My Daughter In Law Hates Me...

This website is a great place to vent. I hope after reading what I write, I can sort thru this whole sordid affair. Right now I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown. It is day 7 since the wedding from Christendom's hell. I am still in a state of grief. Not because my youngest son married a girl our family has known since she was 13 years old, but because what was once a sweet happy girl is now a sullen, complaining, unhappy, depressed, mean acting, spoiled rotten young woman. And the thing is....she knows this, her mother knows this and even my son knows this. But no ONE will stop her from taking out her feelings on me...the dreaded mother in law. Even her own mother has scolded her for how mean she has treated me in public. Am I rude to her? No. Am I pushy or sulky if she doesn't agree with me? No, but I do express my opinion if it is something that is unthoughtful or unkind to me. If it is unthoughtful or unkind to someone else, I keep quiet, mainly because I can't fight other's battles. Also, I don't want to alienate her more than I have.

How I alienated her, I have no clue. She likes my husband because he never expresses an opinion or hears a thing that goes on, plus she never had a dad and he is a good substitute. I can always tell if I am going to have a good day with her or not by her body language. She either will approach me with a smile and openly talk OR she will not have a smile, not look at me when I speak, or talk unless asked a direct question. Even then she will pretend to not hear me half the time.

She is a girl that holds grudges. When going over the guest list, she limited the number our side of the family could invite. When I put down my best friends name, she objected because one time several years ago she claimed her mother who speaks poor english (she's spanish) was offended by something my friend said to her in passing. After much discussion, my son did stand up to her and remind her this was my best friend and that she should be invited. Discreetly, without telling my friend anything, I asked if she had met my future daughter in laws mother or if she had visited with her before? She said no, she hadn't, but that she would like to. My friend is a very sweet woman who would never hurt a fly. I have no idea what she could of done or said in passing to create such a grudge. But they don't get over things.

At the wedding, she did not want our side of the family to attend the photo session until it was our turn. Her family was going to be there, but we were only to be there during our turn. I had a daughter that married 10 years ago and we were all there for the pictures and it added to the joy of the occasion watching our kids take the pictures. Our son reluctantly agreed we could come after his older sister asked what is the deal? But he had to promise his new wife-to-be they would go outside after the wedding and privately take their own pictures. Which they did. She didn't even want to take pictures with me. My son had to suggest it. What a joy it was!.....NOT.

It is hard to believe I have known this young woman since she was 13. She is someone I don't know at all. Her control issues did not start with the wedding. She wanted to control the bridal shower, which she was not sponsoring or paying for, and  the personal shower, which she was not sponsoring. Both showers were gifts from our family. We did ask for a guest list for the personal shower and ran the decorations by her, but this was not good enough. When they took engagement pictures, we were never offered even a glimpse of them or the opportunity to purchase a copy.

After the wedding, She did not want us to see them open their gifts either, but decided we could see them open half of them...which they are suppose to do this week.

On top of all of this, She is a girl that has big legal baggage that is going to cause our son much anxiety in the near future, not to mention money he does not have, nevertheless, we supported their decision to marry. Yet, she has no appreciation for the sacrifice we are making to support them. We do not mention that sacrifice to her or them, either.

I can't trust her because of the way she has manipulated our son in the smallest of things, not to mention the larger ones, such as, she doesn't want him calling his sister very much because she doesn't like her either. (The sister and brother were abandoned children before we adopted them and have an extremely strong bond.) But she would like that to go away now. She was raised by a single mom and her father was abusive so she has trust issues anyway. My son excuses her bad behavior because of this. He thinks he will fix her. He is only 20 years old and has no clue you can't fix other people. My daughter in laws mother is very sweet and has great respect for me and my husband. She does not support her daughter's nastiness, but yet I know at some time she is going to begin to sympathize. Most mothers will. Because my husband sees nothing, hears nothing and knows nothing, I am experiencing this pain without much support. I just want to run away into the mountains and live as a hermit. Maybe then the pain will go away. I love my son so much and don't want to mar his happiness. I just want to fade away if that will help me bear this hurt I am feeling. I can't make her like me and with the way she holds grudges, this will not go away soon, if ever.....
jwmom7172 jwmom7172
56-60, F
30 Responses Aug 12, 2010

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Ask her to write a letter or email to you to tell you what is hurting her or what she needs from you. accept what it says. if she loved you once she will love you again.

