Letting Go Of My Past
18 years ago, I decided that I wanted to be separate from my family, because the distance I needed and still need is emotional separation which also includes finding my independence. This was in a letter I wrote to both my parents. My therapist who I was seeing at the time helped me to write this letter. Looking back on when I wrote the letter at the time I felt angry - and quite confused with my parents. Unfortunately after writing this letter my mother didn't read the whole letter. I felt so disappointment, because it was very important for me to write this letter I had hoped by reading my letter my mother would understand some of my feelings
All of my life, I felt I was being controlled. I didn't like the way I was treated growing up. I felt extremely inadequate and believed there was something wrong with me. I felt everything was always my fault that I could never measure up to my parents expectations then and still can't I could never do anything good enough or right enough. I felt like I was always being criticized constantly I am left with feeling unlovable, incapable, unworthy confused angry and hurt.
When I left my parents home I was only 22 at the time I didn't realize I only left physically and never left emotionally. I wanted to have my own life, to become my own person and have my own independence. Instead I felt like a child and that I wasn't capable of learning how to be responsible for taking care of myself. When I first moved out of my parents home I went to live with my steady boyfriend. During the time we were living together I got pregnant and ended up having an abortion.. I felt I had no choice or power. I felt scared, sad even some joy, but I had no one to shared my feelings with. I felt I wasn't strong enough emotionally to stand up to my mother, because I felt it was my choice to decide whether to have the abortion or not. I ended up going along with what you said even though I wanted to be the one to decide.
There were a lot of sad memories that I have had in my childhood. And even now as an adult I find myself not being able to let go of my past. My mother was a homemaker and my father worked in sales adverstering business. For the first ten years I was the only child my parents treated me like I was the most beautiful baby in the world, but what they didn't realize that I was a baby with needs and feelings that were not fulfilled. I have no memory of ever being rocked or sang to before I fell asleep at night. My baby brother was born when I was ten I was glad to have a brother, but later I felt envious, because he was getting more time and attention than I was.
Over the last 20 years, I realize that I came from a dysfunctional family. where my boundaries were never respected and I never learned any life skills in how to grow up and become a responsible adult. I know now that I can no longer blame my parents for what they did or didn't do, because it is now my responsibility to take care of myself. I am married and have been for 30 years to a wonderful man. We have no children and maybe that is a goid thing, because I won't want to pass down what I learned from my parents. I have learned that both my parents were from dyfunctional families themselves so they passed on what they had learned which they thought was nornal way of being a healthy family But what they didn't realize that what they were taught was dyfunctional My mother grew up in with alcoholism and depression. My father grew up without a father and his mother and uncle raised him and his two brothers.