A Letter to His Auntie

April 23, 2007

Hey, Auntie.  I decided to mail you the letter I wrote to you.  I only read parts of it you today and I thought you might like to read it yourself.  I've also included a few more pictures.  Hope you like them.  I'll talk to you again some time after I get my phone turned back on, on the 3rd.  I hope Nicky never has to find out about how I called you and broke down last night.  He doesn't need to know everything, right?  :0)

 

here's the letter: 

Auntie, 

I'd bet my last bottom dollar that I'm not the first woman you have tried to help get over loving Nicky.  I know it's probably real easy for you to just see me as one more silly girl who got caught up with your nephew and I know I'm virtually a stranger to you.  But, you may be a blessing.  I hate to burden even the people I know with my problems but, I really do need someone to talk to.  If you have the love, patience and energy to listen to me, I swear, you must've come straight from God.  I have always been strong, proud and fiercely independent.  People come to me for love, wisdom and advice.  Most people in my life even depend on getting those things from me.  But, I have never had a teacher, a guide.  I am still called upon to mother my own mother.  I give her advice and direction.  I have never had a mentor.  There are no aunties or grandma's or cousins or anyone who has ever tried to help me understand how to be a woman.  I don't talk to people and people definitely don't see me cry...because I usually don't.  But, I've been crying a lot lately and I know I am slowly being cleansed, healed as a result.  I am so grateful to you for being on the other end of the phone for me last night!  But,  I'm ashamed that I had the nerve to call you when I had been drinking!  I feel it was so disrespectful and I'm sorry for that.  I honestly hope it hasn't or won't damage your image of me.  Cuz, Auntie, I didn't call you last night just because I was drunk or because you are connected to the man I'm loving.  I called you because I really needed someone to talk to and there honestly is no one else for me to call on.  I'm embarrassed by that but, you have offered me your love and I need it....I'm hoping that you'll understand that.  

I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing because I have truly grown to value Nicky and his friendship.  I don't want to dishonor him OR myself.  But, I have a hard time discerning what the :right thing" is, sometimes:  Should I fight or let go?  Is he pushing me away because he doesn't want me or because he's afraid of loving/losing me?  Should I hold onto the things I believe in or am I just being a fool?  Last night, I sincerely needed someone to tell me what I should do and you told me:  I have no choice.  I have to let go.  I'm so grateful to you for that.  I'm so grateful that you reminded me of how strong I am and that I already know I'm gonna be okay.  You just don't even know how MUCH that means to me!!  I agree with you.  It is the right thing to do to let go.  I know good and well that no one can ever MAKE another person do ANYthing.  I do need to "let go," for my own peace of mind, if nothing more.  But, Nicky has  also been communicating to me he needs space from me.  I really am smart enough to know that I've been doing the wrong things....letting my feelings get in the way....feeling and acting much like a little child.  But, that's just been the human part of me...the woman that needs love.  I am a big girl, though, and I DO know what the right thing to do is.  But, letting go isn't the same thing as "giving up."  I love Nicky in a way I didn't really think I was capable of loving a man.  Giving up on him would be just like giving up on myself.  And, vice versa:  if I don't make sure I'm okay, I'll never be "right" for anybody.  No matter what his intentions are with me, I know that I am ultimately the one in control of my own destiny.  And, I definitely am strong enough to stand up through all the hard stuff and hold my head up with the dignity and grace of a real woman.  I have so many things to focus on and I'm 100% confident that I can (and will) handle all my business.  I always have.  I know that no man has ever "made" me.  I may have been broken a few times but, I always heal and come out stronger afterward.  I am a good woman.  Believe it or not, Nicky has actually been molding and shaping me into an even better woman.  I tell him all the time that he's gonna make me into a beautiful wife for someone one day, if he doesn't decide to claim me.  Odd as it seems to everyone, Nicky is one of the very first men I have actually respected.  Because I'm so deep and spiritual and think about things so much, I can be quite a handful for most men.  In fact, no man has honestly known how to handle me; what to make of me.  I'm very strong-willed and protective when it comes to ANY man trying to tell me ANYthing.  But, somehow, Nicky got my attention.  The things he says to me make so much sense!  And, he has officially become the very first man who HANDLES me.  That alone makes him more valuable to me than a little bit!  I appreciate the unexplainable way he has taught me how to listen.  I appreciate the discipline and self-control I have learned by watching him, working with him.  I appreciate the way he makes me want to always keep pushing myself to be and do way more than I think I can.  He has been teaching me how to be more resilient.  Somehow, he always finds a way to SHOW me that I can keep going long after I feel like quitting (quitting on myself, on life....)  For these reasons (and many more,) I'm not ready or willing to "give up" on him, yet.  I know he'll probably never marry anyone and, if he were to marry, there's plenty of women who have already put YEARS in for him.  I probably would never be even a candidate.  I know that I will never be able to stake a claim on him.  I know that he's always gonna do exactly what he wants to do.  I know that I can't force him to do anything and I must let go of him.  But, I will not stop loving him, or hoping.  I will not give up on him.  Not now.  Maybe not ever.  In my gutt, I don't believe I have to "give up on him."  What my gutt says is that I have to let go but that I shouldn't give up.  All I know is that I have to take care of me and I will.  I didn't make it this far through life by accident.  Loving him may make me vulnerable in certain ways but love is all about letting go anyway. 

Anyway, thank you for listening to me last night.  You really did tell me what I needed to hear.  You really helped me to remember who I am.  And, please accept my sincerest apologies for calling you in the state I was in.  You said I can call you anytime and I really don't mean to be greedy but, I know I need someone to talk to so it'd be kinda silly for me not to take you up on your offer.  You honestly may be an answer to a prayer for me and I try not to miss any of my blessings from not paying attention....like so many of us often do!!! 

Love,

 

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
Apr 24, 2007