I know exact how to feel,,I am so frustrated because I don't know what to do to make things tolerable for me and my husband!!

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I can't believe how manipulative and controlling a lot of women giving advice here are. The advice itself is a mere manipulation in an effort to retrieve control over your little boys. A mature mom in law will be wise, and try to build a healthy relationship with her son by accepting him as an adult man. You raised him. Why don't you trust him? He chose that woman. They might have issues, but their problems belong to them, and only to them. If you try to be friends with your daughter in law and try to accept her as a mom of your grand kids and a care taker of your son -- maybe, just maybe, she won't ignore you as much.
My mil never called. Never wants to see our kids. She came to my house once, complained about our house rules because I asked her to take the shoes off at the entrance due to Infants in the house, started mocking me and ignoring me or my baby, and saying that my husband is sexy and is HER baby. She also was passive aggressive to me all the time in those rare moments we would talk. I just wish I had a mature mil myself to forget about manipulation and Consentrate on healthy relationship and love in the family.
Good luck,

Where did this come from? Everything this mother-in-law has asked for is completely acceptable. I'm sorry if you've had a bad experience, but do you see how completely unacceptable your response is? Your response is coming out of the blue and does not relate to this mother at all.

I am dealing with a soon to be daughter in law that does not like me. She was given showers to with I was not invited. She refused a shower my family wanted to give to her. But did again to a shower given by my ex's side. I have not been include in the wedding plans at all and when I ask questions or ask how plans are going I get no response. The wedding is in 35 days. I received a call from my son asking for me to pay for the rehearsal breakfast but have not been told how many or how much per plate, I feel if I am paying I should have been able to host it or at least help plan it. I live pay check to pay check and expect it will be about $2000.00. I know I should have prepared better but have been asking for months what I can do. I do know my ex and his wife gave them a chuck of $ awhile back to do with what they wanted or the wedding. She has been very cold towards me since I first met her 3 years ago. I have tried so hard to get to know her. They only got engaged less then 8 months ago. I lost my job about that time and have been cleaning houses to get by. She comes from a well off family. And my ex makes very good money. At this point I cant even afford a dress to wear and the weeking is in a month. I dont know what to do?

Please note: My comment below beginning "I totally understand and sympathize with you" is addressed to "jwmom7172" (not "heartbroken").

I totally understand and sympathize with you. You should always realize that you are the better person and not let her childish, selfish behavior upset you. My situation is quite similar: I have a son in his late 30s, my only child and only living family member, and he was chased and trapped by a woman (18 months older than him) who got pregnant by him. I have seen my grandson only once after his birth in december 2012. They are engaged (without a set wedding date) and living together about 450 miles from me. She is controlling his life, does not work, takes expensive trips at my son's expense, and even makes him take care of the baby! He is very hardworking and basically goodnatured. This woman is exploiting him and hates me, although I have been very courteous to her, until 2 weeks ago, when I finally told her off--she sends me nasty text messages whenever they fight. She has not contacted me since then, so maybe showing a bit of backbone, being firm, might work for you as well. Let her know that she cannot treat you this way; you deserve respect! I wish you all the best.

Hmmmm, so many of these posts have the statement, "never thanked me." Perhaps just with a couple of words, so much anger and resentment might never build up. Who knows?

If I were ever to help with $$, I would state at the beginning, "I can afford XXXX. I can write you a check for that and I'm done." My parents did that to me for my wedding. They wrote me a check and I didn't go back for more, because that was not going to happen.

