It Is Hard Sometimes
I have never been really skinny, but never really fat either. I am 5'8" and 160 lbs. Even when i work out a lot and diet a lot, i never really loose much weight and my body doesnt change that much. Now at 26, I think this is just the way my body is meant to be. Part of me is okay with that because I know I am not fat. But this other part of me does not think with my brain, it just says "look at how lumpy your skin is" and I feel like I want to rip it off. I know that a lot of my issues come from the fact that I have a history of sexual abuse when I was a teenager. It is hard sometimes to remember that what I am feeling and thinking is just in my head and that it is a reflection of the disgust I feel about myself due to the abuse. Everything I see around me is perfect women. I am not a very "high maintenance" chick. I don't wear makeup often and only put minimal effort into my hair. I do try to wear stylish clothes, but I don't like spending a lot of money on clothes or shoes. I hate to shop because I feel like there is nothing out there that makes me feel good in it. I feel like the harder I try, the more obvious it is that I am ugly and fat and should not even try. As an experiment, I tried putting more energy into my appearance and giving myself positive feedback, not allowing the negative thoughts to take control of me. I was doing pretty good at that, but I found that wearing more stylish clothes and fixing my hair did nothing to make me feel more beautiful, plus it would make me feel twice as ugly when I took it all off and went to bed or got undressed. This shows me that the problem is not that I feel ugly because I dont try enough and don;t put in the energy (which is what my husband suggested), but that actually I feel bad about myself because I have an image dissorder. I have come to the realization that I am going to feel this way no matter what...and that scares me. I don;t know how long I can keep the bad thoughts from taking over. Counsling helped some, but I would get to a level where my progress haulted and I feel like it it is because society tells you not to be too confident. Society tells you that you should feel bad about your body as a woman..isn't that the norm.