgiving, he’s just about done a complete 180 on me!  I don’t even know, really, where to begin.  Well, for starters, ever since the fateful night, he’s been…just….so nice, sweet, considerate…..resigned.  I haven’t really given much thought to it.  I’ve just been going with the flow and being in whatever moment I’m in, enjoying whatever portions of himself he feels like sharing with me.  He’s been a TON more accessible.  It’s been at least a week since he did the “I’ll call you back” (but never did)-thing  We’ve been keeping in pretty close contact with each other (THAT’s been really weird for me.)  Since we started spending time together (in July,) he’s been to my house a total of maybe 5 or 6 times….always only for a few minutes at a time (well, ONCE, he spent the night with me.)  But, in the passed two weeks, he’s been over here SEVERAL times!  A couple times, without even calling first (I’ve silently wondered if he’s not trying to catch me unexpectedly, to see what I’m really up to.)  One morning (this past Monday), he even brought food over here and cooked us breakfast in my kitchen!!  Yesterday, he let me know he would like to be a part of me and my kids going to cut our Christmas tree down this weekend.  (That really caught me off-guard…I don’t know…it’s just unexpected for me that he would even think about being a part of a “family-thing” like that.)  Yesterday….yesterday seems to have become a turning point in our involvement with each other….  Let me tell the story of yesterday……

Well, for starters, he’s needed my help at work all week but I’ve had a lot of work to do with my photography business (Christmas rush…people trying to hurry and get prints) so, I haven’t worked with him at all.  (Something that I’ve noticed and taken note of is that, NEVER ONCE did he ever complain about me not being there or what kind of pinch it may have put him in…or how much longer he may have had to work to finish the job.  One day, after a particularly exhausting lot of hours spent in front of my PC editing photos and getting orders together, I called him:  “Man!  I’m gonna really start charging people more money and without feeling guilty about it!”  He laughed.  “I’m serious,” I continued, “I’ve been workin’ my *** off today!!”  His response to me was so meaningful...especially because I believe he really meant it:  “That’s okay.  That’s good.  As long as you’re occupied and happy, that’s all that matters.”)  So, as agreed, when I’d finished with all my work yesterday (I was supposed to be finished by Monday afternoon), I called to see where he was and if he needed me to show up to help.  He did.  Another friggin chick was there….I don’t know if this girl means anything to him but, she’s the one that made me SO angry on “Jay-day,” the one that just walked into Nicky’s house, asking if I was his “girlfriend” and if he had any beer in the basement.  When I showed up at the job site yesterday, I didn’t recognize her, at first…until, one of the first things out of her mouth to me was, “Are you his new girlfriend?”  I feigned indignant offense (with my irresistible self) and said, “Are you his new girlfriend??”  It’s so funny to me how humans can act just like animals, sometimes.  What I mean to say is that I always find it so interesting how humans can be territorial, sometimes a necessity to beat the process of natural selection.  After that minor, initial interaction with her, I (immediately and instinctually) assessed that she posed absolutely no threat.  It was like we were both dogs and I just got finished sniffing her butt.  Lol.  That sounds disgusting but, it really was a very innate exchange.  And, the conclusions deduced from the brief assessment are real.  That woman is weak.  Period.  I mean, that’s the bottom line.  I could sense that she was coming apart at the seams….that her life is NOT in order.  Whatsmore, she is even more chaotic than her life.  She has no clue who she is.  She doesn’t spend a lot of time thinking about much…has to expend most of her energy hiding from the reality of herself.  There was a little color to her but, it was faded, neglected.  And, seeing/feeling these things about her…I mean, it was intuitive, and it was laid before me, like a vision.  And, right next to it, there was me.  And, it was revealed to me, point by point, how I am NOT like that chick.  It was a personal validation to me:  that I am so much better off than I think I am.  That’s just my opinion, of course.  But, my “spirit-light,” or energy, or whatever is is always shining…even when I am walking in the deepest of depressions.  And, people feel it and respond to it.  It’s beautiful.  It energizes.  It draws people in.  Facing this stranger who had squeezed her way into the fabric of my existence, I was able to understand that I’m okay; that I don’t need to keep beating myself up.  I’m doing okay.  All things considered, I honestly am managing to live a beautiful life.  I mean, even IN THE MIDDLE of all of my ******-up-ness, I shine!  I must be doing SOMEthing, right, is what I figger…and, if it ain’t broke, why fix it?  I fully believe that my ability to come to a conclusion like this about myself (and, really see/feel it) is partially a direct result of my involvement with Nicky.  He makes me feel so acceptable, just as I am.  He makes me feel so acceptable and approved of, exactly where I’m sitting (even if I’m actually laying, butt-naked and passed out on the bedroom floor because I drank WAY too much gin!) In fact, it is often because of the level of acceptance I feel from him that I actually DESIRE to make positive changes for myself and in my life. It’s like reverse-psychology, or something.  And, it may actually be a part of his manipulation but, how can I EVER be mad at someone who “manipulates” me into quitting cigarettes?  Or keeping a cleaner house?  Or taking better care of my body?  I mean, he really makes me want to do things that are good for me….and he makes me want to do them for me…not for him….or anyone else.