Whatever happened to my son? This is what I know. 1. We used to be very close. 2. He started getting angry (abusive) to me about 4 years ago. 3. He felt I was rude to his girl friend the first time I met her. I could see some of his points. However we were both so nervous about meeting each other.
When my son got back from being deployed I completely paid for the future daughter in law to take my place in welcoming him back. My health did not permit my travel. Neither of them ever thanked me.
As time past no matter what I did it was never right. At one point before his fiance moved to the east coast I had a "talk" with my son. I was fed up with his abusive behavior. He would not tolerate it from anyone else and I would not tolerate it from him. Things did improve for awhile.
When wedding plans started they were both working 2 jobs and saving like crazy to pay for it. I was so proud of them I ended up kicking in for the reception. Kicking in kept going on and on. I am disabled and this was a stretch for me. I worked so hard in helping them.
Before the wedding they were so thankful. I really thought things were going to be okay. No one else was helping. Not the brides parents or my sons father. Just me.
Then all hell broke lose. During the week of the wedding I was treated with constant rudeness. I just sucked it up and kept smiling. At one point my daughter asked, "so Mom you paid for so much and worked so hard what did Dad do?" My answer was "he wore a tux , got gold cuff links and got profusely thanked for coming." My daughter was dismayed.
Today I was pushed to the end of my rope when my son called me and said "The Mother in Law is not welcome to be with us."
Tomorrow I hear how bad my health situation is. Because I did not want to cause pre wedding drama they have to clue of this. After their lack of support through my 6 surgeries, the burns from a bad accident and the way I was treated during the wedding weekend there is no way they will ever be told.
So, if there is a 25 year old daughter in law out there who reads this please give me advice. I don't want sympathy. I made it clear already that they are on their honeymoon and I don't want to interfere. They are to ask if they want an opinion or help. WHAT TO THESE KIDS WANT FROM ME? All I want is decency and respect.

My son and daughter in law are fine. I have come to realize that I was being an overly reactive mother of the groom. If I could do one thing over again I would enjoy their wedding more. I wish I had just relaxed and gone along for the ride.
These two "kids" are great. I am very glad my daughter in law has decided what she feels comfortable calling me. I think it should be MILFH. Mother In Law From Hell. I say that tongue in cheek but I hope I am not.
I hope they have a long happy marriage. They are good people. They would be here for me if I ever really needed them. Our kids just have this habit of growing up and growing away from us Mom's. My kids were raised to be independent people. Now they are. it is time for this Mom to let go and get over myself.

Oh my gosh! This post could have been written by me! I want to tell my story but right now I have to get ready for work. Keep an eye out because I will post later. I DESPERATELY need input! Thank you!

you aren't alone. trust me your son will soon see it . give him time. I had to put up with samething for 5 years (to day is 5 years) but finaly my son open his eyes, I hopy you son open his eyes sooner them my son. Good luck and know god is watching everyone of us.

My son has his GF living in my home...She wont talk to me and doesn't want me around son is my only family.She acts out everytime I take them out to dinner or take them to the movies or go shopping at walmart and buy them things.I bought her about 20 presents for Christmas.......all things she loves and she never said tthankyou.....I even bought gifts for her two sisters.and no thankyous...Ive let the two of them be together all the time.......I stay upstairs to allow them there space...I have yelled about how horrible they keep it downstairs(I just bought this house)...They eat downstairs and there are plates with food dried on them that they bring upstairs and drop in my sink for me to wash...Im talking a weeks worth of dishes.....I know I handled this the wrong way but I cant go back and change it.She wont talk to me at this point.......I say hello and she storms by me and goes to the basement(the yelling happened a month ago).I let her sisters come here and they don't talk to me either.My son and I sneak around to spend any time together..This past month that has happened once.....I took him out to dinner while she worked .She has found a way to not include me in going out with them to dinner..the movies or shopping at walmart and acts like ive done something horrible to her..I am the easiest person in the world to get along with.Im a nurse and paying the bills here...I know its jealousy but this is killing me.......Im afraid to say anything at this point because she twists what I say to make me out to be some horrible villain..
This is my home and its unfair Im feeling like this here.....Ive never in my life dreamed Id want my son to leave(I bought this house because he loved it)but I feel like Im heading that way.
Ive been going to my friends house and spending the night with her.....Im seeing a counselor....What else can I do??She is not going to work with me like I read in articles.....she thinks its me..........what it is about is son and I love each other...We went through a ton of stuff together after his father died.We love the same food and are essentially are identicle in personality.....Ive got his back financially while she cant find a job..Im really trying to stay out of there business and be supportive to them going out and doing things together..My son knows she is controlling and that she has a history of not getting along with whoever she lives with.She will blatently say she hates people.and the only friends she has are on a computer..
To sum it up.......I know it isn't me and I cant change her..I get along with very difficult people that no one else can get along with...What Id love to have with a daughter in the daughter I never had......Id love to take her out to lunch.....go shopping with her......etc.....But the big question is how to get there..

