I Feel Like She's Not Me...

and it scares me...when I think back upon my past and myself in different time(college, other jobs, other states)..I feel like I am not that same person. It scares me. I have the memories so logically it is me. But I feel like who I am now is not those same people. Technically it is true. Everyone changes. But it causes fear in me, feeling so separate from my past selves. And sad that I used to be so productive, and now am not(hing). I remember my college days with fondness. The early nineties were great. I had a purpose..I had my classes. I had a sweet boyfriend who would drive me through Hollywood every weekend and we'd see a movie and go to dinner every Friday night. And Minnesota, I had three jobs I liked! And gained so easily! II left because I hated the weather and my dad asked me to come live with him in Hawaii...so why wouldn't I? I had found him through US search and visited him on December 1998. In may 1999, I moved there. It was a time of debauchery, then great devotion to God. I don't think I can ever get that passion and connection again to the divine. All these "girls" I think on and envy them now because they had what they had. I have nothing in my limbo and don't know what this era of life will be famous for.

I also have an obsession of sorts with getting back material things that I had when I was a kid and adult. I have old diaries in Hawaii that I need to get back. And I pawned my mom's engagement ring! Curse me for that! I'd give anything to be wearing it now. Not only beautiful, but a connection to her. But I need money for food at the time. So I live in the past. I look on Amazon for what I had. But it can't turn me into what I was. And I have to refresh my horrible memory with tangible things like books, etc. To remind myself of who I was.

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2 Responses Mar 14, 2010

No use in going backwards you can not reverse time, I think some have tried though. Discover who you are now and work on making you the best you, you can. I know it is difficult to deal with past things and they will always be there, because they are frozen unchangeable. The future you is the only one you can form, can not change past Kitty only make present Kitty's future better.

You can bring back your former self, you just need to try... Seek the advice of your friends on here, as your problems can probably be solved...