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Estranged From Son & Dil

Every since my son met his now wife she has not tried to become part of our family. It appears it's been her goal to create "their" family to the exclusion of us. That would be fine if she did the same with HER parents and family. But NO - they are great and we're nothing. Mothers of sons are penalized for having sons - they cannot share the birth of their grandchildren or other events. Her mother is the important one. I fault my son for not having the courage to face up to her and say " try to be nice to my Mom - she's not here that often". My only goal is to enjoy the grandchildren and have fun with them. Take them on trips and have them visit with us. My son has not allowed me to visit on many occasions when I've been in town - giving lame excuses even putting training their dog before me. I have bit my toungue many times to not say anything critical - yet they don't hesitate to criticize my husband and I. . I don't know the reasons - whenever I ask - he says nothing is wrong and yet his wife told my husband she doesn't like me, I am beneath her and am not welcome in their home! No reason. I did a bad thing recently and didn't control my temper and wrote my son a poison pen email - I realize I shouldn't have but at this point I had nothing to lose - they were ignoring me and treating me terribly. My DIL unfriended me on Facebook so I can't see photos of the children. I resorted to Facebook because I had asked her to send me photos many times and she never did. Now I have no way to watch them grow. I'm trying to get over it but it's not easy. I tried to speak with him but he doesn't call back. I suppose I'll have to wait until perhaps they realize they made some mistakes in the situation.
LuLuF LuLuF 61-65, F 13 Responses Sep 19, 2012

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My DIL takes umbrage at the smallest things and will not
welcome any of our family into the house of my son and herself. We have all been ostracised. She won't speak to anyone in her own family either. Everyone in the family has tried to help and support my son and DIL when possible and they have had lots of financial help. MY DIL told me recently that she didn't like me and didn't want to see me anymore. I am not an interfering MIL and have done nothing to justify this. My DIL is from a different country and culture and seems to think it's OK to behave like this. I am very concerned for my son who is a kind and loyal man, but has to put up with her controlling influence to the extent of ostracising his family.

I realize this post is quite old and I hope you are still on the forum, LuLuF. You could be me and I could be you. It's amazing to me that so many of our stories are interchangeable. Of course I do not believe for a moment, as one of the posters here does, that so many of us have done the sort of egregious things that may truly justify our vilification and exclusion from our son's lives. With that said, I wonder if any of you have other family members that are in touch with your sons. My family is. My mother and sister say that my son has done nothing to them and they do not want to give up their relationship with him to take a stand and support me. I haven't seen my son in over a year and I think I am finally coming to terms with the likely possibility that I will never see him again (and even if I did our relationship will never be the same). What is keeping me from true happiness right now is knowing that my family continues to see my son and dil (my sister told me she went on a hike with them recently), while I am left out. My sister tells me she hopes that I "feel her love for me" but I don't. I just feel alone and left out. Have any of you experienced this?

I also have other family members with their heads in the sand. My DIL can turn every single thing into some kind of offense. My DIL "interprets" my intentions and re-creates her own perception as truth. She changes facts as needed to support her "perception" and my son blindly believes and supports every deception, even when my husband supports and verifies the facts that I present. A psychologist told my husband to keep the door open in case our son figures it out one day. They have limited communication, but it is on good terms. My in-laws were barely present in my son's life as he grew up and now they have readily replaced us as his parents. My husband will defend me (I'm the main target), but he isn't proactive. My other sons have little contact, but they are still on his good list. It's not their problem and nobody wants to talk about it. I haven't seen my son in almost 3 years. We were a close family, involved and loving parents and supported his goals to a high level of success. He was an amicable, honest, intelligent, peacemaker, inclusive, mature young Christian man who was highly respected in our community when he left for college. Now he just spews at me. I feel so alone and my family doesn't seem to understand what this is doing to me. My DIL can't even show simple common courtesy and it's okay for her to say any demeaning, condescending comment or untruth that she cares to pour down from her pedestal. My son joins the attack in full support, but if I dare defend myself, I am "playing the victim." She absolutely has no care to move forward, forgive, or even explain to me what I have actually done to her to receive such venom. No one likes how things are, but no one cares enough to simply stand up for what is right. They carry on their various relationships with him and I am reminded that I am no longer worthy of inclusion. I cry in church every Sunday, no matter how hard I fight it or try to distract myself. I have had to push him outside of my heart just to survive, and that is so opposite me. I try to be kind and find joy and humor in life--but depression overtakes me.