The mother of 3 sons. The oldest is the only one married. They married last June. The summer before when that got engaged my daughter inlaw spent a lot of time with me. Once she got the ring she pulled away. The wedding was all her family. We were not invited to take part in much at all. Never speaks to me. Unless I speak first. No happy Mothers day, Birthday or Merry Christmas. I had oral surgery in December not once did she check on me. I made my mind up that I would not inner fear or cause one bit of problems. I stay away. Give them their time. I feel like I can do no right. I always looked forward to having a daughter inlaw. Now I walk on egg shells. I love them both every much. I just want her to want to love me. I would like her to make an effort to know me.

This is very much like one of my DILs. She is the most fake person I've ever known. As soon as she got the ring, she became competitive, even paranoid. I feel for you.

Oh my goodness! This is my story too. I blamed myself and berated myself for not being a better person. She said I was a better, old hag! It makes me feel better to hear so many stories and that maybe, just maybe it isn't me.

up date... Not much has changed. They are expecting their first child and I still walk on egg shells.So hard to get excited about the baby. I am so scared she will not let me see it much.

my daughter in law hates son married her about 3 years ago he allready has 3 children from another woman and just had another child from this wife.she has shut the whole family out.the 3 grandchildren that i helped raise for 5 years im not aloud to see and the new one she just had will be 1 soon im yet to see her.when my son comes over to see me its short and sweet he never has the children with him .when i try to talk to him about why im not aloud at his house he says simply that his wife dont like me and doesnt have to like me.he does bring the two oldest boys over for 5 mins after practice and there told not to tell there step mother that they saw me.i have tryed everything from apologizing for anything i have ever said or did.and i dont recall nothing i have did.the children are afraid to have there picture taken from there real mom on there weekends with her.they say there afraid there step mom might get angry.if i see my grandchildren in wallmart with there step mom they will look up at her quickly and put there heads down.butt when there with there mom they come running to me with open arms and son is in the military and not home alot.i might get to see the oldest 3 1 time every 3 months.and the youngest i fear i will never get to son threatens that if i befriend there real mom so i can see the children that he will never come around me again.he took me t his house one time when his wife was at work so i could see his new home butt the children were in school at the year at christmas he was in afganastain my husband and i stoppped by his house with christmas presents i knew not to go in so i was unloading the gifts from the truck and my husband was taking them inside when she saw me she ran out and got in my face and told me to leave her property i was in tears butt got in the truck and waited on my husband to get done.he told her that it was uncalled for and walked back to the grandchildren was watching the whole time.there ages are 6,5,4 and soon a 1 year rips my heart out every time i think about them.i have ask the children why they dont say hi to me when there with there step mom and they say they dont want to get in very depressed over the whole thing i cry daily in the shower so my husband doesnt know.he was getting very angry with my son so i started hiding my feelings from my husband i love my son deeply and my so sorry for any mother who has to go threw what i have sorry for throwing it all out there like that i just needed to vent

She seems extremely insecure and that's making her very hateful. Your sons children deserve a loving, confident step-mom, so they can enjoy the love and security an extended family can give then. Unfortunately, I don't see what you can do about that. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Makes me think about where things are heading with my son and grandkids...My son wont ever hate me though or shut me out...Im hoping he sees the light before there are kids involved........I went in the hospital depressed over the situation..The thought that got me there was......She is going to make it difficult for me to see my son and my grand essentially I will be alone because my son is all I have as far as family.

