Music Is, Once Again, a Catalyst

Sunday, January 21, 2007 

Well, well, well!  After twenty days Nicky has broken his silence.  Since New Year’s, he never answers the phone when I call and I call (at least once) everyday.  I’ve been to his house a couple times; knocked on the door, called him from the driveway.  I even drove to his job site once, at the beginning of all this, but got scared when I saw his truck and didn’t get out of my car to go find and talk to him.  I’ve dropped a letter in his mailbox and, just the other day, some cd’s I’d made for him.  One of the cd’s I made began with “I Don’t Trust Myself” by John Mayer; one of them was one he had been waiting for me to make for a while with two songs he heard on my computer in the summer and would BLAST every time he came over here (“***** Control” by Prince, and “Maggot Brain” by George Clinton.)  I’d tried to burn those songs for him a while ago but the disc I gave him was messed up. 

So, I’d tried just about everything except for NOT calling and I was intent to try that, too.  I lasted one day but, I only called on the 2nd day because I had to!  On Friday, I had to deliver some prints.  I was driving down this LONG, country road where the speed limit is about 50mph.  Not many cars drive down that road…it’s one of THOSE kinda roads.  My cell phone lost all signal about half-way down the road and it’d been snowing pretty bad for a couple days so, driving wasn’t easy.  I thought to myself (I don’t know why), “Man!  If I got stranded out here, I’d be ******!”  Well, damned if I didn’t drive RIGHT into a ditch!!!!  (Actually, I slid, trying to turn onto another road.  My air bags didn’t even pop out, so that’s my proof that I wasn’t driving too fast.  I’m PROUD of the fact that I’ve been driving under these kinds of conditions for 20+ years and have NEVER “slid” off the road!)  My car was nose down in the ditch at, like, a 30 degree angle, with the *** pointing up!  I put my head on the steering wheel and almost laughed out loud.  I didn’t have a warm enough coat on to walk to anyone’s house and my cell phone was (still) definitely without a signal.  Maybe 1 ½ minutes after I got in the ditch, a lady stopped and let me use her phone.  I called my stepfather, who lived right around the corner (in “country-road-terms.”)  I thought, for sure, he’d show up with all kinda equipment to pull me outta the ditch.  NOT!!!  He just came to make sure I was alright, let me use his phone, etc.  So!  I had to call Nicky.  I left a message then called right back.  He answered.  I kinda figured he would.  Self-admittedly, he “enjoys rescuing me.”  But, he wasn’t coming to help me.  I’ll skip all the details, here.  Basically, he just gave me a couple numbers to call, told me to say that he referred me and that they should give me a good deal on a tow.  I thanked him and that was the end of it.  As it turned out, sliding off a country road was WAY more beneficial than sliding off a city road!  SO MANY PEOPLE STOPPED TO HELP ME!!  Even a handsome young man driving a UPS truck!  Two people had tractors to offer.  One person had two four-wheel-drive trucks he offered.  Someone two doors down had a tow truck.  One of the men with a tractor pulled me out.  It was awesome.  While I was sitting there waiting, I wrote down all the people who stopped.  I’m telling you, the whole thing really helped to restore my faith in humanity!!  I was worried I ****** the car’s frame up but, only the front bumper was broken.  After a 2-second pull from that tractor, I was on my way again!! 

I was kind of hurt that Nicky didn’t want to come and help me himself but, damn!  After nearly a whole month, I was actually comforted by the fact that he even showed enough interest to answer his phone!  But, afterward, I really thought it would be appropriate for him to call to make sure I got out safely.  In fact, I told myself, “If he doesn’t call, then I’m just gonna assume he really wants me completely extricated from his life, for good.”  He called.  He was glad I was safe and, I could tell by his voice that (like me) he was really touched by all the good Samaritans.  After a brief 2-minute chat, he was ready to hang up but I asked him first if he got the cd’s out of his mail box and did he try them in his stereo cuz they didn’t work in my car.  Yes, he’d gotten them.  No, he hadn’t tried them yet but he would and, he’d let me know. 

