Seems Like Progress...

 January 28, 2007

 “I enjoy your company,” he said.

 “If you do, why don’t you ever indulge in it?”

 “I do.  I’m indulging in your company right now.  You just don’t know it,” he replied.   Instantly, I pictured him, working on his office/room, listening to my music, swimming in a sea of Abby.   “I’m working on this room….and I’m enjoying you.  I’ve been listening to your music all morning, while I’ve been working…”

 How’s that for a validation?  I felt it when I was there.  I felt him trying to show me that that was the truth…that I was in that new room.

 But, I said, “I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t rather indulge in me than in ‘my music.’”

 “Because, Abby.  There comes a time in everyone’s life when they have to figure out if something’s good or bad for them.  That’s what I’m trying to do. And, I’ve determined that you’re very good for me.”

 “Then why are you denying me your presence?  If I’m good for you, why do you have to protect yourself from me?”

 “Because I don’t think I’m good for myself.”

 “You mean, you don’t think you’re good for me?  Is that what you’re saying?”

 “No, that’s not what I’m saying.  Why would I cut myself down like that?”

 “Because, let me tell you, baby, you’ve been nothing but good for me.  (By choice,) I’ve invested a lot in you, a whole lot of energy and attention…and, for every single investment I’ve made in you, there’s been some kind of return.  In some kind of Nicky way, you always return the investment I make in you.”

 “Well, you just don’t know how good it makes me feel to hear you say that, Abby.  It really means a lot to me.”

 “It’s true.  That’s why I want to keep on pushing….cuz I know I’m always gonna get SOMEthing in return.”

 And, there seems to always be some type of validation that I’m on the right track. As frustrating and painful as it gets, some **** always happens to confirm that what I’m feeling about this man is right.  I guess it would be safe to say, at this point, that one major thing I’ve definitely managed to accomplish since the overdose is strengthening my intuition. The more faith I put in it, the more strongly it evidences itself.  I mean, with that room of Nicky’s, it hit me like a vision…almost like a movie scene.  It was like I was there with him, while he’s been working on it…. like my spirit traveled back in time and was hovering about the room, in real-time…and, I could hear the music echoing, in the distance, setting the backdrop for the  feeling that was in the air.  I could feel my essence in his hands, in his thoughts, in his heart.  I could feel him throwing himself into that room in a way that he’s so afraid to throw himself into me.  I could feel the safety and torment that he felt; torment caused by his dual urges regarding me….the urge to grab onto me and never let go….and the urge to send me to the other side of the universe.  I’m sure he feels each urge equally as strong.  And, I feel for him.  I do.  But, I understand that the only comfort is in love (not “our love,” just love, period.)  He’ll never find peace until he realizes that.  He won’t experience peace in his life and he’ll never be at peace with his desire for me.  By denying it, he’s only making it stronger….for both of us…cuz I’m a ******* die hard!  And, as long as I’m around to keep feeding and nurturing the love with my faith, it WILL continue to grow.  And, he is so receptive to it, in his Nicky way.  He does want me to keep going.  He wants it to stop because he doesn’t feel like he’s being smart; he doesn’t want to set himself up to get left or disappointed; he doesn’t want to hurt me.  But, I know FOR A FACT that a part of him is desperately hoping that I won’t stop.  Part of him really wants to embrace me, wants to be embraced, by me.  And, he does think I can “handle” him.  That scares him.  No one’s ever been able to.  Some may have come really close.  Pat “handles” him (and, they never got married, by the way.)  But, he’s ******* smart enough to know that Pat is mostly, simply a victim of her own weaknesses.  He knows she lets him in her house because of weakness…not because of love; real love.  He doesn’t feel accepted by her.  Looking at her and Patrick is probably not much more to him than a reminder of his failures…cuz he’s taken that woman through a world of changes…just like he’s taken every woman through changes.  But, I fully believe that the only reason he ever took any of them through changes is because, deep down inside he already knew that they couldn’t love him the way he needed to be loved.  That’s why he loves my intelligence so much.  Cuz, you have to be really smart…smart enough to know that there’s so much more to him than what meets the eye; intuitive enough to be able to pick up on his energy because that’s the best way he communicates; compassionate and secure enough to be able to empathize with him without feeling threatened.  That’s why he’s always commenting on how strong I am.  He knows that I’m strong enough to stand on what I believe in and he knows what I believe in is right.  He admires that I have the courage to stand on my convictions, at the risk of falling out of peoples’ favor.  He respects that I actually live my life by a set of standards.  This is enormous for him because he has little respect for women.  He needs to know that I’m strong enough to do those things because he knows he needs a strong-*** woman.  He’s like me, how I am with men.  There aren’t many men I have found to be worthy of utmost respect.  And, that’s one of the main reasons why he has commanded so much of my attention.  I respect him.

 I already know that I could never have a traditional relationship with him.  I picture, all the time, what it would be like to live with him…for us to really share our lives with each other.  I know he’d still be moody and retarded.  I know he’d always have to be in control of everything.  Our relationship would probably be a lot like business.  And, a huge part of me wonders if I could ever hope to remain happy and/or satisfied in a situation like that, with a person like him.  Something would have to change.  At some point, he’d have to let me in.  He’d have to let his guard down.  We’d have to be close.  He’d have to learn to trust me and what I have for him; what I want to do with and for him.  And, I tend to believe that, if he were to allow us to TRULY become “best friends,” like he says he wants us to be, well all the rest would lose most of its meaning!