Hi Mom in law,you sound like a hard working honest lady.I am speaking from a DIL point of view ,I went into this website to try and figure out why my MIL trys to control me,You are not been honest .You don,t like your son,s wife,you may never!However if mother in law could only give me one compliment or some sign of acceptance,i would open up to her let down your ego gave your DIL some love,,remember your son loves her .

My son's wife is one terrific women. She is so committed and hard working. I swear I have never scene a more drop dead gorgeous bride. I hope they have a long happy life together. Eventually they will settle down and hopefully things will improve. For now they have to find their way.
Hopefully the treatment during the wedding was just wedding jitters. I am going to give them the benefit of the doubt.
This is my son's choice of a wife and I respect that. (plus I do love and respect her!) We may differ in our views in life but I keep it zipped. However, just because I am not Catholic does not mean I am a bad person. I love my church. At the end of the day our views are similar. Please don't treat me like a heathen. DIL.
Please both of you remember that I am always here for you. No matter what happens I will always love you both.
So, Ellenmc there are MIL who try to do the right thing. But we MIL have feelings too and it hurts to get kicked in the teeth.

All I can say is - I'm there and "HELP!"

I have had a stroke becalse of the stress my mother in laws put on us and for my health i refuse to fight with her . my life is worth more than me dying over her mess . so the day i had my stroke becalse i let my anger get me her and i got into it and it caused me to have a stoke i almost died . i choose not to fight with her . i know she wants me out of her sons life she told him she would make him pay for marrying me . i didnt do any thing to her or anything ,i only wanted her to like me . i tryed too hard the first few years and i wont try any more good luck JW.

I am so sorry JW,<br />
I feel your pain your blog is almost written about my life but its my mother in law where you wrote daughter in law , my mother in law never gave me a chance on having a relationship from the first day I met her she wanted to take my daughter and adopt her . not knowing me what kind of mother I was . shes hurt her son and me sents the day we got married 2005 ive given up on having a mother in laww and daughter in law relationship with her she dont want it so ive had to let it go . its hard becalse my husband really loves his mother even though he sees what a controler she is and its sad but shes also very toxic to be around . I am like you I dont know how to make her like me let lone love me so ive given it to god its all i cant do the pain shes caused me and her son and our daughter is so deep . i do my best to let it go i cant change who she is i have to find a way to eccept her .but i dont eccept the way shes treated us and i wont let her do that any more . but at the same time if she was to call in the middle of the night needing us we would be there. but we wont let her use us ever again . I am so sorry what your going threw there are no winners in this mess . i cant fix it only eccept her for who she is . its just so sad what your going threw .

@SadMadMom- Be careful when talking about laws requiring third party visitation. As one who has worked in domestic realtions law for years, I have seen third parties try to force visitation by taking the parents to court, only to have their rights as well as any future access to the minor children denied. The court tends to interpret such an action as controlling and meddlesome unless the third party can prove that the parents are some how neglectful and unfit, which is relatively hard to do. Please dont turn to legal action unless that is the case, bc it will most likely do the opposite of what you want. Have you tried asking the mom for some form of supervised visitation? (example: you and she take kids to park) It may make her feel more in control and more comfortable.

