I Am Victorious, Without Even Knowing the Outcome!

April 24, 2007 

Well, if I have to keep having the same experience decade after decade in my life, at least I’m experiencing different parts of that “same experience.”  I definitely feel more evolved than that “15-year-old me.”  Although the tender, exquisite pain is identical, my response to it has matured.  You know, we use the phrase “Perspective is Everything!” so often that it has become cliché.  We’ve heard it so much, we forget to think about what it really means.  We miss the simple and powerful depth of that Truth.  I’m amazed, as I move through this experience with Nicky and connect the dots of my life together, at the power of my own perception. 

I got a message from Emerald this morning.  Upon reading it, I was slapping my hand down on the desk and saying out loud, “That’s what I’m TALKin about!!!  THIS is the TRUTH!  Thank God she sees it!!!”  But even as I shouted at the air, there was a little voice in the back of my head….like a fiendish little sprite dancing out its inevitable torment:  “That’s only exactly what you want to believe and hear!!!  Just because you got a co-signer doesn’t make it reality!!!” it spat in whispers.   

But, here’s the thing:  immediately after that taunting “voice,” I started vaguely piecing things together…..  “A ‘co-signer?’  Hmmmm…. ‘Where there are two or more gathered in my name?’….  HHHHmmmmmm!”  

Bit by bit, it’s starting to come together.  Truth (universal Truth) never changes.  Only our perception of and reaction to it does.  We’re all painting our own pictures, each as real as the next.  We, as creators, are powerful enough (on our own) to create our own truth, as we perceive it.  However, when two people agree on the same thing (REGARDLESS of what that thing is) our power grows exponentially….not just double.   


Quantum Mechanics discusses what happens when two atoms fuse together.  When fusion takes places, the sum of energy of the two atoms is NOT equal to its parts.  Studies have been conducted to “prove” that fusion doesn’t actually CREATE new energy but, when the two atoms come together to form one, they release energy…almost like, since they have come together and are now feeding on the energy of each other, they no longer need the same amount of energy and, together, release what has now become “excess” energy.   (I think I’ve got that pretty right.  I mean, there can never be any real excess energy because you can never add to or take away from all the energy that there is.  There is an absolute amount of energy.)  Furthermore, Einstein states in one of his theories on relativity (I can’t remember if its special or general which clearly indicates that I’m not an expert on this subject matter) that the speed of light is absolute (and, I think, like TONS of stuff in physics is actually relative to the speed of light.) but, even though the speed of light is absolute, how much time that passes while someone is traveling at the speed of light, is relative to the observer.  There’s the whole “Twin Paradox” thing.  It’s really confusing but, I think what it basically describes is that if one twin was sent out into space at the speed of light and traveled for “so long,” while the other twin remained on earth, how long they ACTUALLY traveled would be relative to who was keeping track.  The twin that did the traveling would have a record of so much time and the twin that remained on earth would have a totally different record.  They would, in fact, it’s supposed, actually be different ages!  So, even TIME is relative to the person observing it!!  I mean, how’s that for “It’s all about perception?”

The way I’m looking at perception, “reality,” and having a co-signer is like the atoms.  Say, me and Emerald have the same idea/belief about Nicky.  The idea can be compared to each atom….fusing together.  Our ideas fuse together and become so much more powerful as a result of feeding off each other, the idea no longer needs the same amount of energy to be perpetuated.  So!  What happens with the “excess energy?!?!?”  My hypothesis (and, of course, I’ve done no REAL, scientific experiments to prove or disprove it) is that the “excess energy” is used to create the reality the idea originally supported.  Does that make sense?  So, I’m thinking that it’s in this way that the whole “Where two or more are gathered in my name….” thing works. 

We each live our own truths, even if “our truths” contradict the truth that everyone else is living.  Why is it so difficult for me to grasp the concept of “coming on too strong?”  Why is it so hard for me to wrap my mind around the (very real) possibility (more like probability) that all people don’t respond to life (or love) the way that I do?  Why do I get so frustrated and bewildered, just like a child, when people aren’t inspired or touched by living or loving, the way that I often am? 