I sent him a text message telling him that there was one song I really wanted him to hear on one of those cd’s (but I didn’t tell him which one.)  I hoped that he would call when he tried to see if the discs would work, so I could tell him.  I really wished that we could sit in the same room and listen to that John Mayer song together but, knew that was just wishful thinking.  I had every intention of going back to my “not-calling-plan” but, when I woke up yesterday, I called him.  Not only did he answer his phone but, we were on it FOR OVER AN HOUR!!!  (the longest we’ve EVER talked on the phone before then was 20 minutes!!)  We even talked about what happened on New Year’s (which I fully expected us to NEVER talk about.)  I should have written it all down yesterday while it was fresh in my head.  I’ll try to summarize: 

He said he (never) felt any ill will toward Jayson (the guy he wrestled with); that he knew we’d all been drinking and, the only reason he even got in a tussle with Jayson was because he’d put his hands on him; that, if Jayson had been someone that he’d known, he’d have just let him push him down.  But, since he didn’t know him or what he was about, where he was coming from, he felt compelled to “fight back.”  He said he didn’t “blame” it on me but that he felt being involved with me would always mean trouble for him.  He even called me “poison.”  He said he the real reason why things were interrupted between us is because we were getting too close.  I cried.  He said we couldn’t hang out anymore; that he definitely felt like he needed to protect himself from me, even though out of his own mouth came, “You’ve never done anything but be good to me and love me.”  I cried because it always happens this way.  Not just for me…everyone!!!  Everyone responds like this when they start really liking someone.  It’s so heartbreaking.  I argued that he’s gonna “lose” me, regardless!  There was no avoiding it.  People are only in our lives for a hot second, in the first place!!!  Life on this Earth is purely temporary!!  His response, “I know.  But, I’d rather go through that now, before I’m all attached to you.”  I went back and forth, trying to accept what he was saying to me and totally rejecting it. “But, I’m GOOD for you, Nicky!  And, you’re my medicine!!”  (It’s a little joke between us…I’m always telling him I need my prescription refilled.)  He told me everything was okay; that we’re still gonna be friends but that he didn’t think he could handle seeing me right now; that, basically, all this time, he’s been using his “will of steel” to avoid me and try to erase me from his mind; that we’ll see each other again.  “Well, when will I be able to see you again?  Nicky, I miss your smile like crazy!  It always makes me feel so good.”  “Soon, honey,” is all he would say.  “What, like another month, soon?”  I asked.  “No,” he laughed, “It’s not gonna be that long.  I’m getting weak.” 

At one point, while we were talking, I heard music suddenly come blaring out of a speaker through the phone.  HOLY ****!!!  He was playing the John Mayer song!!!!  (I guess he decided to try the cd’s while he was on the phone with me.)  “That’s it!”  I happily chirped!!  “That’s the song I wanted you to hear, Nicky!!  Listen to it!!”  I sang with John through the phone (Nicky likes it when I sing.  He’s always saying, “Sing to me, baby.”  He’s one of few people that actually likes to sit down and listen to me play the guitar.  He’s always telling people, “Oh.  She can sang!”)  This is a perfect example of the FACT that ANYthing is possible!!!  I mean, two seconds before I heard that song playing on his stereo, I thought I might have to fantasize forever about being able to listen to it with him….and, here I was singing it to him!!  I said, “That song is you, Nicky. This song describes, perfectly, my experience of you.”  He listened.  We stayed on the phone for the whole cd.  I could hear my music playing the whole time.  He’d actually picked the one I labeled “Stuff I Like” to play, first!  (Unless it was just the one at the top of the stack of four.) 

We had the best conversation and it was one of the best hours of my life.  In general, I feel validated and reassured.  I always worry that I’m such an idiot…that the things I believe in are so unaccepted by the rest of the world, I must just be “crazy.”  But, the things he said to me could have been taken straight from my own journal….I wasn’t wrong about what’s been happening.  I feel so much more like I should trust my gut.  I don’t know why I ever doubt it. 

I don’t know what’s gonna happen with Nicky.  The whole “getting-close-process” may be permanently ended.  I don’t know.  And, I am sad.  I miss him, like crazy!!!!!!!!!  I’m not ready to give him up, yet.  I HATE always having to limit how much I can enjoy another human being!!!  But, if he has to walk away from me, now, I’m grateful for the time I’ve spent with him.

 I don’t honestly believe it’s “over,” though.  What does it sound like to you?


MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
1 Response Jan 21, 2007