I know your pain! My son and daughter in law have been married almost 12 years. They have a son who is just like MY son! It doesn't change honey. My husband and I have been generous, flexible and considerate. All she thinks about is HER family. My son had an opportunity to take a job (he is a pharmacist) with a company in Maryland. She threatened to break up with him if he took the job because she had to be close to her family. Now she complains because he has a job where he has to work every other weekend. I love my son and grandson and will put up with her because of them. My only revenge (and I hate to be this way) is that someday her son will be older and my prayer is that he will move as far away as possible. I want to see her cry like I did. It's my birthday and she is mad at my son because he wants to visit me instead of going to a birthday party for a distant, distant cousin. Hang in there, wait, your time will come and hold onto your son, because you do not want to lose him.

If you are not allowed to see your grand-children I suggest you check to see if your state has<br />
Grand-parents Rights. Colorado does and that means my children MUST let me see the grand-children. <br />
<br />
I totally agree with the comment that you can not change another person, we can only change our reactions to them. And we can pray for them.<br />
<br />
I also believe that if you write a journal it will help you deal with this person. Write one for your self and say what you REALLY feel. Then write a daily journal for your grand-children and you son letting them know much you love them. It would really help you.<br />
<br />
We all have to learn to "let it go" matter what that really means. If we can not change our sons, we need to change ourselves.<br />
<br />
That is very hard, but even in the early morning hours we still cry for the loss we feel. <br />
<br />
Somehow we need to get past that and move on with our lives and find something that makes us happy. We did our jobs as parents....we can't parent them any longer.<br />
<br />
Prayers to you!

I love your suggestions &lt;3

My daughter in law is a terrible person. She has now forbidden her two children age 5 and 13 to talk to me when they see me. I did nothing to provoke her yet she insists that I steal from my son and lie all the time. She never gives me a chance to explain myself and she is extremely rude and nasty to me while revering her family. <br />
My son supposedly has a high i-q yet he fails to see how she is manipulating him and causing him to lose all contact with his very small family. His sister no longer talks to them because although they are god parents to her baby they refused to attend his first birthday because I would be there. WHat should I do? I work in the same office building as they do and we do not talk to each other.

I would ignore her stuff when she is accusing you and just be civil otherwise to keep the door open to my son. You won't be able to convince him, it works against us when we try to. They do fail to see, that is for sure, and it will be in his own time that he will. Nothing we can do to make that happen at all. When someone accuses us, we all want to defend or explain ourselves, it is done to put you on the defensive. I spent a lot of time with my son's girl doing that to me, and just don't buy into it and explain. Just say No I did not. Or just ignore it. Ignored behavior goes away, they say.

Reading your letter was like a mirror image of what I'm going through with my daughter inlaw. so I can feel for your hurt. My 32 yer old son married a 42 year old woman and although the age difference, at first her and I got on wonderfully. They lived in another state and when my grandson was born wanted me to move closer. I gave up my home, friends and security and moved. As soon as I got here my daughter inlaw started trouble. Anyway to cut a long story short, it turned out that she didn't really want me here and definately didn't want a mother inlaw as a friend. Now my son won't speak to me at all and I haven't seen my grandson for over 4 months. I found out that they are now moving to another state 2500 kilometres away. I will never see my son or grandson again and I don't know why. My son and I had such a close relationship. She has also systematically over the last 2 years removed my son from his friends and all other family members. He just doesn't seem to see what is happeneing and blames everyone else for leaving him.

I shudder at what it might take for my son to realize the kind of person he is with, regarding the witholding and trouble, and reading your post I'm so sad you are going thru this, it sounds like he was set up by her. She saw him and got him. Right now, tho, he is in her spell or web. And she systematically cuts ppl out, that is how my future dil is. Who knows what she told him or what he started thinking, but it isn't your fault,. Hope he will realize someday that she has isolated him, and is a control freak. Keep telling your son you love him and don't make any rash moves toward trying to see your grandchild, because then she will use it as a more of a reason for even more to happen. It is very hard for ppl with a controlling partner to realize it. Takes a long time to but it does cause pain eventually, and will strain their marriage. Hopefully he will want to someday leave her if she doesn't change, but always be supportive now, as well as you can, so that he knows you are there for him. When he does decide someday to leave, if he does, he will need everyone's support. Women like this can ensnare financially and use kids as pawns against the husband. Since she is already doing that to you, if and when their marriage turns, she will also do it to him. It keeps men locked in, some wait til their kids are 18 to finally go. But it is very serious, what is going on for him, from the sounds of it. If you mention it your son will probably think you are crazy right now, so learn what you can, about controlling relationships, and do nothing but give love and try to stay in touch with your son and his family, somehow.

