Having Problems

I normally can keep the dissociative states in check IF I am relaxed and there is little stress and feel I am in a safe place.

I'm moving soon. leaving a quiet place in the country for a cramped apartment in a city. There really is no choice. I will have little privacy and not be near nature other than a river that goes through town. I can't drive because over sensory stimulation makes me hallucinate. I can't ride a bike because my knees are shot. I'm sociaphobic...well phobic of almost everything really. PTSD, severe chronic anxiety etc and so forth.

It's about 7 weeks before i move. I need to start packing and cleaning. It's getting kind of real. My mind is beginning to go. I was hoping it would'nt. I was hoping I'd become stronger with my last respite. I was paying bills and Undertone even made me talk on the phone LOL

The past few days have been a struggle with various dissociative states. I can even feel the identity disorder kicking in. I'm supposed to watch my grandson tomorrow and I have to keep a grip. I think I can for him. it may be the last time I have him for awhile so I have to stay sane.

I don't want this to happen again. I was doing so well. It's also...I have physical disorders and when i am dissociative I don't take care of them well. this is problematic with diabetes in particular because it can cause psychosis and I don't need that on top of this. I could be boned.

it will last until I get a grip in the new place. it will worsen until I do. i dont even know if I can get a grip in the new place. It's not exactly whacko friendly. ( if anyone gives me a lecture about using the word "whacko " I'll ******* lose it. Keep your politically correct BS to yourself or don't comment )

I really don't want to go through this again/ if I start acting weirder...friends you will just have to understand or not. I may not even remember half the things I say or do...if i do anything at all.
bitterdregs bitterdregs
46-50, F
9 Responses Aug 5, 2010

Stress triggers me, too. When I am alone I am pretty normal. With one trusted companion I am 90% there. <br />
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In stressful situations like crowds or loud noises I can feel the "pulling back" starting. Almost like one of those cinematic zoom-outs.

Mine is like the sound from lost when it pans between scenes.

I'm already there applebrain, but thanks for commenting. No there was no way I could have done it gradually. I had bouts of bawling for days. I managed it though and my survival instincts kicked in. it was traumatic and I'm doing my best to ignore my surroundings. My BF is amking plans to get me out of here maybe to where my kids are. It may take awhile but the thought of it keeps me going.

Do you think you could try a slow move? I mean go to the apartment and spend a night or too there, start letting yourself adjust, that way any alters wont be so startled and maybe your PTSD will calm down it its not just a complete switch over.

They are in the brain chemisty according to my shrink who i would really like to see a couple more times before I go. The hypnotherapy really seemed to work, but we did'nt get very far before I had to stop seeing him.<br />
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Yes. It's steve's best friend Karl.<br />
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It has to be soon or the irises won't take before winter. I'm cutting it way too close with september as it is. Plus, once the snow flies nobody can get me into a vehicle. Has to be soon.

Why be embarrassed? I'm never comfortable in new social situations either, and since the revocation of concealed carry permits here in The People's Republic of California, I avoid them.

The landlord changed his mind for the 4th time about selling and I'm throwing money out the window. Going to a very cheap apartment to save money to buy a decent piece of land and house outright. It may take 3 or 4 years. I have a place in ND but it needs work and I'm not really interested in living there full time. Also, there is not enough room for my iris biz there. The new apartment may be small but it has a big yard and the landlord said i can plant there.<br />
I'm kind of embarrassed you read this. I regret posting it LOL I'm doing better today..I just hope it lasts. I'm actually quite normal when i'm in familiar surroundings. It will just take time to get familiar.

Why are you moving?

yah, I'll be a'ight.

I don't want to diminish what you're experiencing, but I'm thinking please don't be too hard on yourself. Every move can be traumatic, unsettling, etc. Give yourself some time... let things happen naturally, it will all settle down and work itself out. <br />
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(((Hugs))) oxox