A Plan Has Been Intuited

It is a tentative, loose outline type of "plan."  I must have one.  I have to warn you, if you're reading:  I've decided to reveal myself in a most intimate way...even more intimate than normal.  At the risk of making myself look like some obsessive-compulsive, fatally-attracted-type-Glen-Close-***** (if I haven't already given that impression of myself,) I'm going to make public the specific details of how my mind works.  Yes.  I have to have a plan.  If I don't formulate one, I can't deal.  I guess it's my way of being proactive.  It's also my way of exercising my right to live my life according to my own set of values; to document these "insights" I have; to prove to myself that i'm not really crazy.

Here's the plan, as it stands:

Nicky will contact me.  It may take weeks and weeks but, i tend to believe it won't be THAT long because he has never had to contend with missing me before, in all of the nine months that we've been dealing with each other.  He may find out my phone is off and find his way over here.  He may do the same as i am and take advantage of the time it's off, knowing that I'll likely get it turned back on after the 3rd.  he may even expect me to call him when i get it back on.  but, i won't.  my main objective is to make sure he does NOT hear from or about me until he makes contact with me.  This is essential.  If I contact him first, I might as well bash the last nail into the coffin.  He needs his space (thank God I'm grown up enough to have been able to figure that OUT!!  In the past, I would have NEVER been able to be objective about that....not with someone I'm loving!  I would have taken it SO personal and would have immediately gone into defense/*****-mode.)  Honestly, the latest I expect to hear from him is by the second week of May.  I will follow his lead in whatever that conversation/contact is.  After he contacts me, I'm gonna mail him this letter (or one very similar to it):  

Baby, 

I know what happened…what I did…I acted like I was so “cool” and big and tough; like I knew exactly what I was getting myself into with you.  I swore that I could “handle” you and, now I’m acting like some whiny little child.  Even though there were times when I doubted whether I could handle you and even said to you, “I’m not tough enough for you, baby,” I kept right on walking, talking about:  “I know who Nicky is!  I’m not stupid!  I know exactly what I’m doing…” And, now I wanna act like I’m not the same grown woman who made the INFORMED decision I made to keep kickin it with you. 

I have good intentions, I swear, I do.  I try to act like I know what I’m talking about but, underneath it all, I’m just a human being, like the rest of us.  I have my fears and insecurities and “childhood ghosts.”  No matter how big or smart I get, I still have feelings.  And, damn, if they don’t **** **** up for me ALL the time!  I’m no different than anyone else.  We all do dumb **** when we’re afraid of something.  And, in relationships, someone’s usually ALWAYS afraid of something.  That’s why things always get ruined when people decide to enter into a “serious relationship” with another person.  Cuz, the minute you enter into a serious relationship, a commitment is made (even if it’s an unspoken commitment…you’re actually committing to still being there to love that person tomorrow.)  And, the minute someone makes a commitment to someone else, they are immediately at risk of losing something; something they KNOW they could keep if they didn’t make the commitment in the first place.  People forget why they were drawn to the person they’re “committing” to and become totally preoccupied with the risk they’re now in…the risk of making a mistake; looking and/or feeling like a fool; being abandoned or lied to.  In order to be in a “serious relationship,” people HAVE to allow themselves to be vulnerable to that risk.  It’s unavoidable….Unless you just never change the status of your involvement with that person; as long as you remain a “bootie-call,” or “friend,” there is virtually no risk. 

The “status” of my involvement with you has uncontrollably changed because you have become more to me than “just” a “friend.”  I have broken the cardinal rule.  I know that.  But, I don’t mind loving you.  It makes me feel so much like a woman…so…essential.  Life is full of ****** feelings.  I like to try to appreciate the good feelings when they come.  So, for me it’s not a sin to love you.  But, I’m still human.  Loving you puts me at risk, especially under the circumstances.  Because, now I want to give something to you that you may not even want.  So, my human-ness has gotten in the way.  It has caused me to lose sight of everything I know is true.  My human-ness has, in effect, practically completely reduced me to a sniveling little child!   I hope you can forgive me for that, Nicky.  I feel like the whole thing is so dishonest….like, somehow, I’ve managed to misrepresent myself to you.  It’s not the first time I’ve “misrepresented myself”….. 

I’m sure you probably don’t understand or believe it…you might not even care but, honest and truly, loving and spending time with you…just knowing you has been so therapeutic for me!!  I don’t know why or how it was possible but, somehow, you have managed to tap into some part of me that has been unreachable for forever!  I’m learning things about myself that are proving to be invaluable!  Just by dealing with you, watching you, paying attention to you, I’ve somehow figured out how to “pay attention” to myself in the same way; like you’ve removed some veil that’s been covering my eyes and I can see so much clearer.  For example:  it’s clear to me now that the way I’ve responded to you is actually a tactic; one I’ve always employed to sabotage my own relationships!!  I’ve basically been trippin with you from the MINUTE I felt I was at risk…the moment I knew I didn’t want to “lose” you.  And, all the while, I’ve been boasting about how open I am…how “unconditionally” I have accepted you into my heart and life.  Ha!   