my son is married to a German girl. From day one she has shown her dislike for me. When we met her parents before their wedding she ignored us. The wedding was in England four years ago at Woburn abbey. A great day. Her mother barely spoke to me. When my daughter visits which is no more than twice a year, staying as short a time as possible she is indifferent to me. I am exceptionally friendly and generous, but she finds fault.<br />
What can I do to make her like me? My son is holding a very busy job and it seems he is running his home. Shopping cleaning cooking. She teaches and her excuse is marking work! She still findstime for girlie holidays whilst my son is left at home. What can I do?/

Seems some women do that barely acknowledge thing from the git go because really they just want to cut you out and have your son. To themselves. I empathize. I gather from all I've read, to hold your tongue, don't say a bad word, and keep reaching out being nice. In the meantime, just keep solid with your son. For myself, I realize over time, I can fall into worry about the whole situation and I guess that is insecurity and uncertainty, and that can cause me to desperately need to contact him. So try not to let that take over, for you. To dils that is always criticized, even tho we are dying inside and need to know that our son's relationship with us is OK. But it is a bad cycle that can result from this kind of situation, and isn't good for us emotionally, as humans. Took me years to realize my pattern with it, too. Ignore her fault finding, just expect it and ignore it. I have found if I speak to it, then all hell breaks loose from her and so that is a lose lose situation. It's very hard to always take the high road and grin and bear mistreatment.

I can't get over how much your story is like mine except we haven't gotten to the wedding yet. It is in May. My DIL to be actually tried to keep one of my friends (the sweetest one I have) from being invited to the wedding also. She said she made a comment that offended her... wow! Can't get over how much the story matches. My son's MIL to be is very nice and knows her daughter can be nasty and entitled. She has usually been the target for the anger. When I saw this side of my son's fiance, I was not surprised, but I was very sad. I cried for months - literally almost every day - and I am a psychotherapist who had to go to work every day and try to help others with their issues. I was falling apart. In the end, I decided to do everything I could do to make sure my relationship with my son is as solid as it can be. When this all comes crashing down on him and he realizes he can't fix her and he stops enabling her, he will need support. I intend to be there. So sorry for what you are going through. I hope things get better. Blue in Nc

There is nothing you can do in these situations. I know - I have the same thing going on with my son and his wife who have been married 17 years. She is only friendly to me when they begin fighting and she wants an ally. This has happened two or three times in their marriage. This summer she began complaining about him and saying that she hated him and was ready to leave him, etc.<br />
I at first listened and told her how sad that made me and that I hoped they could work everything out.<br />
Finally, I had to ask her to please not tell me any more because it was too upsetting and I could not take sides. Since then she does not communicate with me except by email and in her emails says that there is nothing wrong (I had asked her if I did anything to offend her - via email because she screens my calls and will not speak directly to me). She has a daughter (my only grandchild) and she (the daughter-in-law) will try her best to avoid letting me see her. I send emails asking when would be a good time and get no reply until I ask my son. Then the daughter-in-law will tell<br />
me when I can come (via email) but with many, many caveats. I just try to not think about it because there<br />
is nothing you can do when the daughter-in-law controls her husband (your son) through their<br />

