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He's Getting Better, But I'm Getting Worse....

I have a depressed boyfriend.  He used to be really bad and never wanted to leave the house.  Now he is feeling much better and will actually go out with me and socialize.  I am a pretty social person.  I consider myself to be very slightly depressed but but not severely, it's nothing i want to go on medication for I just think I'm not a very happy person by nature but I still find ways to enjoy life and have fun.  Some days it's worse than others, some days I feel fine.  

So anyway, he's been getting way better but it's still really hard to deal with, he likes to sit around and watch tv all day and i'm getting into that routine too.  he gets really jealous for no reason and causes scenes at parties cuz he thinks other guys are hitting on me or i'm flirting with people but i'm not i just like to meet people!!! But as i said he has been improving on that, i just hate that he drives people away from me.

All my friends say I should leave him cuz it's bringing me down but i just don't know if he could get through this on his own, he's been hurt a lot in the past and i don't want to add to the list. I also do really care about him and i have a lot of love for him, and he's a really nice guy.

also i think part of the reason i put up with it is that dealing with his issues help me not have to focus on my issues.  Any advice or thoughts would be really appreciated. 
purple613 purple613 18-21, F 1 Response Feb 21, 2011

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I'm sorry to hear that you are in such a tough position. In a way I too used to be in a similar situation as yourself. I personally have never been depressed but my now ex boyfriend (broke up 3 months ago after 4 years) has been visibly depressed (he told me so) starting 2 years ago. Back then- when I first started noticing him acting strange cuz of the depression- I can remember one time when I lovingly placed my hand on his shoulder & he flipped out. He also has been suicidal on & off for the past year and a half. We went through a lot of up & downs over the years due to his depression & lack of willingness to deal with it. Over the past year his 'bad' behavior towards me had dramatically grown worse to the point where it became hard to tolerate & overlook. Don't get me wrong, he was a great guy & good boyfriend- we shared a lot of love, but when he was bad he was really bad. He was constantly negative. When he went to his 5 yr high school reunion in June he complained that he didn't like any one that went- he said they were all football jocks (which he was too in high school) or they were ditsy girls who were knocked up.

When talking about his work place, he said that walking into work was like walking into hell & that talking to me over his half hour lunch break every day was the only time all day at work that he would smile. Many times he told me that he felt worthless & that he was a burden to me, that he was a bad boyfriend, that he was a f*** up, that he might as well give up, that he was a fat piece of s***, that he was bringing me down, and that if I left him I would at least have a shot at finding happiness. He constantly put himself down & I constantly had to rebuild his self-worth. Often his self hatred turned outward towards me where he would belittle me by saying things like, "You should say something positive for once in your f***ing life," "You couldn't possibly ever get good at basketball cuz it's too late for you to start, basketball is hard, but golf, now that is something that you could be good at," "b****," and often when we were having a conversation about something important he would turn it into insulting me- listing things that he saw as my flaws.

For the past half year of our relationship there would be a pattern of him being mean & rude to me, followed by him immediately apologizing profusely only to repeat the pattern. His depression created an emotional dollar coaster for me. Not long before I broke up with him, I recall telling him that it seemed as though the only emotions he had were: anger-apathy. He had an anger problem from the very start of our 4 yr relationship. It got better over time but still remained a prob. the entire time. The second to last time I saw him (back in late June) I was visiting his little town where he lived with his parents. As I was leaving, he randomly got angry over something dumb & he flipped over his heavy desk chair out of anger, flinging the items in the chair to the ground. Then he stormed out of the room. Other times he punched walls, doors, and desks. He never was physically abusive but he was verbally abusive & if I would have stayed it very well could have escalated into physical abuse. After that incident while I drove home, he left numerous voice messages on my phone saying that his actions were unforgivable and that he was very sorry, that he didn't want to lose me cuz he had lost his temper. He said that he realized that by those actions, he was alienating the one person that he loved & the one person that was keeping him from killing himself.

On that note- there were various times that he was suicidal where I talked him out of it. I tried getting him to seek professional help but I didn't get anywhere with that. After I broke up with him, he told me that I had been great to him, that at times he had made it hard on me, that this wasn't personal but that he needs to take this time to be selfish and to figure himself out. Not long after that he de-friended me on Facebook & then mutual friends had told me that he had verbally bashed me on Facebook saying that his soul was rooting & dying & that I was the reason for that. He said that I had talked badly of his family & friends. He said that many nights he had to console me when I cried about the man that I wanted him to be. 98% of what he had said was outright lies and some things were even things that he had done. It made me mad that after all I've done for him, after all the nights that I've repaired his self worth, after all the nights that I've talked him out of suicide, all the times I forgave him when he verbally lashed out at me... I was a great girlfriend to him & great to his family and this is what I get in return. Not that long ago he had told me that if not for me he probably would have killed himself long ago. During our very last interaction on the phone, he spent almost 40 min. yelling at me. I said that I thought it would be best for us to meet up to discuss things cuz you lose out on a lot of stuff while talking over the internet & phone. He wouldn't have any of that. He said that I am no longer welcome in his house as I am no longer his girlfriend & that if I drove to see him, that he would lock his house doors until I left; and that he didn't owe me a thing.

The advice that I would give you (that is if you are still dating him) is that as long as he is actively seek professional help (counseling, meds, etc.) and trying to lead a healthy positive life then I would remain with him. If not and he begins blaming you for his inner pain, then that would be the time to leave him. You can't help someone that won't first help themselves.