It's A Bit Of A Long Story But I Could Use Your Help

This year has by far been one of the hardest in my life, and while it came with its pains and struggles I have learned so much from it. Through the things I've lost, I can finally see the things I have in a brand new way. From all the days of being constantly sad and angry, happiness never felt better. For the first time in a long time it feels like I am healing, and now of all times I have a big decision to make.

Allow me to better explain. Almost three years ago I lived in California with my mom. I was a senior in high school. It was me, her and my little brother who is ten years younger than me. At the time she was an alcoholic and unemployed so life was stressful for all of us. On my 17th birthday she kicked me out of the house and the only place I had to go was in the Midwest with my father. I was surprised my dad let me stay with him and his new family; we didn't have much of a relationship even when my parents were together. (My birthday seems to be a magnet for disaster because he left us on my 14th.) But when I saw him at his new home it was like seeing him for the first time, I got to know who he really was, not the passive-aggressive -adulterating-workaholic I grew up with, but a man comfortable in his own skin who loved his family, and me. I never realized how much I needed and longed for a father until I started living with him, and I was finally able to forgive him for leaving me. I put my walls down, I could trust again.

I didn't mind the fact that my dad found someone new, it was refreshing to see him with someone that did not verbally abuse him and gave him the freedom to be himself. But as the years went on, I discovered that she was not very fond of me. She has a daughter the same age as me, an only child and very spoiled. Our rooms were connected by a single bathroom, which was meant to be shared but I was not allowed to use it for a reason my new step mother would not explain. In my step sisters first year of college she chose to drink and do drugs and put her self in constant danger ( was even date raped) but my step mom chose to constantly monitor my behavior like a criminal my first year in college and I didn't have much of a social life and was getting straight A's. When my step mom bought new pots and pans for the house and I used the old to cook dinner she accused me of trying to spite her. :/ At least every other day I would take a trip to the kitchen and hear her passively agressively whispering to my dad about all her complaints about me. After my mom kicked me out i kept to myself I wasnt ready to make friends again and didnt speak much. She took my quiet behavior as a personal insult. The only time my dad ever had a complaint about me was after she went off complaining to him about me. I wish deep down he would have stood up for me.

On New Years Eve this year, my dad and I went for a long drive. It lasted all day. My step mom was sitting on the couch watching new years specials when we left and when we came back she was in the same exact spot. She had this annoying habbit of moving things around in my room and she took it upon herself to put my unfolded laundry back in the hamper; not being able to tell what was dirty and clean I decided to do my laundry over again. I didnt plan to make a fuss this time because it was New Years Eve and I needed something clean to wear for the party. I figured by the time I was done with my chores my laundry would be done and I would be off. When I came back from taking out the trash I passed up the laundry room to find my step mom huffing and puffing and throwing my wet clothes on the floor. My dad was standing behind her like he wanted to tell her to stop but he didnt say a word. On a normal day I would have just ignored it, but that day I confronted her. She claimed she always did laundry on this certain day and she wasn't done with her laundry, I mentioned the fact that it was her fault I had to do laundry again in the first place, she claimed it was because it wasnt folded, and there were some clothes on the floor, I told her I could take of it myself and I had 13 christmas services to sing in, we went back and forth for a while. She said I was just too lazy for my own good. At that point I ignored her and talked to my dad, " Are you okay with her talking to me like that?" he still didnt speak. "this is bullshit" I said and I began to pick up the wet clothes from the floor. My step mom then grabbed one of my shirts and began to hit me over the head with it. At that point I was raging. I called her names, I called my dad names, I was going to fight her and him, I can't remember ever being this mad, I dont remember screaming this loud. "YOU ******* ****" I told her, "AND DAD YOU'RE TOO ******* ***** WHIPPED TO GIVE A DAMN!" those are the few things I do remember.

And then they kicked me out. My dad sent me to live at my school in one of the most dangerous cities in the United States. While he helped support me financially form from a far he rarely spoke to me or looked at me. I was not allowed to come over to see my little brother or my cat (which was later murdered by my stepmoms dog). I've been spending half a year living in this crime filled city I've lost friends to the violence here sometimes I can't go out at night. But the worst of it was to have had a relationship with your father and then just like that for something so stupid to loose it. I felt betrayed.

That was half a year ago, and my boyfriend has invited me to move in with him we had it all planned out since the beginning of this madness, and at one point it was my only option. However, this weekend my dad unexpectedly offered me to come back. the pro's: I will get to see my brother more often, I will be a lot more financially secure, my dad and I can re-patch things. con's: my step mom's manipulation and interpretation of things, the differential treatment between my step sister and I, living in the same house with the murderer of my kitten. Its been a troubling choice and I hope to be on my own soon I can just use some guidance and ideas before I make this choice.
myhealingtouch myhealingtouch
18-21, F
May 21, 2012