I’d imagine I’ve disappointed you a lot more than you’ve led on to me.  Cuz, I know you really like me; honestly enjoy my company and presence.  But you also have very distinct boundaries in your life and you’ve been trying to keep me from crossing them so you can continue enjoying me.  You’ve tried to comfort and reassure me; hold me at bay, show me where you needed me to stand and I feel now like I just ignored you.  My fault.  I was blinded by my human-ness.  It’s not any different, really, from the way you operate.  You’re pretty much the same as most people:  afraid of being loved, left, abandoned, humiliated, taken advantage of.  You’re no more afraid than the average person of “committing” to a person; of taking that leap of faith (which is exactly what it feels like…cuz, no matter what, there’s NO way we can predict what a person is gonna do.  They may promise to “love, honor and cherish” now but, what about when **** gets difficult or they get bored and they can find comfort or excitement somewhere else?)  We all respond to our fear differently (as we ought to, since we’re all individuals.)  I “chose” people I know will never completely embrace me so I never honestly have to worry about being rejected.  I act like a hypocritical weakling when I’m afraid I’m getting too close to a person.  You move from one woman to the next whenever you feel like one or both of you is getting too “comfortable.”  I think this is one of the reasons I’ve so magically been able to relate to you.  We’re really no different.  We both lie, cheat and manipulate the **** out of ourselves!  Do you see how I’ve managed to manipulate this situation?  I vaguely remember realizing, maybe even telling you once in a letter, that I go out of my way trying to SHOVE myself down peoples’ throats because I just KNOW they’re not strong enough to handle me; that I tend to feed myself to people on full-blast because I figure they’re gonna wind up leaving me, anyway…Much like you seem to go out of your way trying to prove to everyone in your life how “hard to handle” and ominous you are. 

Maybe I’ve managed to kill the whole experience for you.  But, what you said was, “We need to quit whatever it is we’ve been doing.”  You still haven’t told me that you don’t want me.  You still haven’t conveyed to me that you are no longer drawn to me.  What you definitely have conveyed is that you need some room; that the whole experience with me is making you feel crowded.  I understand and respect that.  But, personally, I don’t feel I’m done learning from you.  I could be wrong, I understand that, too.  But, from the very beginning of “whatever it is that we’ve been doing,” I have been consistently called upon to trust my intuition about things.  Every time I have listened to my instinct about you (every time), I have been proven right.  I see no reason to stop trusting that instinct, now.  Maybe my signals are crossed.  Maybe I’m mistaking a wish for agutt-feeling. 

At any rate, I just couldn’t let the last communication between us be some jake-*** two-minute conversation; one that I now feel like I forced on you….not that I need to have the “last word,” or anything.  I just mostly wanted to express my regret for the many ways that I’ve been really retarded with you.  I swear my intentions have been to enjoy the experience and to stay out of the way of whatever it is or becomes.  I just ****** around and got too preoccupied with dumb stuff.  I suppose it was inevitable.  I hope you haven’t lost any love or respect for me.  You mean the ******* world to me, Nicky!  And, I promise, I really do love you unconditionally.  There’s nothing anyone could ever do to change that.  And, I still believe that whatever I stand to continue gaining from you is worth WAY more than whatever the outcome may be….even if the outcome is painful.  I’ve always said that nothing worth having comes easy.  But, if you really mean that you don’t want me in your life, I completely respect it, as I (still) do you.

xoxo

I'll mail him the letter and then I'll just have to wait.  The timing of everything should actually work out just perfectly because his auntie is supposed to be in town before the month of may is over.

i feel like i'm still being manipulative.  is that how it looks?  what exactly is it that i'm "planning"???? what i'm doing is designing my perception of this situation; defining who i want to be in relationship to it.  i can't lie:  i am hoping for a specific (and obvious) outcome.  but, mostly, i just honestly feel like i'm following the "right" path.  i may not see where the path leads but i honestly trust that wherever it is, it will be the "right" place.  this is how i make important decisions.  this is how i live my life.  sometimes, it can get super-detailed.  sometimes, i feel like i'm wasting time on all this thinking, disseminating, dissecting, formulating, "intuiting."  But, ultimately i know that i'm living life this way because this is how i grow.  this is how i am forever reaching toward myself.

lololol....  I'm really afraid of sounding crazy.  That's crazy.

**disclaimer or "contingency plan"**

if he doesn't contact me by the middle of may, that should be sufficient time for me to accept that it's time for me to change my perspective.  i will mail him the letter and have closure.

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
4 Responses Apr 24, 2007

Best of luck with this situation. It's so hard to navigate these emotional issues. I hope it works out.

I had a letter like that written for me once. I was stupid and went through it, writing notes in the margins as to my alternate opinions on the letter writer’s motivations. It did not help the situation. It’s so hard to rationalise an emotional situation.

any updates that i've missed by accident?? how are you?

i think mailing the letter is a good thing - whether he contacts you or not. You DO need that closure. <br />
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Good Luck!