1-3-07: I May Have Killed My Darling Nicky

My son had been pretty upset with Nicky because I'd walked home on Thanksgiving night from Nicky's house.  I never talked to the kids about why I wasn't going out of town...I just told them that Nicky was trippin, I didn't want to go anywhere with him and didn't feel like waiting for him so I just walked home.  My son and Jayson had discussion about it in my presence. (Jayson is a young man, age 23, that we've all basically adopted into our family.  He doesn't live with us or anything  but the four of us have felt exactly like family since the moment we met.  So, I always refer to Jayson as "my other son."  There are a few people in my life, including Jayson's girlfriend who is my cousin, who swear up and down that there is a sexual relationship between Jayson and I.)  So, the two of them were pissed at Nicky.  "That was disrespectful to you!  And, on Thanksgiving?!?  He's a man.  He should've made sure you got home safely."  I insisted that it was my choice.  A few weeks after Thanksgiving, my son called me when I was over Nicky's.  Once he found out where I was, he wanted to talk to Nicky.  But, before I gave Nicky the phone, my son said, "Wait, Mom.  Did he make you walk home or did you walk home on your own?"  I reiterated that it was my choice and my son said, "Nevermind, then."  So, it was pretty much squashed for my son.  But, on New Year's Eve, I picked Jayson up to come celebrate at my house.  Nicky had said he was coming over to my house; that he was cooking and would bring food over.  Naturally, I wasn't certain he'd come but, while Jayson and I were in the car and I mentioned Nicky and the food and everthing, Jayson was like, "I do have a few things to say to Nicky, though.  I just think it's important that he knows that people love you and are looking out for you; that that **** was disrespectful and there are people around that aren't just gonna sit idly by and watch that type of stuff happen."  But, I kept insisting that it was all taken care of and that he should mind his own business.

Nicky showed up.  I was elated....especially since things had been really (consistently) growing between us.  Jayson had drank a pint of 151 by the time Nicky showed up.  Within minutes, all hell broke loose!  Nicky and Jayson were standing right next to me when I hear Jayson say, "I don't like you, man.  That **** you did to Abby on Thanksgiving was disrespectful as ****."  Nicky was trying to be cool, at first but then Jayson got in his face, put his hands on him!  He actually pushed NIcky!!  Everything happened so fast.  The next thing I knew, the three of us were in a huge ball rolling around on my living room floor.  There were only five of us here and them the only men.  I couldn't just let them romp around in my house!  But, I'm tiny.  I couldn't make either of them get off each other so, somehow, I kept finding a way to wedge my body in between theirs.  My Christmas tree got knocked down.  One of my Bose speakers was crushed.  But they never threw any blows.  They couldn't.  I was always in between them...rolling around with them.  They had a wrestling match and I was smack in the middle of it.  Things got a little foggy near the end but, Nicky wound up just getting up and walking out.  I proceeded to whoop the **** out of Jayson.  He never fought back.  I asked him if he was in love with me cuz that **** was just so ******* bizarre.  He insisted he was standing up for me.  I screamed and yelled so much at him that just today I have been able to speak again.  "I'm a grown woman!  You have no ******* idea what kind of damage you just did!  I told you to mind your business!!"  My cousin came to pick him up and I told her the whole story.  Then, I bolted to find Nicky!  OH MY GOD!!  This is SO bad!!!  I was driving in my car, alone, when it turned 2007!  Nicky hasn't spoken to me since.  I feel like I'm choking.  Here's the letter I wrote to Nicky today and left in his mailbox:


I have barely slept since Sunday and am seriously having a hard time thinking straight, at this point.  I’m absolutely SICK and there are so many things to be said.  First and foremost, you have to know that I would never, EVER knowingly put you in any ****** up position, Nicky! Even though there was NO way I could have known anything even remotely like that would happen, I still feel responsible, since we were all at my house.  All this time, you’ve been telling me you don’t want or need precisely this type of drama and, for me to now be directly associated with some bullshit like this…I know it makes me look bad as ****.  I’ve worked SO hard at trying to earn your trust; to prove to you that knowing and loving me can be so good for you.  Honestly, I’ve believed that all the hard work has finally been starting to pay off.  You’ve given me so much more of you recently!  In the past month, especially, I feel like we’ve gotten so much closer!  And, I have come to value you and your friendship even more than I expected to.  I SWEAR I would NEVER do anything to hurt you or push you away from me!!!  After trying so hard to draw you near to me?!?  And, now?  When I feel so much like our friendship has really been growing?!?  You mean the world to me, Nicky.  There is absolutely nothing that I wouldn’t do for you.


Where that ******* boy was coming from (besides the bottom of a 151 bottle) is ******* beyond me!  He is like a son to me but, even my own son wouldn’t have taken things to that level.  No one has ever made it their business to infiltrate my personal life like that!  You can’t believe how enraged I am about the fact that my whole entire life has been affected by something/someone besides me and my own actions, something that I couldn’t have predicted or prevented!!!  From the bottom of my heart, I apologize for that child’s actions.  But, (please) I hope you’re not ignoring the fact that they were his actions, not mine!


I am honestly petrified of the potential damage that’s been done.  It’s KILLING me not knowing what you’re thinking or how you’re feeling.  I don’t blame you for holding me light-weight responsible but, baby, I cannot bear the thought of losing you or your friendship!!  Especially over something that I have no control of.  Are you just avoiding me because you’re mad?  Or, are you actually writing me off?  I am absolutely beside myself with fear, regret and desperate sorrow, Nicky. I love you to ******* death!  You’ve made me SO happy!  And, I know I’ve meant something to you, too.  Please don’t let this destroy everything.  Please give me an opportunity to fix whatever’s been broken.  All I want to do is put my arms around you and feel like everything’s gonna be okay; for you to look in my eyes and see that I’m (still) the person I claim to be.  It just can’t be possible that I’ve suddenly become nonexistent to you!  But, I’m terrified that you’ll never speak to me again.  Please don’t kick me out of your life!  I need what you bring to mine.  I can’t take you shutting me out like this.  Honestly, I can’t take it.  I can’t sleep, eat or think of anything else.  I don’t want to make things worse by pestering or pressuring you but, I’m going CRAZY not knowing where your head is at.


Please tell me something, baby….at least, acknowledge that I still exist.


He reFUSES to speak to me.  After the investment I've made in this man!  It's taken six months to get him to open up enough to want to be at my house....and on New Year's!!!!  And, for that to happen?!?  Oh!  IT just makes me sick to my stomach to think of how this has made him feel!!!  HE's a grown-*** man!  And this little kid disrespected him like that, in his girl's house?!?!?  Where he just put a 23-inch television?!?!?  Nicky could have ****** Jayson up. 

I feel as though he is so far out of my reach.  I'm so worried that all the work I've done to earn his trust is just meaningless, now.  HE's so ******* protective of himself!  It's taken so long for him to start opening up!!!  I don't know what I'm gonna do but I need to find a way to stop obsessing over this. 

And, that wasn't all that happened on NEw Year's Eve.  It got even more bizarre and overwhelming!!  But, that would be a different story.  I very much think I'm gonna have to start a group to be able to tell THAT story!!

Nicky's energy is so far away.  It's never felt like this before.  I'm so scared.

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
Jan 3, 2007