A Glimpse of Exquisite Pain

Dear Nicky~

2-13-07

there's no point in stalling - i know myself too well.  i've had such fantasies of you...of you and i complimenting each other's lives in such a way that we may find ourselves capable of accomplishing things we may not have been capable of otherwise.  i've imagined that you've entertained the same fantasies; that i have had the same effect on you as you have me.  i believe in miracles - FOR REAL - and honestly live my life under the pretense that ANYthing is possible.  so, i have a lot of hope and that enbables me to by-pass a good portion of the DUMB **** that most people pay attention to.  but, i'm no IDIOT.  i know the difference between reality and fantasy.  it takes two to tango and i'm only human...and a woman.  i know you beileve yourself to be "no good;" that you live by real selfish rules (if you wanna call 'em "rules.")  And, you know i deserve so much more than what you THINK you'd be CAPABLE of giving me.  but, i've always known it's NEVER been about what you're "capable" of but about what(ever)the **** you FEEL like doing.  and, since so MUCH of what you want to do defies reason, there's never any point in my pondering your motives, in any given situation.  i know you'll never change because you don't believe you can.  YOU LACK FAITH.  i've known my involvement with you would be temporary, mostly for that reason.  it doesn't matter how HARD i believe we would make a dynamic, successful team together....as long as you believe you're "no good," that's how you'll act.

my main objective has been to love you and enjoy the happiness you bring me, while it lasts.  cuz, i've suspected all along that it could come to this point.  i don't know, nicky..you effect me.  you've gotten under my skin.  it now OFFICIALLY disturbs me to think of you spending time with....to think of you leading some double, freak-life.  it just doesn't feel honest to me.  i mean, not like i haven't known what you do.  but, something else i've known, though, is that, if it ever came to the point that i gave a **** about what you do, i'd have to learn to let go of you.  cuz, you ain't never gonna tell the truth and you ain't never gonna be faithful to ANY woman.

so, ****!!  it really sucks to be human, sometimes cuz i was really enjoying you.

i think you're just afraid to live.  i think i make you want to live and that (more than anything else) scares you.  but, whatever.  i've never been interested in trying to make you do ANYthing.  if indulging in my company is something you feel you have to fight; if you honestly prefer any woman's company over mine, at this point, i don't see how i could be anything more than an interference.

i have so many more things to say to you but i'm positive you don't actually care so i'll waste no more of my words.

 

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
1 Response Feb 13, 2007

How are YOU doing now?....over a year after you posted your story....your feelings........?