Where Do I Begin?

My mother has never liked me. My earliest memories of my mother were not filled with love or fun filled moments, instead they were of witnessing her being abused by my stepfather or her telling me or making me feel as if I was always the biggest mistake in her life. My grandmother raised me, and even to this day, the controversy of WHY my grandmother ended up with me is up to debate depending on who you ask or when you ask them. For my mother, she claims it was all my fault because of the type of child I was and because my biological father tormented her so - though she had me convinced for years my grandmother just TOOK me because she wasn't strong enough to stand up to her, and she left me and her mother in the house she claims my father attempted to burn down because she was married to a white man and he still wanted her - and though she ran to yet another abusive man, made a difference between my bi racial brothers and I, and lacked accountability and responsibility for everything she ever did...I was the reason for her failures. See, my mother is forever a VICTIM (let her scream it) and nothing that happens in her world is her fault. The past two years have been hell because I have finally stood up to her lies, manipulations and toxic/negative effects in my life (and my children). My youngest brother - who is a wanna be gang banger, drug/alcohol addict, and abuser bit my mother two years ago during an average, usual family altercation...because she's diabetic, the bit was infected and she was in the hospital for a week. Who was she mad at? Not the person who bit her but me...because I told her me and my children were not coming back to her house with this unstable and toxic individual, because I told my Aunt and Uncle (who was ill, later found out he had cancer) after my mother let him come back despite me and my other brothers pleas AND I was wrong because I didn't want my elderly aunt and sick uncle to come down for the holidays were WE ALL once again had to deal with walking in egg shells in her home because of her abusive son.
She told me that because I was the type of child I was, that was why I was molested (by various people I was dropped off with by HER mostly when she was to have me if my grandmother was busy,working or out of town) Yes, me being molested was my fault.
My grandmother loving me was my fault
Her husband screwing my 14 yr old friend (when I was 16) was my fault
When I went away to college (after doing the first year at home to care for my grandmother)...well, I was abandoning my grandmother (who wanted me to go away to school) and I was going to fail. I did...I was addicted to valiums and alcohol while trying to be 19 yr old college student while on the interstate every weekend to check on my grandmother while dealing with a mother who called monthly with suicide attempts or guilt trips.
She wanted me to abort my daughter when I got pregnant at 21. Didn't come to my meager wedding because she didn't approve.
Rarely if EVER helped me on a consistent basis with my grandmother (double amputee, congestive heart failure, diabetic, strokes) and made me feel as if it was all on me YET screamed to everybody who didn't know that it was all on HER. Always about HER.
Lied about my existence to her best friend of 20+years that...get this...I knew ALL about. Yes, I was 20 something when this woman, my mothers best friend calls my grandmothers house looking for her and I - not knowing she didn't know of me- said hello, introduced myself "finally nice to meet you"...The woman was confused and hurt...."Debbie? married to Ronald with two sons David and Raj? Debbie doesn't have a daughter"....It broke my heart...but see, that was MY fault because "that was just a part of my life I didn't feel I had to share with anyone" hmmm....then why did I have to know of her? I would have thought this white woman was a bill collector or political friend...but no, I was wrong and still wrong for saying "yes, I exist" And to this day....her lies, manipulations and delusions of grandor has ruined this family...but its all me.
She mistreats my son (even caught her pushing him away at our uncles funeral when he was trying to console her in Gods house knowing his grandmother doesn't like or love him, he's 13 and was 12 then, with more light and love in his heart than her. A child) because "he reminds me of you"...and I remind her of my black absent father who I'm disloyal for loving and forgiving him towards the end of his life.
I have to pray so hard because when I think of her trying to cause division and confusion between my daughter and I, my daughter and my son, my stepfather and my children and anybody else who she thinks loves or respects me, the way she has effected my son the way she did me as a child with her sick projections and negatively, stressed my daughter out while she's in college causing her to quit and come home...I almost want to hate her. I called last week to speak to my stepfather (Daddy) and brother to see if they got their birthday cards I had sent them because she makes my father feels like he can't have anything to do with me or his grandson (not my daughter) and I admit...I wanted to hurt her. I called her Debbie because she is and has never been a real mother and I will no longer blow smoke up her or anybodys *****...no real mother would ever cause so much confusion by lying, manipulating, and abusing. My grandmother never did. Nobody understands and its too sad to tell everybody, its sad for the people in my life to see the pain she has caused me...oh one last thing...she says and believes I killed her mother when my grandmother (who was my real mother) gave me POA at the age of 26 because she knew she was getting ready to cross over. She had prepared me and told me for months prior to her fatal heart attack (that last week or so in a nursing facility) that she was tired and was trying to live long enough to see my unborn son...she did that. Taking her off life support was the hardest thing in my life to do...she was my everything but she was tired and she had given me that job to do because nobody else could or would have made it. Here was a person, who couldn't come sit with her mother and beloved grandbaby for two days out the week while I finished my degree and worked to care for them both, having so much to say in the end. And when my uncle was dying it was all about Debbie again and her blaming me because nobody wants to deal with the substandard son she half assed raised. She wants and expects everyone to deal with the abuse and is appalled at those of us who deny the abuser an arena of excuses she always gives to him and herself. I have to pray hard everyday
1mstazz 1mstazz
41-45, F
Jan 20, 2013