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My Boy

I've been dating my boyfriend since I was 16. He's my first everything, including hand-hold. I'm 18 now, and he just turned 20. We go to the same college a few hours away from our hometown. We met in high school. At first I thought he was weird, but after a while he won me over. He's had a hard life; his father left before he was born, his stepfather abused him, and his mother was battling cancer for about 8 years before she died a year and a half ago. He, being a year older than me, went away to college a month after she passed. He's had a rough time; he feels like he doesn't have family who cares about him, even though his maternal grandparents would do anything for him, including having him live with them when he's home from college.

Even with all of this, he's a great guy. He treats me right and always cheers me up. The only real thing I have a persistent issue with is his partying. He joined a fraternity this year, and the supply of alcohol isn't good for him. He gets in fights with his old friends. Especially if he's drinking. He's been very stubborn lately, just basically an *** to everyone he comes into contact with. He gets drunk and gets outwardly depressed (I say "outwardly" because I know he's hurting anyway, but it really only shows when he's buzzed.) He continuously tells me how much he loves me, and says if I ever leave him he'll kill himself. Needless to say, I get so freaked out. But I don't know who to talk to about it. I'm afraid to bring it up to him when he's sober, because I don't want to upset him.

Occasionally, when he does open up to me about his feelings, he says he sometimes thinks about suicide so he can see his mom again. I feel like I'm the only thing keeping him from doing it. I don't think I can handle that responsibility forever. When we get in arguments or he does something dumb to **** me off, he immediately talks about what a "screw up" and "failure" he is, and how I deserve better and all that. I don't know how to help him. I do love him with all my heart, and even though I'm young I can picture myself marrying him, but what if things don't turn out the way I plan? What if I get sick of him, or want to go out and try new things (and people) and want to leave him? Is it possible to be in true love when you're barely grown up and don't really know yourself yet? I feel it's not fair to put all this stress on me. I will take any advice I can get! I would feel so guilty if something I did caused him to end his life, since he's basically telling me I'm the only thing stopping it...
durdra durdra 18-21 Feb 3, 2013

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