This is so familiar! At first she would attend some functions, slowly but surely she stopped. Now she's pregnant and has lied to get me out of his life.

Sorry for your situation. I thought the needier the kids are the more love you get. I guess that's only if you keep GIVING them money and things. I am trying to make my peace with myself but will never understand the situation since no one will TELL me - there is just avoidance. My husband doesn't give a damn and has caused problems that I am paying the price for - OH well. I guess I'm stuck with the situation. The only advice I can give you is to look for activities and people that make you happy and don't cause drama. Good luck.

I totally understand your situation, sounds almost like mine. I have only one son, 31 years old, and the daughter in law from hell, i have five grandkids, I have always helped her with money and anything she wanted over and over and over. Then i put her on my phone, big mistake, she rang up 500 dollar phone bill, which i just paid off. I had to cut it off, then i got horriffic emails calling me every filty name in the book, i cant even pronounce some of the names i have been called. i have not talked to my grandkids, she told me i am no longer a grandmother and go to hell. my heart is so so sad and i am fighting horrible depression and my son wont call me back either. i dont know what to do, but pray for all of them and ask God for help.

While visiting my Navy son in San Diego requested by his wife for my daughter and myself to attend his retirement party. The party took place and on our last nite being with my son we asked to stay all nite with them in their home instead of the hotel which we had been staying til his wife took out and made it very clear we were NOt welcomed in her home and called what she called a "Melt down". She made my son and my daughter and myself feel not wanted and todate 7 mos later she has never apologized to us and is the type of person whatever Karin wants her way or its the highway. I've discussed with my son and he states she cares about his family but sure has a funy way showing and we as his family feel like she's trying to separate him from his family. He knows too well how I feel and says we his wife and I need to talk but how do you talk to someone that wants nothing to do with his family or even apologizes to us. Please advise.

Your son is the only one who make things right. As you do not want to cause arguments between them there is a respect level that needs to be valued. It seems women of today are the \"my way or the high way types\". Not sure what happened to MEN. I believe if a man isn\'t good to his mother he isn\'t worth a damn. I raised my sons better than that. One is loyal the other is selfish. Although, the loyal one needs help - when he was married he was the one who got the kids to call and remembered holidays, etc. His wife claimed it was her - but now that they are not married - where are the calls??? Selfish, insecure witches!

Thank you all for your responses and support. It's nice to have a place to express feelings with people who are experiencing the same problems. I had hopes of obtaining a "daughter" when our sons married and instead received selfish - self centered ME ME's. We raised our sons to be caring, loving and respecful with lots of hugs. Not sure why they chose their spouses - they don't seem to fit. Our oldest is divorced - not surprised - the children are being alienated from us with the "village" of her family. Hopefully some day they will realize and remember the good times and come back to us. Our youngest granddaughter has been communicating a little - baby steps - don't care about seeing the DIL's but miss our sons and grandchildren. Some day!!! Keep the faith and love you all.

I am new to the forum. We also have a DILFH. We have a 3 year old grandson we've seen a handful of times. It is like our son can't take his "balls out of her purse" and quit being reined in from her at her beck and call. I am reading a book titled "A son is a son til he gets a wife." Not sure if anyone here has read the book, but it is written by Anne Killinger who has faced the same situation with her son. A real eye opener, one that I can relate to. I have much to share with all of you and, like you, need all the support and guidance I can get. Our son has estranged himself from dad and I. He was raised with love, good morals, hugs, etc. This has been one of the most excruciating experiences I have dealt with.

I am experiencing the same situation and feelings, LuLuF. Isn't it terrible for our sons to treat us like this ... and to allow their wives to treat us like this. Isn't is a shame that they gravitate the wife's family and the son's family is left out in the cold. Whatever happened to resecting your parents for what they've done for you? For them now, it's "me-me-me" and what's important for "me." Whatever happened to doing something nice for someone because it would mean alot, even if it is a sacrafice on their part?