I am sorry to hear about losing your son. I am still sorting thru this whole thing, but the one thing I have concluded is that what our sons do or fail to do will affect us regardless of the new inlaw. Loving a wife does not mean no longer loving the ones that gave them life, home, history and future. What is at the root of the pain is the idea the one we love has somehow forgotten their love for their family. By catering to their new spouse, they are reinforcing the bad behavior and lack of love or respect for the husbands history and past. Recently, I had a discussion with my son's new wife and she let me know that she feels our personalities clash. I disagree because I have known her since she was 13 and until she formally started dating our son, she was a sweetheart. She knew me well. When I reminded her of some of the good times we had without my son present, she somehow had forgotten all of them. She said she didn't like my personality. I reminded her that if I didn't have the personality I have, I would never had the strength to adopt our son/her new husband or given him the life he had. I told her instead of resenting me consider learning to appreciate my strengths which I will always use for her and my son. I hope she does, at least there was some talking. I was able to tell her too that she needs to think about making her husband happy. She was startled by that and replied, "My husband is very happy!" I told her I agree, but if everytime he wants to spend time with his family he has to deal with the fact she was unhappy to go or resentful, it would make him stressed and in time unhappy. I asked her, how would you feel if her husband made her feel that way when she wanted to visit her mom. (Golden Rule) This past Thurs. night they came for supper and even though she was a little on guard and quiet at least she was not rude and did speak when we tried to engage her in conversation. It is a beginning.........I recommend you try and speak privately with your son. Find a way to contact him and then allow him to show his love to you. I wish you the best.

my son married ,had a daughter and i ve never seen him again for nearly two yrs .talk about hurt and disappointed..his wife doesnt like me and has no reason really ,as they havent been together that long son and i was very close but he was made to chose or else ..its sad ,as i never dreamed id lose a child to marriage long will this go on ..i dont know ..she puts me down to everyone that will listen out of ideas and have tired many times to talk it out ,write emails ,go to their house only to be told she will call the law etc ..even my mom ,his grandma hasnt seen him ..its all about her and her family ..very sad ,,these daughters and daughter in laws need to realize one day they will have kids and this very thing may happen ..karma is something! but in the mean time ,,my sons absence feels like a death .

That's why she doesn't like you, because you were very close with your son. You can't give her the confidence and maturity she lacks. You're at the mercy of her pettiness.

I want to thank both of you for commenting. I need the feedback and both of you are right. All day I have literally went from minute to minute changing emotions. Our son called his dad to tell him they want to wait a couple of weeks before opening gifts with us. I felt relieved, yet hurt. Right now my emotions are so raw I need to have space too. I need to not feel like the wicked witch of the west. DiamondintheDark is right, I need to be more like my husband. I have always been the one who had their finger on the pulse of the family. It worked well when raising kids because I was with them the most, but now, I would really like to be oblivious. I do want a life...go on with life...I just need to heal and calm down....Thanks for taking the time to write me. I needed that.

Good job jwmom... be cool, hang in there, There are many bumps in the road ahead. These are battles that are a waste of time. give her positive feedback, tell her how wonderful she is and how great she looks even if you hate what she is wearing. It will set a positive note and she won't feel attacked. All the best.

My dear, you can't do just nothing about the problem you have. I wish if you could behave like your husband, for your own sake... Maybe you should try to redefine your thinking, don't go to a pass. Try to be calm, and try to show your self in a manner that she don't exist for you... she is so young as your son is. One day he will be a man not a blind young guy. Just try to take it easy... She know exactly what she is doing and its like a nasty entertaining to her.<br />
If you get calm, and stop notice her things will turned 360oC. She will feel her self worthless and it will make her after while to think deeper about situation. It will took time but it might work. <br />
If it does not - till that time you will stop carrying about it.<br />
I wish you good luck and lot of nerve. You need them all. Take care - stay calm it will help you and it will shake her.

I agree diamond!

Stay cool mother-goose. Turn the other cheek with a smile! She will see the difference in you and she will respond differently. You can NOT change how she behaves, you can only change how you react!
If you push her or try to push your way in, she will pull back and push you out even harder. Let her find her place in the family with her husband your son and you need to let him go and be HER husband.

He is your son, but from afar now. SMILE, love your own husband and go and make love not war!