Nicky has been like one huge validation of the stuff I believe in; mainly a monumental “lesson” in experientially trusting my gutt.  Through every step I’ve taken with him, I have been called upon to exercise discipline and self-control; to blindly trust my intuition.  I’ve made mistakes with him but most have been necessary…they were points in our path that we had to walk through. 

Nothing has changed but my reaction; to him, to the situation and to my own feelings.  He is still exactly the same.  He has gone to great measures to comfort and reassure me; to keep me on the strong path of faith that has so deeply touched him. 

I came off the rock of faith I knew I would have to stand on to love him the only way anyone ever can.  I left my faith and became succumbed by doubt and fear.  I stopped trusting my own voice.  I let the world’s voice drown out my own knowing.  (Not that I blame myself….I’m am gloriously human, perfectly imperfect.) 

But, I feel he has been so disappointed in me for that. 

It is not over.  I may have pushed each of us into a corner but, we’re not done with each other yet.  That man has finally met the closest thing to his “match.”  I have finally met the man who has made me feel like a real woman.  Okay.  I may still be learning but, dayum!  Nicky has already given me all the tools I need.  He’s laid them right at my feet. 

In the passed few weeks, I’ve felt as though he’s been grooming me; preparing me for the next level of his “training.”  He’s been conditioning me all along, whether he’s realized it or not. 

This is it.  This is the “next level”:  he needs to know that I can let go of him, if he needs to walk away from me.  It is a necessity for him.  And, he’s probably been sad becuz, based on how fearful I’ve been acting, he’s probably believed I’m not strong enough to let go.  Maybe all he’s conscious of is the way I’ve made him feel crowded.  Maybe he’s honestly feeling a little turned off of me.  But, we are each still the same people and we are really good together; good for each other.  Maybe he’s “good together” with a lot of people.  Maybe some of the stuff I think I know is purely subjective and painted with my own wishes.  But, THIS I know is true:  There is no one on this planet exactly like me.  I am all the way “the real deal.”  He loves me and wants me.  It’s not personal.  He’s not rejecting me.  He’s rejecting his lack of resistance to me.  He’s re-establishing boundaries for himself.  Maybe I’m wrong.  Maybe he and I will never get any further than we already have.  But, I know it’s not over yet.

It will take time and probably a LOT of it because he is disciplined like a mother ******.  But, he WILL arrive at a moment when he will choose to give in to missing me.  And, I will be there.  I haven’t quite figured out in what way I will “be there,” but I’m giving myself the next 9 or 10 days to figure it out. 

There is a perfect way to handle this.  It’s like an art form.  I have been so skilled at playing the right cards with him. 

It’s ALL been based on intuition and I’ve quite nearly completely shadowed it out (my intuition.)  The haze is beginning to fade and, slowly, intuition is being revealed.  As each day passes and I continue to gain clarity…..everything will fall into place.  I really do know and believe that!  I have SO much proof!!!

I am still almost completely miserable and grief-stricken.  I'm getting through, literally, one moment at a time.  I don't know what the actual outcome of this specific situation with Nicky will be.  I only know that I am on the right path for myself.  Even in all this agony....I am walking the path that is right and good for me.  I am living my truth.

I found this quote today that I really love.  It was right on time, too:

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved."  by Anonymous.

Thank you, God, for showing up in the least-expected places!


MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
2 Responses Apr 24, 2007

As usual, stated with honesty and clarity. I never cease to be amazed at the potential for growth, even in situations where "expected" reactions would be to give up, quit and walk away. Perhaps, as you say, this could be all off base, but I see that it does not change the personal growth you percieve within yourself. You and Emerald do present a fearsome female front, and in all seriousness, it is a great thing to witness. I hope that your focus on this new level stays strong and that the grieving and pain subsides. We all should be so in tune with our world and those we relate to as you and Nicky seem to be. Between Auntie and Emerald, I think you are in a good place. Just be careful with those Quantum lightning bolts, okay?

And if Nicky gets too far out there we will FUSE ourselves together for enough energy to send a QUANTUM lightening bolt at his butt!! lol.