Anyhow, I worked for a couple hours.  Afterward, he took me to Circuit City to buy me a new 32-inch T.V.  Okay….this was EXTRA weird for me and worth considering.  I don’t really want to (consider it), for some reason…probably that considering why it was so weird for me would force me to learn something difficult to learn about myself.  I don’t know.  I guess it scared me…that he was buying me a television and what it meant.  (Would it be held over my head, at some point, in some cruel way?)  It was obvious to me that he was moving closer to me and I was feeling a really awkward intimacy forming between us.  I’m not sure, exactly, why it was awkward for me.  But, I was quiet for most of the drive to the store.  The fact that he NOTICED my quietness just increased the awkward feelings.  He reached out to put his hand on my leg and squeeze a little, “Whatsamatter, Angel?  Are you feelin okay?”  My response, “I’m fine.  But, you really should be countin' your blessings right now instead of questioning it cuz you know it doesn’t happen often…but, I can be quiet, just because, from time to time.  You know, most times I'll talk your ears right off.”  We both laughed.  He agreed, “I know that’s right!”

Before we made it to the store, I finally said, “This is a really nice thing you’re doing for me, Nicky.  I’m not really sure why you’re doing it but, I really do appreciate it.”  He was so sweet when he replied, “Well, why wouldn’t I do this for you?  I like doing nice things for you.  You do stuff for me.  That’s how it’s supposed to be, right?  You take care of me, I take care of you.”  “Yeah!” I exclaimed.  “Now that’s what I’m talking about!!”  I was particularly excited to hear him respond this way because I’ve been thinking a LOT, lately about the ingredients required to make a successful relationship.  I think part of my problem when in a relationship is that I tend to idealize them, or at least how I imagine they’re supposed to be.  I tend to believe that love is supposed to make everything peachy then get UPSET and BOLT when things get real mucky.  But, relationships aren’t supposed to (nor will they ever) be problem-free.  That would sort-of defeat the purpose  (since encountering and resolving conflicts in relationships is the most effective tool we employ to work through our spiritual life-goals.)  But, if two parties are genuinely concerned about their partner’s well-being and happiness, a lot of the problems they encounter together will lose their power to destroy.  If I truly value his happiness and the sentiment is reciprocated, well, that’s quite a way to start a foundation.  Now, maybe Nicky has different intentions.  Maybe this is his way of establishing control….maybe, one day, he plans on having it set up so that I’m the one running around doing everything for him while he just takes advantage of me and be’s a big, fat, jerk!  But, so!  In the end, it doesn’t really matter what his intentions are.  (I mean, clearly, if he doesn’t honestly believe in the whole “taking-care-of-each-other” thing, then the shape of our involvement will reflect whatever his truest sentiment is.)  In the end, I will always be me and I’m learning SO much from the experience I’m having with him.  Nobody will ever be able to take that gift away from me!!

We got the T.V.  He was so happy.  It’s so obvious he loves to do nice things for people. We dropped the T.V. off at my house.  My daughter was in the living room while we carried the gigantic thing in.  She lightly gasped and said (all surprised and wide-eyed, like a little girl):  “Is that ours??”  Nicky’s little soul was bouncing off the walls.  He so badly wanted us to take it out of the box and put it up in the living room!  But, my t.v. stand is broken.  Even still, he SO badly wanted to bring his nail-gun and wood glue over to fix it for me.  But, I talked him out of it.  It was really late.  It’d been a long day for both of us and we were tired.  I got some pajamas while we were here and we went back to his house.

 Wow.  What a night we spent together!  Now, I’ve finally gotten to the part of the story I REALLY want to tell and I’ve nearly depleted all of my energy!  I seriously need to take a break before I finish.

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
Dec 14, 2006