My Father: Idk What Else To Say

So my dad has been an alcoholic as long as i can remember. Along with other drug use he was the perfect model of what not to be. He started young with mostly beer and gradually graduated to hard liqueur. When i was young he was the cool dad, the life of the party if you will. I was afraid of him although he never layed a finger on me all he had to do was raise his voice and i was terrified and that's how he liked it. My first experience of drinking with him came at the age of 12. He lined up shots of gin for my cousin and I until we passed out. There were many after that but then my 16th birthday came and a party at my house was inevitable. Again he was the life of the party until he got angry and kicked everyone out. As i got older i realized how dysfunctional my life was. I was angry and resentful toward him but also held this respect for him. By the time i was 19 and going on my 2nd marriage my parents had divorced after 20 years together and my dad was down and out with no where to go. He lived with my husband and i for about 5 out of the 10 years we have been together and crossed the line numerous times. Some examples are my husband and my dad got into a physical altercation and soon after my dad said he rather me be with my first husband (who beat me) rather than someone that put hands on him? Now ponder that....who wishes that for there daughter? He has always been verbally abusive toward me with comments such as you are gonna be a fat pig just like your mother (that was his favorite) wouldn't you know after 4 kids i have gained a lot of weight so i have never heard the end of that prophesy! Then drum roll for the straw that broke the camels back.....The last time he was staying with us my husband and i were both working and he had been sober for a bit so he started watching my kids while we worked good trade a room for some babysitting? No not for us my husband came home to my 4 children alone in the house my oldest said papa locked the door and wont let us in. He had left my kids at the time ranging from 1-10 alone in the house while he got drunk in the garage and passed out. When confronted he laughed in my face told me how horrible of a mother i was and chuckled when i asked why he thought it was OK to leave 4 children alone unattended. I was beyond angry the next morning he was on a bus away from my house and i didn't speak to him for 8 months. Now going back to the respect for him that finally after 29 years of life i have lost completely but i have slowly started talking to him again bluntly letting him know never to ask to live with me again and being aware of his mental state before we visit with him. I stayed angry at him for a long time and was recently able to let the anger go and just love him, i don't have to like him to love him and i realize alcoholism is a horrible disease....wishing all the best for him im an adult with my own children to protect
justanotherface22 justanotherface22
26-30, F
Dec 12, 2012