 He’s showing me so many new things, I wonder if he’s aware of it?  I think he handles me so ******* well!  I mean it.  I’ve been really impressed with how he handles me.  He knows that I’m a whole package.  And, some of the stuff he doesn’t “like” about me, he actually really loves because it’s all me.  And, he always responds to me…it’s just SO not the way I’m used to!  I mean, for example….once, I’d just gotten finished going through a particularly strenuous “Nicky-episode,” and, just when I thought I couldn’t make it one more minute, he made love to me and showered me with two days in a row of his love, affection and, most importantly, his attention.  He filled me up with it…cooked me breakfast, made me stay in bed, brought a single plate to the bedroom for both of us to eat off of….  He came through for me with exactly what I needed (him) at just the right time…when I would appreciate and receive (it) the most!  I mean, I don’t honestly know if he’s doing that **** on purpose…he’s either really wise or really intuitive.  But, if he’s that intuitive, he’d have to be wise enough to follow the intuition…unless he’s just that adventurous.  Or, it could just be manipulation.  But, if I’m being “manipulated” into something that’s, ultimately good for me, is that a bad thing?

 The problem with most men I’ve dealt with is that they get so preoccupied with the demands I make on them.  They’re too insecure about themselves to not react to me and the little temper tantrums I throw…the way I try to sneak up on them and manipulate them into yielding to me.  They know I’m doing it, too.  If they don’t know, they can usually sense it….unless it’s just a COMPLETELY RETARDED man.  But, even when they know about it, they never know how to handle it the right way.  I mean…I’m too smart to be simple…..  (That’s probably why I’m always being accused of being “a whole lotta woman.”)  So, naturally, it’s not gonna be “easy” to be with me!  It’s like this:  it’s like there’s a secrete code…it’s a puzzle, a riddle….and, only those who are worthy can solve the puzzle to find a key that unlocks the steel door that holds my respect.  Well, Nicky has been solved the ******* puzzle!!!  He knows not to “give-in” to me.  But, at the same time, he “knows” that I am worthy of his love and compassion.  (That’s why he says things like what he said the other day.  He said, “I’m gonna take you someplace special real soon.  I really want to because you’ve been such a good camper.”)  I don’t know if he knows it but, just saying things like that makes me feel so ******* validated and appreciated.  I mean, it’s honestly that ******* simple for me!  That’s all I ever really need….to know that I am seen and appreciated.  That’s what I’ve always been after with these men.  Of course, I’m gonna try to manipulate them!  They have to prove they are man enough to make it through the agility test!  I mean, if he can’t make it through my little wee-wee-league, baby girl bull****, how the hell is he EVER gonna be able to take care of me?  To protect me?  What the **** can a man do for me if he doesn’t know when it’s time to stand up and be a ******* man??  If you’re not gonna handle **** the way a MAN is supposed to handle ****, I’d rather just handle it myself.

 There’s a distinct difference between manipulating a man and being a loving, supportive woman.  However, some times, being loving might involve what, on the surface appears to be manipulation.  For example:  Nicky has definitely communicated to me that he feels it would be in his best interest to keep his distance from me.  He needs my help to see that he’s wrong.  Now, I can’t just tell him he’s wrong.  That would be completely ineffective.  What I have to do is show him.  He’s no idiot.  Like me, he has his agility test to run people through.  I have to work with him on his terms and be very selective about what I show and give him.  I have to pick my battles very wisely.  At first, this felt dishonest and manipulative to me.  But, with Nicky’s guidance, I’m learning that this is how I can put my woman-strength to good use.  And, it requires a GREAT deal of discipline and self-control, trusting my instinct, being true to myself and, most importantly, unconditional love.   That’s because he (appears to) understand (maybe inherently…) that the best way to learn is by experience.  He continuously puts me in positions where I am FORCED to be disciplined…I mean, “forced,” if I choose to try and get to point C (which can only be reached through point B.  At any point, I am perfectly free to lose control.  But, there are definite and powerful consequences to pay.  And, it simply works out best for everyone in the end, including me, to exercise discipline when the situation calls for it.)  This is an INVALUABLE lesson to learn!!!  How can he ever begin to understand what he’s bringing to me?  I mean, through my brief involvement with him, I honestly feel like I have done a LOT of growing up, becoming a real woman.  I feel like I have gained a tool that will be essential in my endeavors to achieve (what I consider) success, in my lifetime!  Finally, someone has been strong enough to solve the puzzle, find the key and make themselves worthy enough for me to even pay attention to!  Finally, someone has proven that they know what the **** they’re doing and that they actually may be capable of helping me!  Nicky has helped to insure my success in life, simply by being who he is!  I mean, that’s pretty invaluable ****, right there!

 And, I’m just starting….on the ways that being involved with him has benefited me!

 

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
Feb 13, 2007