So Confused, Every Day!

Ok, so I guess the only way to tell this story is to start at the beginning. I left my husband, who was a decent enough guy. He just wanted to sit at home all of the time and never see friends or do new things. So, I decided I wanted more for myself and I wanted him to find someone that enjoyed what he wanted, and I took the kids and moved back closer to family.
A friend of mine introduced me to a guy who she said I just HAD to meet, and he was nice, friendly, and interested in me. So, we ended up seeing each other again and things progressed rather quickly to pretty constant contact through phone, text, facebook. We continued this way for a few months and we were both really happy. Then he made a comment about how he didn't want there to be an "us" that he just wanted it to be casual and he didn't want a girlfriend. I was really confused by this, number one, I didn't really consider myself his "girlfriend" but I had assumed that we were exclusive and we were together ALL of the time so I was hurt by the rejection. I told him, I don't need labels and just kind of pushed that aside. A few more months go by and he continues to make little comments like that and the more time that goes by the less I understand why he's saying that. I mean, what would be the difference if he called me his girlfriend. Fact is, we had been in a relationship, that was mutually understood to be exclusive, soooo... I've come to the conclusion now, that he was saying that because he didn't want to be responsible for my emotional happiness and because he wanted the option, should the opportunity arise to be with someone else. That's just my take on it anyway, who knows what was really going on. Anyway, so I just continue to ignore it (I shouldn't have. I should have told him that if he didn't want a girlfriend then I wasn't going to BE his girlfriend and just put a stop to it right there.) and he ends up moving in with me. After a few months of that he STILL didn't want a girlfriend and I told him that it was disrespectful and childish of him to put me in that position. If he didn't want a girlfriend then he should move back out and stop using me for all of the benefits of having a girlfriend while acting like I'm not worthy of the title. He caved and finally said that I was right and he was sorry and he stayed.
There have since been issues with distance, intimacy, and sex. He is, and always has been, a highly sexual man. He watches girls everywhere we go. He comments on every **** on tv, he watches **** all of the time. So, when he started rejecting my advances it REALLY hurt. It made me feel disgusting and horrible, which I AM NOT. And, I know that I'm attractive but that doesn't do any good when I can't get any reaction from him, but I see him eyeing other women. I know he loves me, and I know that he must have found me attractive or we wouldn't have made it this far but apparently there is something in the anonymity that he craves. I obviously, can't be another woman so I can't do anything to help him with that. He flirts with other women, even when I'm there, I know it's much worse when I'm not. He admits to this, too, and says that he just wants the ego boost of knowing that he could sleep with them. It's sad, really. Fact is, I know, that if it came down to it he would cheat on me. I don't think he'd love me less, and I know he'd feel guilty, but I believe he would do it. I'm a very sexual person, especially when I'm feeling rejected, I try to confirm that I'm loved by having sex. That probably doesn't make any sense, but it's true. So, I've had to really, really work to not try to seduce him. I was trying for a while and the rejection was just so painful and frequent that I just couldn't take it anymore. So, I hold back and don't get what I want, I still don't get the love and cuddles that I need outside of the bedroom. He says he loves me but there isn't the physical affection and he is just so miserable all of the time and so critical that it's hard to believe.
He recently mentioned that he had been sexually abused as a kid, that has helped me to understand where some of the sex and trust issues come from. It's something that he has banned from ever being spoken of again, though.
He is an alcoholic, and he'll take just about anything that he thinks will make him lose consciousness (no crazy heavy drugs). He is clearly miserable on the inside and I want to help him come out of it. It is hard living with him, and I don't want him to have a negative affect on the kids (he tries really hard with them but he's just not in a good place.)
I'm not sure what to do.
insanity31 insanity31
31-35, F
2 Responses Feb 16, 2012

I admire the maturity in which you are handling all of the emotions of your situation. You seem to be dealing with your guy's issues with open eyes. Your husband doesn't sound that bad after all though??

Thank you for the support. Yeah, the ex really wasn't so bad. Lol! I'm still glad that I moved on from that and am upset with myself for not doing better in the rebound department. I left my ok marriage because I wanted a great relationship. That's certainly not what I have but for some reason this is so hard to let go of.

Also, just want to add that I've since bought a house and he has now officially moved in. He seems to be much more comfortable with the being a couple thing now, and he talks about us long term. He still has no interest in getting married, which is fine with me because, despite loving him, I wouldn't marry him in the state he's in. I worry, though, that he is going to miss his chance at a family and a child of his own if he doesn't get his act together. Even if it means breaking up with me and starting over with someone else, I want him on a road that will bring him family and happiness. He can't last in the life he's living now.