Like you, I sent him the email but got no response. I'm sure he will call when he needs something. And, too, I will just have to wait until they (hopefully) realize they made some mistakes in my situation too. Take care LuLuF, I hope and pray that your situation gets better soon. :)

It's normal for a young couple to start their own family with their own traditions. You made a giant mistake in writing that email. Apologize for the email without any excuses and blaming and you may once again get to see your grand children grow up.

I agree with you that a young couple need to start their own family with their own traditions. Why are those traditions without the son's parents? I respectfully ask why should the MIL apologize when the son or wife have not? By the MIL apologizing the son and wife think they win and can continue to behave the way they have been.

Thank you, anonmil, for saying pointing this out. The thirties generation seems to be extremely narcissistic, which includes a lack of respect for their elders and others and also a complete inability to be empathic, compassionate, or even caring. These young adults are totally absorbed in themselves and seem to behave as if they arrived here alone and raised themselves. Enough already with people shaming the parents and holding them responsible for fixing all rifts in the relationship with their adult children. This is not helping this generation in taking responsibility for their own behavior, being their best selves, or being and becoming healthy individuals that can contribute in a meaningful way to our society. In constantly pandering to them we are only reinforcing their very shameful behavior.

This sounds like where I am headed with my DIL. I have to also blame my son because he allows her to make the decisions and he abides by her wishes. They do not have kids yet and he does not seem to be in a hurry for them so I can only hope that she ends up riding into the sunset with someone else beforehand. I never thought I would wish for a divorce for one of my children......

I understand how you feel Grasmithey. In my case, I can really see this happening. DIL is very Type A, strong willed, opinionated and independent and 8 years older than my son. My husband even said that he could see a split happening if things get bad. It's like she got her wedding, now has her baby, we can see her saying I don't need anything else. I hope it does't happen. In your case there's no babies, so I totally understand your thoughts. You never want to wish your kids bad things, but sometimes it may be for the best. Hang in there Grasmithey.

I wish for the same thing. LOL!

No, I don't "force" myself on them. I would simply like to know what I have done that caused such an estrangement. I have looked into my self numerous times and know of a few things that could be perceived as negative - but nothing to cause such an attitude from the DIL or my son. They are just insecure and selfish. So be it! Can't change it! They hold the children hostage and like to feel superior. I will never beg to be in their lives. If they don't see any value - it's time to move on. It will always be a heartache - like losing a child - the pain never goes away. Thank you for your response.

Again, I agree LuLuF, it's like whatever I do to try to be thoughtful and nice is misinterpreted into "intrusion." I just can't do anything right in their lives. I feel your pain, I too am suffering. The tears come at a moments notice. No, they don't see any value or need for me.

Amen. Thankfully somebody understands this. And why are so many people rewarding their terrible behavior?

I know that this probably isn't what you want to hear right now, but they probably have a reason for what they are doing. You should try some introspective thought on your own behaviors. My own parents ended up getting a court order for my paternal grandmother to stay away from my siblings and me because they never wanted her around and she was trying to force herself into our lives, much like it sounds like you are doing to them. The key is that they have the right to not spend time with you. You can't force it, you can only try to give them reasons to want to.

Michelleathome, children need to respect and honor their parents for their love and support given to their childred all their lives. Parents are the ones who have raised and nurtured their children into the adults others marry. Doesn't that deserve love and respect? In my situation, I feel like she says, "He's mine now, I don't have to play nice anymore. Now stay away." Conversely from what you say, perhaps sons and DILs need to do some introspective throughts on how they have contributed to my situation. Why is it always the parents (or in my case MIL) that need to change behaviors? Again, what happened to respect and honor of elders?

Yes, yes, yes! You sound like a troll, michelleathome. If you are not, and you are really interested in the subject, pick up some books on the subject of narcissism. I really enjoyed \"The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists\" by Eleanor D. Payson. There is also a book entitled \"The Narcissism Epidemic\" by Jean M. Twenge. This is a serious problem and the solution does not lie with the parents.